Chapter 2 #2
Getting up, she entered the bathroom to shower and brush her teeth.
Afterward, with a towel wrapped around her body, she swiped her hand in circular motions to clear up the steam that clung to the mirror.
Staring at her reflection, she wondered when love would visit her.
Not the regular kind that people experienced but the soul stirring kind.
The love that would live deep in her bones and take several blood transfusions to flush out her system.
“Ugh,” she groaned.
Jovanis gave good love, but his adoration was strictly platonic.
There were boundaries that came with his love.
It had always been that way, and while Irish appreciated his efforts, he was incapable of loving her the way she truly yearned to be love.
The thought of her lonely love life always put a damper in her mood, so Irish continued getting dressed so she could face another obstacle of hers.
The drive to Havenwood Housing Projects was about forty minutes. When Irish pulled into the parking spot, she looked around at all the litter scattered across the lawn.
“They don’t do shit around here,” she grumbled, getting out the car.
Charcoal smoke floated in the air, embellishing the hood with a smokey scent. Irish spotted children riding their bikes in the parking lot while a woman who wore a bonnet, talked loudly on the phone.
Dread consumed Irish the second she took the first step.
Suddenly, she felt heavy, hiking the small set of stairs.
Gulping back the regret, she reached and pressed on the doorbell.
Seconds passed by before the creaking from the door graced her ears.
Irish released a deep breath as the screen door opened.
“Oh, it’s just you,” she mumbled.
“Hello to you too, Mama.”
Irish stepped inside as the scent of Pine-Sol smacked her senses.
Looking around, she noticed that the house was still filled with clutter.
Piles of clothes, old newspapers, and boxes were stacked in the living area, limiting room for walking.
Being here was a reminder of the past Irish tried so hard to forget.
It was the history that dressed up like a ghost and haunted her every chance it could.
“So, uh… how you been?” she asked, looking around at the mess.
Her mother, Daisy, plopped down in her recliner.
Grabbing her cigarette from the ashtray, she inhaled deeply and blew out the noxious fumes.
Irish hated these visits. If she could skip without guilt consuming her, she would without a second thought.
The surface talk, uncomfortable disposition, and constant guilt shaming drained her like a dish rag.
“I’ve been the same, Irish. Maybe, if you came over more than once a month, you would know that.”
Resisting the desire to roll her eyes, Irish nodded. “Did you go to the doctor this month?”
“Yes, and they wouldn’t refill my prescription,” she complained, shaking her head. “This damn back pain has been terrible, and I shouldn’t have to suffer like this.”
“Why wouldn’t they refill your prescription?”
Daisy huffed, filling the room with more smoke. Irish couldn’t wait to flee the house. She was terrified of her hair and clothes smelling like cigarette smoke.
“Because they said it wasn’t time. They don’t understand that I have to double up sometimes because the pain is so damn bad.” Suddenly, the disdain that was fixed on her features vanished within an instant. “Hey, do you think you can have Jovanis get me some pills until I can fill my prescription?”
A chuckle resounded from her mouth. Irish had been waiting on the minute she would ask her for something. It always happened during these visits. She would complain, ask for a favor, then proceed to dump on her.
“I’ll check,” she lied.
“Oh, please, I know what that means.” Daisy scoffed while flicking her hand. “You’re sending me off like you always do. I don’t know why you treat me so bad, Irish. I am your mother, ya know.”
Here we go…
One visit per month was far too much, at this point.
Irish had to hear the same damn script every time she was in Daisy’s presence.
Long ago, it used to penetrate her. The shaming and the guilt would infect Irish so badly that she would leave the house in tears.
After years of the emotional toll her mother always took her on, she had come to the decision to cut her mother off emotionally.
She refused to allow Daisy to get to her heart.
In fact, her heart had been out of commission for years.
Sealed shut. No access because Daisy didn’t deserve it.
“I’m aware that you’re my mother. That’s why I come to check on you every month.” Irish smiled.
Daisy pinched her inner tear ducts, conjuring up tears that wouldn’t move Irish.
“You know, ever since I lost my Emanuel, you have been so mean to me. All you care about is yourself and Jovanis. Why is it so hard for you to be here for me, Irish? What did I do to you that was so bad that you gotta treat me like crap?”
Irish looked toward the door, counting down the minutes before she made her exit.
“I’m not sure why you think I treat you like crap, but I can assure you that I care about you.”
Just not that much…
Daisy glared at her. “Then, how come you never supported me when Emanuel died? Why did I have to mourn all alone?”
Because he was a piece of shit…
“Well, for one, somebody had to take care of Ivory. Did you forget that your mourning lasted for years? You completely stopped taking care of her. I had to step up and make sure she was good.”
Daisy shook her head, forcing out a lone tear. “Y’all both treat me like crap. Is that why she doesn’t come home to me? When she has a break, she goes straight to your house like you’re her mother. I can’t believe you two treat me the way you do.”
Irish had watched this episode titled Self-Pity many times and was over it. She rummaged through her tote, pulled out an envelope and placed it on the table by the door.
“This is money for your bills. I will see you next month, Mama. Call me if there’s an emergency, okay? Bye.”
Irish opened the door and walked out the house.
Shielding her eyes with her hand from the sun, she got inside her car and released a weighty breath.
This sigh was filled with all the anxiety she had collected while in Daisy’s presence.
Gripping the steering wheel with her hands, she sat in silence, hoping her sanity would come back.
After a while, she reached into her bag and grabbed her phone.
Dialing Jovanis, she hoped he would be available to talk.
“What’s up, Irish?”
“Hey, where are you?”
“On the east side. Why?”
“Nothing.” She sighed. “I just made my monthly visit to Daisy.”
“Oh, that’s why you sound like that.” He chuckled. “What was she talking about today?”
Kissing her teeth, Irish scoffed. “What you think? The same damn script every single time. I’ve memorized it so much that I can recite her words.”
“I don’t know why you even bother with her ass. She’s too damn miserable. Always wanna throw a damn pity-party and blame you for her poor choices. I keep telling you to distance yourself from her ass.”
Jovanis had no understanding of how much she wanted to write Daisy out of her life.
It was easy for him because he had never developed a bond with his mother.
He’d never experienced the emotional attachment that mothers provided to their children.
She, on the other hand, had and that’s why she couldn’t totally cut Daisy off.
Irish remembered how good her mother was until Emanuel showed up.
The sweetness of her mother was something that she continued holding on to.
What she would give just to receive a semblance of that Daisy again.
Memories of what used to be kept her showing up on her mom’s doorstep every month.
“Yeah, well, I don't wanna cut her off right now. But look, what are you doing tonight? Let’s go to Escape and get dinner and listen to live music.”
“Damn, Irish, I can’t. I got plans tonight.”
“With who? Your boo thang,” she teased, making him chuckle.
“Bruh, stop saying that childish shit.”
“What?” She tittered. “That’s what he is though. Your boo thang, right?”
“No, he’s not. He’s more than that.”
As happy as Irish was for Jovanis, she couldn’t help but feel envious.
Not because she wanted him, but she wished she had a person to be with.
Every night, he got the chance to lay up with his lover while she fell face first into an empty bed.
A bed with no action. No good morning kisses.
No hugs that covered her with warmth and nervous jitters.
Just an emptiness that she carried around like luggage.
“You know, I’m starting to think this guy is taking my place, Van.”
He scoffed, inciting a giggle from her. “Never. You know no one comes before you, Irish.”
“Yeah, well, I can’t tell. We haven’t hung out in weeks.”
“We just went to the club,” he pointed out.
“That doesn’t count since you only went to show your face. You dropped me off immediately afterward.”
The absence of conversation made Irish wonder if she’d truly made Jovanis feel bad.
“You know what? You right. Me and you are gonna go kick it this week.”
“Thank you,” she jested. “I thought I wasn’t your best friend anymore.”
“Irish, you’ll never not be my best friend. Me and you are locked in for life. I love you more than any person. Never question your position in my life. If it’s you versus anybody, you’ll always come out on top.”
Simultaneously, water congregated in her eyes while her mouth lifted into a smile.
Jovanis had always been open with her. He had no problem expressing how much she meant to him.
Their love should’ve been bottled up and sold at the nearest grocery store.
It felt so good to possess but it didn’t fulfill her completely.
“I appreciate you so much, Van, even though you’ve been neglecting me.”
“Here we go. A nigga just poured his heart out, and you still focused on the wrong shit,” he joked.
“Look, you know it’s my job to give you a hard time.”
“Yeah, you my biggest fucking headache. But listen, I told you, Irish, you need to go find somebody. You deserve to be happy, baby. Just make sure you protect what we’ve worked so hard to build.”
“I will,” she promised.
“I got some shit to handle. I’ll holla at you later.”
“Bye.”
Irish ended the call and started the engine. Since Jovanis had blown her off for the night, she figured she would go out alone and enjoy her own company.