Chapter 15
Fifteen
“Good looking out on meeting me, Irish.”
She hadn’t seen Jovanis in a couple days. They’d texted, but for the most part, he had been on the go. After shipping her orders, he sent her a text asking her to meet him at the bar. She agreed and now here she was, watching him consume his second shot of Don Julio.
“What’s wrong?”
He sighed, swiveling his chair toward her. His features showcased stressed, which was something he could never hide from her.
“I’m tired, Irish.”
Instantly, her heart leaked at the sound of his tone. Defeat was saturated in his voice, provoking his sadness to infect her.
“What happened? You know you can tell me.” She grabbed his hand.
“It’s a lot, man.” He shook his head. “… I might end my situation with my guy.”
Her eyes widened, surprised that their time had come to such a sudden end.
“Why?”
“Because he wants me to come out and live life all proud and shit. I’m not on that, and I don't think I would ever be.”
This had unfortunately been a reoccurring theme in Jovanis’ life.
Battling with his sexuality had been a difficult situation.
Growing up with men who prided themselves on their manhood forced Jovanis to play the part even though he was attracted to the same sex.
Acting like he was drawn to women had been tortuous.
Engulfing himself in the street life just to prove a point to people who would never accept his authentic self had become exhausting.
Jovanis was trapped in this faux portrayal of what people saw him as, not as the real him.
“What’s stopping you? Is it your family? Is it TLM? What is it?”
“You know what it is!” he snapped.
Irish’s phone buzzed but she didn’t look at the screen since she was too busy with Jovanis.
“Yeah, but Van, we’re grown now. No one takes care of you. You're not under the care of your uncles anymore. You’ve proven yourself in the sense of having heart. Why won’t you just live the way you want?”
He cut his reddened eyes at her. “You know that shit ain't possible. Niggas would look at me like a bitch if they knew I was …” He swallowed hard. “I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could look at women the way I look at men. I feel broken. Like I’m wired differently. I hate this shit.”
“But it’s who you are,” Irish reminded him. “You’ve tried to pray this away. You’ve tried to be with women, hoping the attraction would spark. You’ve tried everything, Jovanis, which tells me that you need to accept who you are.”
Jovanis made a tent with his hand and rested his forehead against them. On many occasions, he had expressed his disdain for his sexuality. He hated the fact that he was gay. Irish attempted to get him to accept himself, but he always refused.
“You know how I was brought up. They damn near beat the gay out of me. That’s why I went on a run with females back in the day.
I tried to fuck the gay out of me… None of that shit worked.
If anything, it only intensified my feelings for men.
I started out trying to prove myself to my uncles and sadly, I’m still trying to prove myself to me…
my dude got mad at me ‘cause he’s ready to step out, ya know, live life proudly but me… Something is stopping me.”
Irish’s phone buzzed again. She took it out of her pocket and noticed Noble calling. Silencing the call, she continued listening to Jovanis.
“That something is you.”
When he peered at her, she spotted his anguish. It was in the form of light tears but knowing Jovanis, he would never allow them to fall.
“Why can’t I just get over this shit?” he said more so to himself. “All I want is to feel normal.”
“Yeah, but what’s normal?”
“Being sexually attracted to women.”
Her gaze faltered. “But you’ve tried to ignite that attraction. It hasn’t worked.”
Jovanis put his head down on the table. Irish reached over and rubbed the back of his neck. She wished she had a remedy for his problem. She wished God could come down and have a direct conversation with Jovanis. After all, He was the creator so she was certain He would have a plan for him.
Jovanis lifted his head. “My bad for dumping on you, Irish. I know you get tired of this shit.”
“Hey, no I don't. I’m your person so you can dump all that you need to on me.”
He smiled at her half-heartedly. “I don't deserve you.”
“You actually don't,” she joked, tossing her hair over her shoulder.
“I hope that nigga knows how special you are.”
“I think he does.”
Jovanis straightened his posture. “…What if it’s always been you?”
Her head angled. “What do you mean?”
“What if I was meant to be with you? What if fate put us in each other’s path for a reason? On some real shit, I feel like you were created just for me. What if we keep missing the signs that we were meant to walk together?”
“I mean, we’re together, as friends though.”
Jovanis’ stare lingered on Irish, making her a bit uncomfortable. They had explored this topic before, but it was early on in their friendship. She thought they had moved past it since it was determined that Jovanis liked men.
“Yeah, I know. I just be thinking about shit.” He looked forward. “I just need a break from life.”
“Hey, I don't like when you talk like this.” She interlocked her fingers with his. “Let’s have some drinks then go bar hop like we used to when we first turned twenty-one.”
He smirked. “You mean when I got you that fake ID since your ass is a year younger than me?”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, don't remind me that you're the oldest.”
“Which means I reign supreme.”
Pulling her hand away from his, she playfully slapped his arm.
“I’m just fucking with you.” He chuckled. “We can do whatever you want, Irish.”
“No, this is for you. To cheer you up and make you forget about your problems. I’ll be your designated driver for the night, and you’ll have my undivided attention. Deal?”
He nodded. “Deal.”
The two ordered a round of shots before they left and went to the bar down the street.
They ordered more shots and danced like it was 2014 all over again.
Irish missed those times when she and Jovanis had just entered adulthood.
They had no one ruling over them or telling them how to live.
Although their trauma awaited them, they took a break and partied the night away.
“I love to see you smile,” she gushed, giving him a sideways hug.
“I’m only smiling ‘cause I’m slapped.” He laughed.
“Yeah, but you needed this night. Away from TLM, your lover, and other responsibilities.”
“Nah, I only need you, Irish. Fuck everything else.”
She kissed his cheek and pulled him back to the dance floor. One would have thought they were a happy couple enjoying a blissful night. Not a set of best friends who were only married for the optics. One was in love with a one-of-a-kind man, and the other battled his feelings for another guy.
Hours had flown by, and Irish realized it was after three a.m.
“Damn, I didn’t know we been out this long,” she said to herself. “When she looked at her phone, she noticed she had several missed calls from Noble.
“I’ll be right back, Van. I gotta make a call.”
He bobbed his head as she maneuvered her way outside. Standing near the building, she dialed Noble.
“Where you been?” he answered.
“Oh, I was out with Jovanis.”
“What? I’ve been hittin’ you up and you been with that nigga?” he questioned, appalled.
“Well, yeah, he wasn’t having a great day, so I was only trying to cheer him up. I meant to call you ba—”
“Don't ever in your life ignore me for that nigga. I come first. You know I don't even do this phone shit, and you got the nerve to ignore my calls ‘cause you with him.”
“Noble, calm down. It’s not that serious.”
“You right, it ain't. Go hop on that nigga’s dick then.”
“What the fuck?” she whispered once she heard the beeping sound. Realizing he had hung up on her, she dialed him back just to be sent to the voicemail. “Wow.” She chuckled in disbelief before heading back inside the bar.
“You ready to go?” Suddenly, she wanted to end her night.
“What’s wrong?” Jovanis quizzed, noticing a shift in her mood.
She shook her head, picking up her purse from the chair. “Nothing. I just think we should go.”
Jovanis grabbed her arm. “Aye, tell me what’s wrong.”
She inhaled deeply and revealed, “My guy is mad at me because I missed his calls.”
Jovanis smirked. “You always like those dominant niggas.”
Smirking, she fired back, “So do you.”
“You right, I can’t help it.”
“Neither can I. Now, he has an attitude and won’t answer my calls.”
Irish was offended that Noble had hung up on her. She didn’t think her actions warranted that kind of disrespect. What made her angrier was that she couldn’t express that to Noble.
“Man, fuck that nigga.” Jovanis rose from his chair. “You ain't his mothafuckin’ wife. You ain't gotta answer every call of his. The fuck he think this is?”
Irish didn’t respond. She barely wanted to tell Jovanis about the situation between her and Noble. Wanting to keep her life between the two separate, she decided Jovanis wouldn’t get any more details.
“Come on with your drunk ass,” she jested, subtly changing the subject. “And you're sleeping in the guest room next to Ivory because you're not about to keep me up with your snoring.”
He snaked his arm around her shoulder “You know you love when I snore.”
“Actually, I don't. Which is why you won’t be in the room with me.”
“Yeah, a’ight. I won’t even trip ‘cause you helped a nigga forget all about my woes. I love you, Irish Jovette Page.”
She knew he was drunk since he was using her full name. “I love you, too. Now come on before you start throwing up. You know you can’t hold your liquor.”