Day 104
Eve
“Exactly,” he emphasizes, his eyebrows raised with enthusiasm.
“I’m crossing it off,” I inform him and roll my eyes at his pout. “I think it offsets your other contributions.”
“Oh, you should add visiting a celebrity’s house. Or the pentagon—”
“We only have one month,” I remind him, but my lips quirk up, because I can’t get enough of him when he’s like this.
He’s like a boy, suddenly; all excitement and bright eyes, and I don’t want him to lose this fire, so I add, “I bet we’ll find a bunch of cool things to do as we travel. We can figure it out on the road.”
“I’m not sure I’m convinced. Your idea of ‘cool things’ is going to a museum.” He shakes his head. His sulking isn’t real, not by a longshot, but I still want to keep the faux disappointment off his face.
“What else would you put in this list?” I tap the journal. “If the world was full again, I mean. What other things did you want to do?”
“Realistically?” His smile is darker than I hoped. “Stay out of prison, probably.”
“And unrealistically?” I gently steer the conversation away from pain and memories and anything bad. “Fun things. Along the same vein of this last one.” I point to raid a sex store which was, of course, his idea.
“Fun things?” he repeats, seemingly mulling it over.
“Yeah. Who did Adam want to be when he was growing up?” I lean my chin in my palm. “When you were fifteen, sixteen?”
“Well, back then I had a huge emo phase,” he confesses and I nearly burst out laughing when I realize he means it. “It fitted me, okay? I was a troublemaker. I can rock eyeliner like it’s nobody’s business.”
“I’ll have to see it to believe it,” I tease, trying to picture it. “Maybe with longer hair.”
“It used to be longer before I enlisted,” he runs a hand over the bright blond strands. They’ve grown longer, almost long enough that his fingers disappear through it. “Think like… a hotter, less-of-a-prick Draco Malfoy.”
“Less?”
“I can still go back to calling you Chicken Nuggets if you annoy me,” he threatens and I grin.
“So before your life… rerouted in that direction,” I refocus on the question at hand. “What were some of your wildest dreams?”
“I wouldn’t call them wild, but… there are a few things I’ve always wanted.” I can see him getting lost in it for a moment. “A few piercings and tattoos, probably.”
I try to imagine ink on his skin, piercings dotting his face, and even if it’s hard, the vision brings a smile to my face. “What else?”
“A motorcycle. A job I don’t hate. An apartment I can pay the bills for.” His eyes return to mine. “A girlfriend, maybe. Or—”
He cuts himself off and avoids my gaze.
“Or what?” I encourage, finding his sudden silence concerning. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Adam this… torn about saying something. He usually lays it all out there. Nothing ever seems to embarrass him.
“A girlfriend or… a boyfriend.” He clears his throat. “I knew from pretty early on in my teen years. That I… liked both.”
“If you’re expecting me to run away screaming, that’s not going to happen.” I tilt my head to the side. “But a job, an apartment and a partner aren’t exactly the wild dreams I was referring to.”
He seems almost… touched by my casualness, and beneath it, maybe even thankful; that it’s not a big deal to me he likes men too.
“Well, I guess because I didn’t grow up in a very… stable environment,” he slowly phrases. “Those are the things I’ve always craved the most. Being able to take care of myself and have a solid place to stay.”
“A family?” I offer quietly.
“Not quite,” he says after a moment’s contemplation. “Only because I’m still young, I think. I’ve never really considered starting one, not yet anyway. But maybe a tight knit group of friends.” A sad smile climbs his face. “Like a found family of sorts.”
“I think you could have had all of that,” I assure gently. “If that’s what you wanted. And if… well, you know.” I gesture around us.
“I thought we agreed not to talk so much about before,” he says after a short silence. “Why now?”
“There’s no point in dwelling on what’s gone, but I guess I want to…” I search for the words. “Get to know you, or who you were. Before. I know we’ll never be our old selves again. I’m at peace with it,” I preface. “But I want to know even the unrealized versions of you. Even who you’ll never be.”
“He wants to know you, too.” Adam’s smile is much less sad, now. It has more light. “And for the record, I don’t mind, not getting to be those versions.”
“You don’t?” I try to hide my surprise.
“Not really,” he shrugs. “I didn’t have any people to lose, so I don’t really mind it in that regard.” He tilts his head at me before he adds, “And I gained you.”
I can feel my body temperature rising, and I’m sure my cheeks are the shade of a firetruck.
“You’d trade the entire world for me?” I ask shamefully, feeling bad for even voicing it.
“In a heartbeat.”