5 Meet Uncute #2
In the end, I didn’t trust her self-control, and I strapped her into the baby carrier, trying to ignore her muttered curses in Portuguese and French.
She was in a romance-language phase that month.
Calvin tried so hard to hide his soft spot for Eldi, but even when he hated me, I saw his eyes twinkle every time he looked at her—even when she was cursing him out in foreign languages and scowling in his direction.
Calvin was being a bit of a dick, to tell you the truth, and he made me look fantastic in comparison, never mind that nobody had asked for my help.
He was furious, but it manifested as arrogance and condescension that did nothing to impress Charlotte.
All in all, it was a horribly unproductive start to this case.
Eldi struggled against the carrier as I tried to converse with Charlotte.
“Oh, poor dear, is she teething?” she asked, spotting the drool running down Eldi’s chin.
Eldi was gnawing ferociously on the carrier’s shoulder strap, eyes on the goat standing at the sliding glass back door like a dog waiting to be let in. I could only hope Charlotte didn’t let the thing inside.
“Something like that, yeah,” I managed, spitting out a hunk of Eldi’s hair that had found its way into my mouth as she desperately squirmed.
“Why don’t you hand her over to Dad while we talk, so you get a break?” she said, throwing Calvin a disapproving glare.
He turned a marvelous shade of crimson and started sputtering. Eldi growled at him, baring her teeth, suddenly content to be still in my arms. If Charlotte hadn’t been a seventy-year-old grieving widow, I would have kissed her.
“He’s just a coworker, not this one’s dad,” I said after a short pause to savor Calvin’s discomfort.
“Hmm,” Charlotte said, glaring daggers at Calvin, not convinced by his denials of responsibility. I wasn’t feeling charitable enough to defend him further. “Rough years to be doing it alone,” she went on, squinting at me over her glasses.
“We get by,” I said.
“Are you still nursing her? That was all my little ones wanted for comfort when they were teething, but it sure made things uncomfortable for me.”
I couldn’t hold in the involuntary squeak of agony that left my mouth at the mere thought of Eldi’s teeth anywhere near my more delicate anatomy.
“No, no, no! I, uh—she’s on, um, goat’s milk—she has allergies.”
“Oh, maybe she’d like to see the goats later,” Charlotte said. “I raise them and run a little dairy business, you know.”
Eldi was positively quivering with excitement at the prospect.
The haunting turned out to be nonexistent, as I expected.
A few recordings of the scratching noises coming from inside the walls and the rattling that reverberated around the house were the only concrete evidence Charlotte could offer.
She didn’t seem the type to scare easily, and I didn’t want to imagine the things her late husband had done to leave her so fearful of him after he was already gone.
Calvin insisted it was just a drafty old house and rodents.
I was sure he was right, but I had a different method than Calvin did to fix the problem for Charlotte. I listened. Calvin scoffed.
Charlotte finally snapped at Calvin that she preferred my techniques and insisted she’d be paying me to investigate instead.
So that was what I did. Calvin left and missed my using EMF meters and thermal cameras to show her the house wasn’t haunted.
Exactly what he would have done. When that didn’t convince her, I didn’t push.
Instead, I gave her a little amulet and said a spell from a dusty old book Winnie coughed up for me.
It wasn’t real magic, since it was unnecessary and not to mention dangerous.
All of it was bullshit, but it made her feel better.
And of course, Calvin saw through his Airstream window when I handed the amulet over at the door and watched as I returned with the spell book to the Winnebago.
Charlotte was so grateful, she even gave Eldi the stuffed goat that eventually became Goat, capital G, who still goes with her everywhere.
It’s the only time I’ve ever heard Eldi say thank you.
Goat was much cleaner back in those days.
He still had both shiny black eyes, and his coat was clean, a pristine white.
As soon as Charlotte walked back inside, Calvin emerged from his Airstream and stomped over to me.
“What’s wrong with you?” he screeched. “Don’t you have any morals at all?”
“Don’t you? You were an absolute arrogant, condescending ass to her! She was so terrified of her husband, she can’t let it go even after he’s dead.”
Calvin had the grace to look abashed at that, but he didn’t answer, just clenched his jaw and shuffled back to his camper to pout while I quietly got down to the real work.
A few online video tutorials and a trip to a hardware store later had Eldi and me headed out for a little late-night breaking and entering.
Lucky for us, Charlotte removed her hearing aids at night and took sleeping pills to boot.
She was that frightened of the after-dark noises.
With minimal swearing and sweating, I changed out the furnace filter—which I knew from the jump was the source of the weird noises in the night—while Eldi crept around the house, hunting mice.
We almost got away with it too. I’d already locked the front door behind me when I remembered the cash Charlotte had given me for the investigation fee.
I didn’t want to waste time breaking in again, so I attempted to shove the bills into the front door’s mail slot—not an easy task when also trying to manage a bag of dead mice, a dirty air filter that wouldn’t fit in my backpack, and a carrier with a sound-asleep Eldi snoring loudly in my ear.
I didn’t hear Calvin until he was right behind me.
“What do you think you’re doing?” he hissed, his voice mere inches from my ear.
I resisted the impulse to scream, but instinctively whirled and lunged out, smacking him across the chest with the bag of dead mice. The money flew from my grasp, bills scattering across the porch.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I said, deciding whether I was more scared or pissed.
“Were you giving her the money back?” he asked, voice unreadable, eyes falling on the cash scattered around our feet.
I scrambled to collect it and shoved it unceremoniously through the mail slot, hoping Calvin wouldn’t notice it was more like quadruple the fee Charlotte had paid me.
“Yes,” I said. “I don’t need it, but it made her feel better to pay me.
This way everyone saves face. I meant to sneak it into her purse, but I forgot.
She gave Eldi a stuffed goat.” I was annoyed at being caught out and accidentally spilling too much information.
I don’t do what I do for recognition. I do it for penance. Because it’s the right thing to do.
“You changed the furnace filter?” he said, frowning at the item in my dusty hands.
“No, Eldi and the ghost did.” I rolled my eyes. “Of course I changed it!”
“Why?”
“Because her asshole husband died before he fixed it.”
“And what’s in the bag?”
“Dead mice. From the walls.”
He recoiled. “You hit me with a bag of dead mice?”
“You snuck up on me in the dark. You’re lucky I didn’t pepper spray your face.”
“Fair enough,” he said.
His tone was mild, careful. I hadn’t heard him sound so neutral since we’d first met, all those months back. We stood in silence for a moment longer, me glowering and Calvin with a strange look on his face I couldn’t begin to understand.
When he finally broke the silence, he held out a hand.
“Let’s go back to camp before someone calls the cops.
Hand over the dead mice. You don’t want Eldi getting hantavirus or something.
” He took the old filter from my hands too.
“You’re carrying enough,” he said, nodding at Eldi, still dead asleep in the carrier.
“Thanks,” I said quietly. “Email her daughter back and tell her to get her mom a cat.”