Chapter 10 #2
‘That you do,’ Lavender said, ‘that you do…’ And as she left the room, Zoe heard her laughing down the corridor.
If Lavender had hoped to pique Zoe’s interest for some unfathomable reason, Zoe wasn’t in the mood for the cryptic way she was going about it.
If she was in a better mood, she might be willing to join in the game, or at the very least come straight out and ask what was going on, but she wasn’t in a good mood, and she had far too many other things to think about.
In time, she had no doubt that Lavender would crack and come to tell her anyway.
As she tried to turn her attention back to her notes, her phone pinged the arrival of a message.
They’re here! They’re all checked in – I think I handled it like someone who wasn’t checking in their first-ever guests! They seem nice. This is it – we’re on our way! X
At least that was one thing going smoothly today, and when she thought about it now, the morning where her sole concern had been Alex running himself ragged in anticipation of their arrival seemed like a long time ago.
She wondered whether Billie had been down to the village to collect the gift she’d wanted to get for him. She sent a reply.
Glad to hear it. I bet you were the consummate professional! X
And then she started to type a message to Billie to ask if she’d changed her mind about going to the shop and did she want Zoe to pick something up after all when she heard more laughter in the hallway beyond her door.
It was Lavender and Shabana. Zoe paused for a moment to see if she could pick up any clue about what was going on, but as it faded, she went back to her text and put it out of her mind.
Then there was a gentle tap at her door.
‘You can come in…’
Shabana stepped inside, and the smile she wore earlier was replaced by something more anxious. ‘Sorry if we were making too much noise.’
‘That’s OK. I don’t have any patients due for half an hour; I was answering some stuff.’
‘Lavender said you were free right now. I… um… I wanted to apologise.’
‘Why would you do that?’
‘I realised just now… I mean, I remembered something. Anyway…’ Shabana drew in a breath. ‘I have some news. It’s why I was so excited, but I should have remembered.’ Chancing a tentative smile, she sent an unconscious hand to her belly. ‘I’m pregnant.’
If there had ever been a more ironic bolt from the blue, Zoe would have liked to have seen it.
She doubted such a thing could exist, but she sat, looking at Shabana’s hopeful face and quickly realised that whatever feelings she harboured about the news, she was going to have to hide them.
It wasn’t as if she was angry at Shabana, and she certainly wouldn’t wish her anything but the happiness she clearly felt, because the young nurse’s journey had been as difficult as Zoe’s own.
She knew Shabana and her husband had been going through IVF and they’d been ready to give up if it hadn’t worked.
How could Zoe begrudge anyone such an amazing result when they’d hoped so hard for it?
And yet, it couldn’t have come at a worse time for Zoe – at least, a worse time for her to have to display the appropriate reaction, when all she wanted to do was curse her own luck and wonder what she’d done to deserve it.
‘That’s amazing!’ Zoe pushed a smile across her face, aching with the effort of producing it. ‘Congratulations. Do you know how far along you are?’
‘Only a few weeks. I just had the ultrasound confirmation.’
‘What will you do about a midwife? You won’t be with us when the baby arrives, will you?’
‘If Ottilie keeps to her planned return date, then no, I won’t. I’ll probably get referred to the midwife at my own health centre, but…’
She looked so hopeful, it was obvious what she wanted Zoe to say. With the soul of a robot, Zoe obliged. ‘Of course, you can ask me anything any time. I’ll probably be more accessible than your own midwife, seeing as you’re going to be here for the next few months at least.’
‘Thank you!’ Shabana’s gratitude was so heartfelt and genuine, Zoe hated herself for wishing she hadn’t been forced to make the offer.
And she hated feeling this way because why should Shabana – or anyone else for that matter – have to be childless just because that looked to be Zoe’s fate?
Zoe, who loved children so much, who was surrounded by expectant mothers and babies every day, who had dedicated her working life to caring for them…
It was unfair, but since when was fair a given?
If she couldn’t find a way to deal with this, then she’d lose a lot more than her chance to be a mother – she’d lose the career she loved and all the friendships that had come from doing it.
She’d lose the very essence of who she was, and if she really couldn’t get a hold of this bitterness and chase it out, she’d soon drive away anyone she cared about.
‘I’m really pleased for you,’ Zoe said. ‘I know how desperate you’ve been.’
‘There’s a long way to go,’ Shabana replied, her smile fading as the reality of her pregnancy seemed to hit her all at once, in an instant so short it was like an explosion. ‘A lot to go—’
‘Yes,’ Zoe cut her off. ‘But we won’t dwell on that, will we?
There’s a long way to go, but you’ll do all the sensible things, and you’re surrounded by people who want to look after you.
Don’t fill your mind with all the ways it can go wrong; enjoy the prospect of meeting your baby.
It seems like a long way off now, but it will fly by. ’
‘That’s what my mum said.’
‘She’s right. How are you feeling? Getting any sickness or anything?’
‘Not yet, but it’s early days, isn’t it?’
Zoe nodded. ‘You know where I am if you’re unsure of anything. My door is always open.’
‘I know. You’ve all been so lovely to me, I’ll be sad to go when Ottilie comes back. I wish it hadn’t been a locum job.’
‘You never know, there might be a job-share to be had if Ottilie doesn’t fancy coming back full-time. Have you spoken to her?’
Shabana looked doubtful. ‘I haven’t thought about it, but do you really think so? Should I go and see her? I’m not sure… well, I don’t really know her, do I?’
‘Would you want it if there was a chance?’
‘Absolutely! I love working here!’
‘I’ll tell you what… I’ll mention it to Ottilie next time I see her, sound her out. I’m sure she must have been thinking about it.’
‘She hasn’t said anything to you so far?’
‘No, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t considered it. I imagine she was worried to say anything because she wouldn’t want to feel she’s leaving the surgery in the lurch by asking for part-time hours, but if she knew there was someone willing to job-share with her, that would change things.’
‘You’re so kind! Thank you so much, Zoe. It really was a lucky day when I got sent here to cover.’
‘Lucky for us too.’ Zoe glanced at the clock.
‘I’m sorry… you need to get on. I just wanted to let you know what all the fuss was about, and sorry, again, for being so loud. I was excited; I hadn’t meant to tell everyone today – I meant to wait a few more weeks – but in the end I couldn’t keep it in!’
‘Congratulations again,’ Zoe said. ‘I’m thrilled for you.’
Shabana skipped out, looking a lot lighter, Zoe thought, for getting her news off her chest. Zoe, on the other hand, had never felt so weighed down by such conflicting emotions. There was so much going on in her head, she wondered if it might split apart. She certainly felt a headache coming.
Blowing out a huge breath, she turned back to her laptop, but even as she did, she realised trying to focus on anything right now was going to be impossible.