Chapter 25
Over the next few days, Alex made such an effort to be the supportive boyfriend he thought Zoe wanted that it was almost worse than when he hadn’t been aware of her problems. They touched upon her diagnosis whenever they had a spare moment alone, and each time Zoe felt he was pushing, too hopefully, towards a prognosis that she didn’t have as much confidence in as he did.
He seemed to think it would be easy for her to get pregnant with the right drugs, no matter how many times she explained to him that it simply wouldn’t be that way.
And no matter how many times she told him that it would be a mistake to rush into trying for a baby just because they might run out of time, he still mooted the idea too often.
She’d wanted a baby too, but she was scared that if they put too much faith in her conceiving, it wouldn’t end well.
Not to mention that they had so much else to juggle, with Billie and Louisa, her job and the campsite, and a relationship that was relatively new.
In fact, Zoe had been forced to remind him that they hadn’t yet been together for a year, even though it might have felt that way.
She’d seen pregnancies that had been meant to save marriages, and pregnancies where one partner had wanted it far more than the other, and pregnancies that were last-gasp attempts to deny the inevitable changes of middle age…
she’d seen all sorts of pregnancies that had sprung from circumstances that were far from ideal, and she’d hate her own, should it happen, to be one of those.
The other thing that bothered her was that she could always tell when he was speaking to Virginia because he’d become secretive about it.
He’d disappear into another room, or outside, or he’d be cagey about who was on the phone when asked.
Zoe wanted to believe they were past suspicion, and Alex had certainly been attentive enough since she’d called him out.
It was far more likely that he simply hadn’t wanted to draw attention to something that had been the cause of so much strife between them, but, much as she hated it, she had lingering doubts, and his behaviour wasn’t helping.
The letter from her consultant and the letter to Alex, telling him that the legal case against him had been dropped, arrived on the same morning. Zoe opened hers first, having noted the NHS logo on the envelope and already guessed what was inside.
‘That’s great news,’ he said as he tore open the one addressed to him. ‘I’ll make sure I have time to come with you… if that’s all right, I mean. If you’d rather go on your own…’
His sentence tailed off as he became engrossed in his own letter, and then he broke into a broad smile.
‘What is it?’ Zoe asked.
He looked up at her, waving the letter in the air. ‘They’ve dropped the case! I’m not getting sued! The claimant has decided to withdraw, it says here… I don’t know what V’s friend did, but I could bloody kiss him!’
‘That’s amazing!’ Zoe said. ‘You can relax now, right? They won’t come back and try again at any point?’
He was suddenly troubled. ‘I don’t know. Do you think they can?’
‘Maybe you should ask Virginia.’
‘I will,’ he said but made no move to get his phone from where he’d left it lying on the table.
‘I don’t mind if you want to do it now,’ Zoe said. ‘If it will put you at ease.’
‘I’ll do it later,’ he said. ‘I am at ease…’ He looked at the letter again. ‘This is the news I was dreaming of. I can finally move on without this cloud hanging over me.’ He looked up to see her smiling. ‘Over us, I mean. Because we’re a team, aren’t we?’
‘I hope so. Because if we’re not, I’m going to stop cleaning those pods with you.’
He chuckled as he folded up the letter and put it back into the envelope. ‘It’s a sign. Things are looking up again. When did you say your appointment was?’
‘I didn’t. It’s in July.’
‘July? But that’s ages!’
‘That’s the NHS,’ Zoe said mildly as she folded her own letter up.
He shook his head. ‘We can’t wait that long.’
‘We can’t do much else. I have to get in line, like everyone else.’
‘But you work for them!’
‘It doesn’t make any difference. And besides, I don’t work for this consultant or at this hospital. It’s different asking Simon for a cheeky consultation, but I don’t get any perks like that anywhere else.’
‘We’ll pay then.’
‘We’ve been over this,’ she said with patience she didn’t have. ‘Much as I love that you’re willing to spend all your money on this, I don’t want you to. We need what we have for important things.’
‘This is important. And now that we don’t have legal fees hanging over us, we’ll have some spare.’
‘No,’ Zoe said. ‘No we don’t. I’m happy to rely on the health service I work for just like those I look after. In fact, I’d rather.’
‘You can be so stubborn sometimes. Nobody is going to think badly of you if you hack the system from time to time.’
‘I never said they would. It doesn’t change the way I feel about it.’
He let out a sigh, and she could see new tension in his shoulders as he went to his office with his own letter. They were better, but Zoe realised they weren’t out of the woods yet.
In the end, Billie had decided against the alpaca trek.
Zoe could tell she’d been tempted, but given her recent mental health struggles, it was clear she’d come to the conclusion that she wasn’t quite ready for socialising with a load of strangers.
In fact, socialising with strangers had never really been one of Billie’s strong suits, though she’d stated her intention to start making the effort so she could help with the camping pods once Louisa was a little older and a little less needy.
But this morning was far too soon, and Zoe had to respect that, even if she was disappointed that she wouldn’t have Billie’s company.
She’d have Victor, though, and his alpaca, and the forecast had been for a beautiful morning, so she was sure she’d have a lovely time regardless.
In fact, it was probably just what she needed to alleviate some of the stress and general irritation she’d been plagued by over recent weeks, and it would be good to get out of the house and create some distance for respite.
Zoe understood that Alex had been through a lot, but she’d found his gloom draining to live with all the same, especially as she had enough worries of her own.
There was a breeze that swept up and down the hillsides that morning, changing their colours through shades of green and brown like a hand brushing up and down the nap of a velvet cloth.
Where there was grass, it was starred by daisies and buttercups and all manner of other wildflowers, and where there were ridges of shrubs or trees, they were peppered with new buds or already heavy with blossom.
If heaven did exist, Zoe decided as she walked towards Daffodil Farm, allowing the sun and the vista to clear her head and soothe her nerves, it had to look a lot like this.
Corrine met her at the door of the farmhouse and handed her a bag.
‘What’s that for?’ Zoe peered inside.
‘Your lunch, of course. I wasn’t sure about sandwiches, so I’ve done some ham and some cheese, and there’s a bottle of lemonade… Victor has a flask of tea big enough for both of you.’
Zoe laughed. ‘We’re only going to be out three hours. I could have had lunch afterwards.’
‘I was making for Victor anyway, so it was no bother. Fresh air can work up an appetite, especially with all that walking.’ Corrine ran a critical eye over Zoe, but it was filled with kindness and concern. ‘You’re sure you’re up to it? It’s quite a way.’
‘Of course I am! I’m looking forward to it. Everyone else has to pay – I get to trek with the girls for free, so I feel lucky!’
Corrine looked unconvinced, and Zoe offered a bright smile to reassure her.
The fact was – whether it was down to the glorious morning, the fresh air, the escape from Hilltop or the prospect of spending three hours with Victor and his beloved herd – she felt lighter and better than she had in weeks.
She felt more like her old self, fit and full of energy.
She had an inkling that her well-being – physical and mental – might be like this for a while, up and down and not quite ever settling into one state or the other, but she was hopeful, with Simon’s help and a visit to a specialist, that would all improve eventually too.
Victor tapped her on the shoulder, and she flipped round to see him grinning from behind the beard that seemed bushier than ever today, as if it was blossoming in solidarity with the countryside around them.
‘Am I late?’ Zoe asked, wondering if he’d started without her. She noticed there was straw on his collar and mud on his knees.
‘You’re all right, lass. I’ve been to the field to have a word with the girls, see which of them are up to the job today.’
Zoe grinned now too. ‘And who volunteered?’
He stroked his beard with that boyish look Zoe recognised well by now. ‘Ottilie, of course; like her namesake, she’s a grafter. Alice looks lively; so does Daisy. When I get the measure of the walkers, I’ll be able to decide who else to take.’
‘How many are we expecting?’
‘Eight. Two families, so that’s nice and neat.’
‘Are they coming here first?’
‘People park here in the yard – plenty of room. I’ll lead them up to the top field, and we’ll do the trek from there. Kids love to see all the alpaca, and sometimes I’ll let them choose which they go with… if I reckon they’re a good pairing, that is.’
‘Who am I getting?’
‘Nobody,’ Victor said. ‘Sorry,’ he added with a laugh. ‘There’s no need to look so put out! I could do with you free to keep an eye on everyone and help if they need it. I’m sure you’ll get plenty of petting time here and there with all of them, though.’
‘That’s the only reason I’m here, so I’d better,’ Zoe replied with mock affront. ‘And the sandwiches,’ she added, holding up her bag.