Chapter 6 #3
But then something happened. A look that the two shared was filled with a language that only gay men were articulate in.
It was one that was an invitation and Jovanis gladly RSVP.
It started out as one night of passion and bloomed into a full-on love affair.
Jovanis had fallen in love with Tuck, and he expressed the same sentiments.
But Tuck was in denial about his sexuality, leaving Jovanis all alone in their one-sided relationship.
“Do you know I’ve been lying to Irish for months?
I've been telling her that I got a nigga and how he wants me to live out loud with him. When in reality, I’m talking about myself.
I’m fucking depressed. I don't even stay at the house with her no more. I found me a place near the beach that I sleep at.”
“Why lie to her?”
“To protect you,” Jovanis gritted, becoming incensed.
Tuck looked around at all the families being reunited before biting his bottom lip.
“What the fuck you want from me, huh? I’m in here and for a long-ass time.
You whining to me when I gotta share a cell with a nigga I don't know. I gotta piss and shit in front of him. I don't get to go outside when I want. The food is horrible and on top of that, I gotta watch my fucking back. The nerve of you to come complain to me when I’m trying to survive.”
“I want you to acknowledge me. The fuck?”
“Okay, me and you fucked around.” He huffed, rolling his eyes.
“See.” Jovanis shook his head. “You see how you downplay our situation?”
“I don't,” Tuck denied.
“Yes, the fuck you do,” Jovanis whispered harshly. “How you gon’ say we fucked around when you confessed your love for me on a few occasions?”
Tuck scraped his teeth along his bottom lip. “I meant it.”
“Then, why can’t we be together?”
Tuck tipped his head back and laughed. Jovanis suspired, trying his best to keep his patience.
“You do realize that I’m in here for ten years, right?”
“Okay, you said that like it’s a barrier.”
“It is, though. I’m not on that type of time you on, Van. I’m not gay.”
It was Jovanis’ turn to laugh. He didn’t understand how Tuck was able to pigeonhole his lifestyle.
After all the moments and memories they shared, Tuck was in fact a bisexual man.
Jovanis used to be too and although closeted, he’d now accepted the fact that he was gay.
Tuck hadn’t reached that crossroad in his life yet.
“Tuck, let’s not do that.” Jovanis chuckled. “Me and you both know what it is.”
“I’m not playing,” Tuck countered with an austere expression. “I don't identify with that shit.”
“What shit? Being a gay man?”
“Nah, that’s you.”
Jovanis angled his head. “And what do you call two men fucking? That’s just what, sex?”
“Basically.” Tuck cracked his knuckles, avoiding eye contact.
“Yeah, a’ight. You can be in denial all you want but I know what it is. You do, too.”
Tuck peered at him in deep thought before he said, “You gotta understand, Van. My family would never go for it. Do you know how weak I would look if everybody knew that I was… on you?”
Their conversation ceased as they retreated to their thoughts.
“…Did you tell Noble? Is that how he already knew about me?”
Tuck’s gaze descended toward the stainless-steel table. “Yeah, but it wasn’t on no gossiping shit.”’
“What was it like then ‘cause I don't appreciate you telling that man my business.”
“Listen, I get it and my bad for that shit, but I accidentally sent him a text that was supposed to be for you. It had your name in it and… I was saying some wild shit in the message.” He grinned at the memory.
“When I realized I sent it to the wrong person, I tried to delete it, but that nigga had already read it.”
“So, I’m assuming he confronted you about it.”
Tuck shook his head. “He never said shit. Noble ain't the man that go around gossiping. He also ain't about to question me about something that... he already knew about me.”
Jovanis’ eyes widened. From his understanding, he assumed that only he was privy to Tuck’s extracurricular activities. He had no idea that Tuck had displayed a propensity for being gay before him.
Tuck chuckled. “That nigga Noble be knowing all kinds of shit about people. I had someone that I fucked with and Noble found out. I don't wanna go in detail about it, but he literally caught us…”
“So, I’m not your only nigga?” Jovanis asked, slightly wounded.
“Nah, it was somebody before you but that’s it. I ain't dealt with another man other than you two.”
“So, Noble didn’t say shit? He never addressed anything? Just moved on with life and didn’t acknowledge who you truly are?”
Tuck rolled his eyes a bit. “The men in my family… we don't do all that gossiping shit. We address what’s important. All that other shit is irrelevant.”
Despite Tuck trusting Noble, Jovanis couldn’t. At any given moment, he could’ve revealed his secret and out him to TLM.
“I just realized something. You're a fucking hypocrite,” Tuck said, snatching Jovanis’ attention from his thoughts.
“How?”
“You trying to preach to me about accepting something that I’m not when you got a whole wife at home. Nigga, you ain't no better than me. You don't live your life out loud, so how you gon’ come at me when you on the same shit?”
Tuck had a point, but the difference was that Jovanis wasn’t in denial about his sexuality anymore. In truth, he accepted it.
“But I—”
“Visiting time is over!” the CO yelled.
Jovanis immediately got sad, knowing their time had come to an end. He hated this barrier between him and Tuck. Seeing him once a week wasn’t enough. Jovanis needed his lover back.
“Hit me later.”
Tuck nodded. “Yeah, a’ight.”
“I'm for real, Tuck. Call me.”
The two parted ways and Jovanis was transitioned out of the prison. Getting inside his car, he sat for a while as his thoughts rummaged back to his past. The part where his real pain started.
2002
“Here comes the Tombstone,” Jovanis announced, playing with his wrestling action figures.
For Christmas, after months of begging, his mother, Margie, had finally gotten him a wrestling ring with the two figures. They were his favorite. Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Undertaker.
“Pin him down. It’s over!” he yelled, stretching their arms and legs. “One… two… three! Undertaker wins.”
Jovanis created a sound with his mouth that resembled a crowd cheering. He then raised the action figure’s arms in victory.
“I’m the winner, I’m the winner!”
Jovanis picked up the other figure and placed them in front of each other. Staring at them in deep thought, he pressed their faces together. He smiled at the visual of them kissing until Margie burst into the room.
“Van, you—what the fuck are you doing?” she boomed, startling him.
Quickly, Jovanis dropped the figures and jumped to his feet. His mother had a voice that could scare a demon. That’s how much bass she possessed.
“I-I was just playing.”
“By making them kiss?” She grabbed his arm. “Yo’ ass better not be gay, boy.”
Gay? Jovanis had no idea of what gay was. At ten years old, he had no inkling of a lot of things, especially gay.
“Two men aren’t supposed to kiss,” she chastised him. “That’s that nasty shit, do you hear me?”
Jovanis wanted to ask if it was wrong for two women to kiss but Margie hated being challenged.
“You know, I’ve been trying to avoid the obvious, but it’s time for you to go live with Uncle Mel and Uncle Fish.”
His eyes widened. “Mama, no, I wanna stay with you.”
“Hell no. You can’t stay with me. Not when you got your boy toys kissing each other. Do you like little boys?” she interrogated him.
Jovanis wanted to reveal how he often noticed how handsome other boys looked. Or how he got excited when one showed him attention. He never knew what it meant. Jovanis assumed that he just liked playing with the other boys.
“Do you?” she yelled at him.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, what?” she asked, confused.
“I like other boys. I like when we play and ride our bikes together,” he confessed.
“What about girls? Do you like how girls look?”
He shook his head. “No, girls are nasty.”
She smacked her lips. “Yeah, you might be fruity as hell. Pack your shit. We’re going to pay your uncles a visit.”