Chapter 7
‘We’ve got those welcome packs made up for Alex’s pods if you want to take them today.
’ Magnus came from the back room of the store carrying a mug of freshly made coffee.
There was no mistaking it; the aroma was so good, it had to be one of Magnus and Geoff’s artisan brands that they only stocked for themselves because everyone else thought it was far too expensive to buy.
‘I’ll let Alex know, if that’s all right.’ Zoe headed to the counter while Billie, with Louisa in her papoose, went to the fridges. ‘He’ll come down in the car and settle up with you from the business account. Will tomorrow be OK, or are you desperate to get them out of the way?’
‘Tomorrow will be fine, my love.’ Magnus put down his coffee and beamed at Billie as she came to the counter with her groceries. ‘Aww, Louisa is growing up so fast! Look, her eyes are everywhere already, taking it all in. She’s going to be a curious one!’
‘She’s moving a bit too,’ Zoe said. ‘She’s trying to roll off her changing mat all the time now. Can’t quite manage it yet, but I don’t think she’ll take long. She’ll be an early walker, I’m sure of it.’
‘You’ll need to have eyes behind you,’ Magnus said with a laugh.
‘You mean in the back of your head…’ Geoff’s voice came from the rear of the shop, and a second later, he followed Magnus through with a coffee of his own. ‘Eyes in the back of your head is how the saying goes.’
Magnus waved the correction impatiently away. ‘Yes, that’s what I meant. I’d like to see how many Icelandic sayings you know.’
‘I don’t live in Iceland, so I don’t need to know any,’ Geoff said archly, and Zoe tried not to laugh; she always found their bickering funny.
‘Disrespectful of my culture, that’s what you are,’ Magnus fired back.
Geoff didn’t seem at all bothered as he sipped at his coffee. He smiled at Billie. ‘She is a poppet, isn’t she? You’ll be taking her to the parent and baby group soon? She’s about ready to mix with the other kiddies now, isn’t she?’
Billie took an instinctive step back. ‘I don’t want her to catch anything while she’s still so little.’
‘Some germs build strength,’ Magnus said. ‘At home, we put our babies out in the cold to toughen them up.’
Billie’s reaction was one of mild alarm, but it was also tinged with scepticism.
‘It’s true,’ Magnus added, reading it to perfection. ‘They’re wrapped up, of course, and in their prams, but the cold air is good for their lungs.’
‘I’ve actually heard that before,’ Zoe said to Billie.
‘I’m not leaving Louisa outside in the cold,’ Billie said. ‘I don’t care if you told me or not.’
Zoe nodded her agreement. ‘I’m sure that sort of tradition is fine, but if it’s all the same to you, I won’t be recommending it to any of the mums in my care.’
‘I don’t blame you,’ Geoff said. He turned back to Billie. ‘You’re looking well too. Is she a good girl for you?’
‘She’s fine,’ Billie said. ‘She only cries when she’s hungry.’
‘Not like poor Ottilie with her little one then,’ Geoff said. ‘She was in here the other day, wasn’t she, Magnus? Looked about done in. She says Anthony never stops fussing.’
‘I think he has a touch of colic,’ Zoe said. ‘Hopefully it’ll settle in a few weeks.’
‘All these babies.’ Geoff sipped at his coffee and looked wistfully at Louisa. ‘Did we ever tell you we thought about adopting for a while. In the end, we decided against it.’
Zoe imagined a baby wouldn’t exactly fit in with the mini luxuries and impromptu parties Geoff and Magnus were so fond of, and would most certainly mess up their immaculate house.
They were a lovely couple, but she couldn’t imagine them with a child – not because they couldn’t love one; they clearly had a lot of love to give – but because neither of them would be capable of living with the chaos.
‘Do you think it might be you next?’
Zoe blinked at Magnus. ‘Me?’
His smile slipped. ‘I only thought… because of your age and…’
Geoff rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t listen to him, Zoe.
What he means to say is, we know you’re fond of babies, and now that you and Alex are settling together up at Hilltop, people will naturally wonder whether it might be your turn soon.
But it’s none of our business, and you’re quite right to keep mum… if you’ll excuse the pun.’
‘It’s all right,’ Zoe said, though the question had rattled her. ‘I don’t think it’s the right time at the moment. There’s a lot to be done with the business, and I’ve got my job and other mums to look after, and with Louisa still so little…’
‘Imagine Dad with two babies in the house!’ Billie said.
‘He’d run himself ragged,’ Zoe agreed.
‘Anyway…’ Magnus cleared his throat and turned his attention to ringing up the groceries on the counter.
A few minutes later, Zoe and Billie were on the pavement outside the shop, Billie adjusting the papoose to make Louisa more comfortable.
‘She’ll be asleep in a minute,’ she said. ‘I can tell by the way she’s sucking on her dummy.’
‘I love how quickly you’ve tuned in to all her little signals.’ Zoe smiled as, sure enough, Louisa’s eyes started to grow heavy. ‘You’re a natural.’
Billie gave a self-conscious smile. ‘You think so? I don’t feel like it. Most of the time, I’m scared to death I’m doing everything wrong. When do you stop feeling like that?’
‘I can’t really say as I’ve never been in that position myself.
Perhaps most of my mums feel the same, but they don’t say so.
I’m sure it’s more common than you realise to be worried whether you’re doing the best for your baby…
And to be fair, even the received wisdom changes with each generation, so who knows really whether we’re doing anything right?
It wasn’t so long ago you could wean them at two or three months old…
I’d be strung up for suggesting that now! ’
‘Do you think it’s right? I mean, when you’re told all the things you used to do you can’t do anymore? Do you sometimes wonder if it’s silly and it was right the way you did it before? I bet you do.’
‘It doesn’t matter what I think. Smarter people than me are always looking at these things and finding out more than they knew before, and who am I to tell them they’re wrong?’
‘You can’t really believe that?’ Billie said as they began to walk. ‘You must have an opinion one way or another.’
‘I suppose so, but I have to trust in the new research, don’t I? It’s my job to keep everyone in my care safe, and if the research says they’ll be safer doing things a new way, then I have to listen to it. Besides, there are rules about these things.’
‘When you say stuff like that,’ Billie began with a wry smile, ‘you don’t sound like yourself.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘At home you’re cheeky – you enjoy a laugh. But when you’re a midwife, you’re all serious, and it’s just not who I think you really are.’
‘People can be more than one thing, can’t they? I can be daft at home but serious at work – it’s two different sides to the same person, that’s all. We’ve all got that going on, haven’t we?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘To me, you seem a lot different around your dad at home than you are when you’re out with people you don’t know so well.’
‘That’s different.’
‘How?’
‘Well… I don’t know them, so I don’t know how to act around them.’
‘You could be yourself. Everyone would love that regardless.’
‘Sometimes…’ Billie wore that expression again, one that Zoe knew well.
It was full of doubt and questions, and it was one she wore more than any other.
Zoe had often wondered whether she’d always been like that, or whether the tragedies of losing her mother and then her boyfriend in quick succession had made her that way.
‘Sometimes I’m not sure I know if I’m being myself or not, even when I’m at home. ’
‘I suppose we all feel that way from time to time. Blimey, it’s a bit early in the day for this sort of chat, isn’t it? I need a few drinks for a conversation like this.’
Billie gave a small smile. ‘I know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it weird.’
‘You didn’t. I like that we can talk this way… I like that you feel you can talk to me about this sort of thing. I know I’m not… well, I’m not anything really, but I’d like to think you feel you can come to me with anything.’
‘I do. Honestly, I don’t hide anything from you. Not now, I mean. I did, but… well, you know about that. I’m glad you called me out, though, in the end. If you hadn’t, I don’t know where I’d be right now. I know it wouldn’t have been good for Louisa.’
‘That’s when having a serious work side does come in useful at home.’ Zoe smiled. ‘I’m glad you’re starting to feel better. Postnatal depression is a horrible thing to go through; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.’
‘It probably didn’t help that I was already depressed before I had Louisa.’
‘That has nothing to do with it. Anyone can get it – there was nothing you could have done differently.’
‘That’s good because sometimes I worry I caused it. You know, because I was so down on the idea of being pregnant.’
‘Nope, even the most excited new mum can get it. I’ve seen all sorts in my time.’
‘I bet you don’t when it’s your turn.’
Zoe threw her a sideways glance. ‘What makes you say that?’
Billie shrugged. ‘Just a feeling.’ She paused to check on Louisa, who was now sleeping with her head against Billie’s chest. ‘You know the other day when you passed out?’
‘It wasn’t exactly passing out, but—’
‘But you did, though. I saw it – you fainted.’
‘I had a dizzy spell.’
‘See…’ Billie pursed her lips now. ‘You’re always telling me I shouldn’t apologise for being ill and I don’t have to see myself as weak and all that, but when it’s you, it’s different.
You’re always trying to hide it and making out like you’re fine.
Why can’t you admit that you fainted? It’s not like you’re the first person to ever do it, and it’s not like Dad or me are going to freak out about it. ’
‘Your dad did a bit.’