Chapter 30 #2
And just like that, there it is. The answer I’ve been looking for all this time out in the world instead of searching within myself.
All because I not only allowed someone the chance to ask, but also took the time to honestly answer.
I’m not scared to go back, I’m scared to have nothing when there comes a time that I can’t.
My fingers stop tapping and a small sense of relief washes over me.
He doesn’t speak for a while, and neither do I. But the quiet doesn’t feel heavy, it feels like we both just found an answer we were looking for and are content with that.
“Ya know, I spent months thinkin’ about this and avoidin’ reporters left and right because I felt like they just wanted gossip for their front page. Had I answered them, I don’t think I would have been this honest.” I turn to look at him as he focuses on the road. “It’s not a very tough answer.”
“Maybe not a tough answer, but definitely a tough reality.” He looks at me then back at the road again.
“I was convinced that you were told you couldn’t because the damage was too bad.
You present yourself as confident and all, but you found your weakness.
Now all you have to do is figure out how to conquer it.
You’ve got something to prove and nothing is scarier than a man with tunnel vision and a shit ton of determination. ”
“Rogers.” I wince at the husky voice that breaks through my thoughts.
“Hey there, Richy, how are ya?” I try my best to turn on the southern charm. To act as nonchalant as possible now that his attention is on me.
“No time for small talk. Let Judd know I need to speak to him.” For the first time since I met the man, he almost looks concerned, and instead of forward facing an asshole attitude, he just dabs his sweaty face and waddles back toward the cab of his truck.
I aim toward the build and find Sawyer and Judd talking about the gutters. “Time to get your heads out of the gutters, boys.”
“Where the fuck have you been?” Judd adjusts his hard hat, using the base of it to scratch his temple.
“My truck didn’t wanna come to work more than me today.
So she’s fumin’ on the side of the road and I had to show a little leg to get a ride in.
Real nice guy picked me up. Held me as I cried and all that.
” I make the joke but find it funny how therapeutic it was to actually think through how I’ve been feeling and find an answer for it rather than an excuse.
“Leave it to Rhett to hussy his way into the cab of a stranger’s truck.” Judd laughs.
“Oh yeah, before I forget, bossman is lookin’ for ya. Looked mighty grim. Must be your last day. Let me know if I need to show him a little knee to get ya out of whatever shit ya got yourself into.”
Judd frowns. “He say what it was about?”
“No, just said he needed to talk to ya. Didn’t give me gruff like usual, though. Just got his stinky ass back in his truck and shut the door behind him.”
“Is it odd I find it more concerning that he didn’t yell at you?” Sawyer asks.
“You and me both, buddy.”
“He gets this way from time to time.” Judd sighs, diverting his gaze toward Richy’s truck. “Doesn’t like if there’s a lull in projects. He’ll be back to ringing your neck the moment I fix whatever’s setting him off.”
“Well, while you go hold his hand, Sawyer and I will get back on these gutters.”
I look over to the pile of metal stacked together, thinking over my earlier conversation with Billy.
I don’t want to do this. Not now when I am fully capable of getting back on a bull, but as I turn back toward Sawyer, I’m reminded what leaving looks like too.
If I quit, I walk back into training hard, chatting less, and climbing a ladder just the same.
Only the ladder I’ll be climbing to get back to the top won’t be as easy as the ones I’m climbing here.
The push and pull feels heavier this time.
Now, I have real friendships to look forward to, and if I play my cards right Kaylee too.
Maybe this time I will get the chance to choose it all. I’ll get to ride, but I’ll also get to have a life too. One that I can carry well beyond the buckles.
“Look who’s head’s in the clouds today.” Sawyer’s voice cuts through my inner thoughts.
“Forgot I was livin’ the dream out here for a moment and my brain went elsewhere,” I murmur. “Speakin’ of livin’ the dream, your performance at The Westmore is comin’ up. How ya feelin’ about that?”
“I still can’t believe it’s happening at all.
And if I’m being honest, I’m more concerned about what it means for Daisy and I than I am about anything else.
I really want to sing, but…” He scratches the back of his neck and huffs.
“I’m just worried what’ll happen if her boss finds out we’re dating.
She could lose her job or I might lose out on the record deal.
It’s a lot to process.” His body shifts while looking at the gutters as if they are a window with all the answers, then he turns back to me.
“We both hate this shit. I could still manage to do it forever, though, if I had to. But something tells me your mind’s been elsewhere, too.
If I’m done here, what are you going to do? ”
“Movin’ on to manager, obviously. The bromance is a package deal, whether Telluride Records likes it or not.
” I laugh. “But I’ve been thinkin’ about this a lot lately.
Billy was actually who drove me in. The man has magical powers.
A few minutes with him and I was spillin’ my feelin’s like I was payin’ to be there. ”
Sawyer chuckles. “Believe it or not, he has the same effect on me too. Never shares much about himself, but has me telling him things that I, myself, didn’t even know I felt.”
“No wonder he’ s always headin’ for the horses and not stoppin’ in for a chat.” We both laugh.
Sawyer sobers a moment later, his light gaze pegging me in my place. “Alright, enough avoiding the question, Rhett.”
“Ya caught me.” I smirk, lingering on my thoughts for a moment.
“I think it’s time to set a limit on this little joy ride from hell.
” My hand starts to tap on the side of my leg and I do my best to steady it.
“I want to ride. My parents seem to think they are handlin’ shit back home, and at some point, I’ll be too out of practice to go back. ”
"Why the change?" Sawyer asks, the words ringing with curiosity.
I find myself hesitating to share fully. Mostly because I don’t even know how likely the dream in my head is going to plan out. "I think I finally found my why."
Sawyer’s contemplative gaze smooths over and he grins. "Maybe I’m speaking out of turn, but you always put everyone first. I think it’s only fair you put yourself first for once.”
He isn’t wrong, but I thrive on others’ happiness. Always have. I’m just now realizing sometimes it could be at the expense of my own. “Then it’s settled. Ya get that deal, and I go for the title. If Richy wasn’t in a good mood today, he sure as hell is gonna hate losin’ his two best boys.”
“I think you mean the two guys he yells at the most.”
I flash him a shit-eating grin. “Not our fault he’s jealous.”