Chapter 14
Three Days Later
Shit was weird. Pops had asked me to come over for dinner, he was calling my girl his daughter and asking me if she was okay.
I didn’t know what the fuck was going on with him, but I was determined to get to the bottom of it.
As soon as I walked in the house, he greeted me with a smile. That was it for me.
“Are you dying?” I asked.
He stared at me for a few seconds before releasing boisterous laughter that had the rest of his sons coming into the room. The man was laughing so hard tears were falling from his eyes, but I was dead fucking serious.
“The hell is he laughing at?” Clover asked, sitting down.
“I asked him was he dying.”
“What?” Keem asked with a bark of laughter.
“Why on Earth would you ask him that shit, bruh?” Nathan wanted to know.
“He’s been acting weird. Calling me son and shit, calling to check on me and my gal. Then he invites me over here for dinner with y’all and was smiling at me and shit. Some’ going on. I figured he must be sick.”
They laughed harder, which only pissed me off.
I was seriously worried about his health, because to me, him dying was the only thing that would have made this make sense.
Sucking my teeth, I gave them a dismissive wave of my hand, then went to the kitchen to grab a beer.
That was when I noticed Mona hadn’t cooked.
The stove was covered with takeout from his favorite fish place, which was weird.
By the time I made it back to the living room, their laughter had settled down.
I sat in the recliner that was on the left of the couch.
“To answer your question, no. I’m not sick,” Pops said.
“Then what the hell is going on with you?”
Pops pressed the pads of his fingers together as his forearms rested on his thighs. “I know I haven’t been the best father,… especially to you, Him.” He chuckled. “Damn. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever called you by your first name.”
He cleared his throat and shook his head.
“I’m closer to my other sons because I raised them in the house with me.
With you,… shit was different. Not to make excuses, because regardless, you were my responsibility, and I should have handled things better, but I didn’t want to lose my wife.
Mona was the only person I truly feared losing, and I was willing to do anything to keep her.
“I’d cheated and felt like I couldn’t ask her to raise another woman’s baby.
Plus, I didn’t want to bring you around someone that would mistreat you, so when my parents agreed to raise you, I was cool with that.
I felt like I couldn’t get close to you without betraying her, and again, that’s not an excuse. That’s simply my truth.”
“So what’s different now?” Clover asked. “Because Mama made it very clear to us that getting close to him meant betraying her, and while her other two sons didn’t give a fuck about that, I did. I never wanted to add onto the pain she already had because of your infidelity.”
“And see,… that wasn’t your problem or responsibility. That wasn’t for you to do,” Pops said. “It never should have been an issue between the two of you because I cheated. She should have never told you no foul shit like that, and I shouldn’t have let her get away with it.”
“Yeah, but you did,” I said, “for damn near thirty years. My birthday is on Halloween, Pops, and you’re just now telling me you realized that you were wrong?”
He sighed and shook his head. “I knew I was wrong when your grandparents died, and you had to come here with us. It was easy for me to ignore my fucked up choices while you were away, but when you moved in, I had to face it every time I faced you. You wanted nothing to do with us, and I didn’t blame you for it.
I let you do your thing and didn’t try to force you to have a relationship with me; that’s why I invested in your skills.
My pride wouldn’t let me humble myself, ask for your forgiveness, and try to establish a relationship with you.
So… I settled on making you one of the most lethal killers in the South. ”
“So what is this about?” I asked. “Why are you saying this now?”
“Because I’m getting older, and I’m still in these streets, and my life can be taken from me at any moment.
I only have one regret in my life, and that’s not establishing a relationship with you and making sure you got along with all your brothers.
” He paused. “I expressed to Mona that regardless of whether you wanted to have a relationship with me or not, that I’d tell you I was wrong.
That I’d advocate for you and Clover to get along.
” His attention shifted to Clover as he said, “And you gon’ stop with all that stray shit.
He’s just as much my son as you are,” before he looked back at me.
“Julia ain’t been in my life since the day she told me she was pregnant, and if Mona wants to continue to hold on to that, that’s her cross to bear.
She told me I had to choose between you and her, and I chose you. So she moved out.”
“Damn,” Keem muttered.
“Was not expecting that,” Nathan added.
“Sorry to hear that, Pops,” Clover said. “I can’t believe she actually left.” He pulled his phone out, and I figured he was about to text his mama.
Pops chuckled. “I can. Ya mama ain’t loved me since she found out I was cheating on her. She stayed because she knew I’d give her whatever to keep her around. Now that I’m no longer willing to be punished for it, there was no reason for her to stay.”
“And you’re okay with that?” I asked.
“Honestly,… yeah. I love Mona, but I wanted her too much. It was unhealthy on both of our parts. I could do my shit and still come home. She’d nag me about it, but all I had to do was give her money or buy her something, and she’d be good.
Mona used guilt and the threat of leaving to get whatever she could out of me.
She used me. That shit’s played out now.
I’m getting older, and I’m losing my patience.
I ain’t got time or the desire to be walking around on eggshells, trying not to offend or anger my wife.
She always has something to say about what I’m saying or doing, and if she’s so unsatisfied with me as a man, it’s best that we go our separate ways. ”
“You chose me?” I damn near whispered in disbelief. “I feel like you just said that because she gave you an ultimatum.”
“Nah.” Pops chuckled. “I chose you. I chose her all your life, Son. It’s past time I chose you.
” I was honestly speechless, so I remained silent, and he continued.
“I know this won’t change things, but I’m hoping this will clear the air enough for us to try and have a relationship.
I’m willing to carry the load and do all the work if you’re willing to let me.
If not, I understand. We can keep things how they are, but my choice will remain the same.
I will still choose you, and I will not go back to her. ”
He was right—this didn’t change things. It didn’t make him giving me away better.
It didn’t make him letting my grandparents raise me feel less like a rejection every day of my life.
It didn’t stop the anger and hurt that consumed me, knowing he chose his other sons and not me.
It didn’t make the young me feel less insecure…
like I wasn’t good enough. It did, however, show me a side of him that I didn’t know existed until tonight.
While I appreciated that, it didn’t break my heart open and make me want to run into his arms.
“You uh, take all the time you need to think about it,” Pops said as he stood. “In the meantime, let’s eat this fish before it gets cold.”
My brothers stood and followed him into the kitchen, but I didn’t get up right away. When Clover walked past me, he squeezed my shoulder. I was so used to fighting him over the years that my fists balled up out of reflex.
“I ain’t ready to say I’m sorry yet,” he said as I looked up at him, “but I know the way I treated you has been wrong. I’ma follow Pops’ lead and do better. Hope for right now that’s enough.”
All I did was bob my head. Since we’d physically fought numerous times over the years, I couldn’t act like shit would magically get better between us.
The nigga had made it his life mission it seemed to remind me that I wasn’t a part of their family, regardless of how close Keem, Nathan, and I got.
I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t yearn for a relationship with my older brother and father, but I’d also gotten used to not having it.
After a while, I got up, fixed my plate, and met them in the dining room.
As we ate, they talked and joked, but I remained silent.
They didn’t pressure me to talk, which I appreciated.
I didn’t see myself welcoming Pops and Clover into my life on a more personal level any time soon, but I did respect and appreciate the conversation we’d just had.
I waited patiently for Cordova to respond, but I appreciated the time she was taking to choose her words right.
As soon as I made it home, I told her about what Pops said.
Initially, I planned to keep it to myself,…
for now at least. She had enough shit on her plate, and I wasn’t trying to add mine.
Regardless of how much I assured her we could replace everything lost in the fire, some things we would never be able to—pictures, jewelry, memories.
Maybe not having memories of her time with her cousins wasn’t so bad, but she’d always had a genuine bond with her aunt and uncle.
“How did it make you feel?” she asked me, turning slightly in bed to face me.
“I’m not sure yet. I mean, it felt like a vindication of sorts. I didn’t really need Pops to validate my place in the family, because I certified myself. I’m Him. I know who the fuck I am, but I appreciated him saying what he said. Clover too. Just not sure what to do.”