45 On Belay
On Belay
The mist recedes as the beings who own a piece of my past, a piece of my soul, leave me. I am more alone than I’ve ever been, completely untethered. I cling to the wall and picture their faces. Calvin, Luca, Eldi, Meredith, Zara.
Death by entropy, returned to the leftover stardust of the universe, poured into the well of energy that magic users draw on.
Is that what this is? I’ve killed my mother.
Or is she simply a different part of the universe now?
The guilt is there either way. I did the right thing; I gave her exactly what she wanted.
Her family has returned for her; she has returned to them.
I could follow her. If I let go, those beings, my ancestors, they will catch me too. The truth of that reassures me, settles deep in my bones. Knowing I could let go gives me strength to keep holding on.
I left the door unlocked. I left it wide open behind me. Someone will be here soon. They have to come for me. The Carpathia came for the survivors of the Titanic. My Carpathia will not fail me. I am loved.
Maybe they won’t come. I told Luca to keep Calvin safe; I was afraid I’d pull them down with me into the depths if I failed.
But now that I haven’t failed, I desperately want someone to cling to.
It’s a dark moment that feels like eternity.
My fingers grow numb, and my legs tremble as I count on my family to find me, to come for me.
Carpathia. Carpathia.
I have to make peace with the idea they might not be able to save me. I hope desperately that they will. But regardless, I will love them until the end.
“Fancy seeing you here,” Calvin’s familiar voice says as he drops down next to me. He’s wearing a rock-climbing harness. His voice is steady, calming, but I can see the fear deep in his eyes.
“Here.” He holds out a carabiner on a short rope, the other end attached securely to his harness.
I register dimly that I’m somehow wearing a harness too. But I can’t speak; I can’t move. If I let go of this handhold, I know I’ll fall.
“Get in your lifeboat, Reggie,” Calvin says. He stretches his arm toward me, gesturing for me to take the carabiner.
“I can’t. I’ll fall,” I manage to say. No matter how much I want to, I can’t convince my fingers to unclench from my handhold and grab for the lifeline Calvin extends. But I don’t have to.
“Then I got you,” Calvin says, and leans forward, hooks the carabiner onto my harness, and wraps me in his arms. “I’ve got you, Reggie; you can let go.
” Calvin. He’s no blind leap of faith; he’s a sure thing.
Calvin waits patiently as I let go, pull myself away from the handhold I’ve been clinging to, and reach for him instead.
“Pull us up, Luca!” he shouts.
I glance up in surprise. We’re much closer to that open door than I thought.
Luca is perhaps fifteen feet above us, climbing rope in hand. I can see his face, expression grim, brows creased with worry. My sisters are at either shoulder, and even Eldi’s face from where she’s cradled securely in Orion’s arms peeks cautiously into the abyss.
I feel a tug, and then quite suddenly I’m on the ground, my soul yanked out of the void.
I am back inside my own skin, gasping for breath, Luca and Calvin on either side of me, a warm hand holding tightly to each of mine.
Orion is clutching Luca’s free hand and Eldi’s with the other.
Meredith is holding hands with Calvin and Zara.
Identical expressions of relief mingle with panic on all of their faces.
They are a chain, a lifeline, an unbroken tether to pull me back to them.
A wind whips up from the drop-off, reminding me we’re still inches from open air.
But gone is the desire to leap, now that I know what falling feels like.
My family is all there. My mother isn’t.