Chapter 40
Lydia
I wasn’t surprised when my eyes opened, fully alert at six a.m. It was Wednesday, and my body was ready for the usual work routine despite having the entire week off. Besides, I did have work to do.
I have a boyfriend. I think. Do I?
I went through my regular weekday morning routine and dressed casually to get a bear claw and a cappuccino to-go from a nearby coffee shop. I then spent an hour or so organizing my apartment, even though it was unnecessary, and cursed at myself for stalling.
I could barely feel Daniel’s kisses and soft touches. The scalp massage was heaven, though that was probably because they weren’t as gentle. My body was blocking it out.
When I was a kid, I learned how to ignore pain because I had to.
Foster care was good in the beginning, when the judge attempted to keep an eye on me, but eventually things got ugly.
I was moved to a different family—a couple who thought beating me for existing was an ideal pastime.
I ran away when I was thirteen because my body started to change, and the look in my foster dad’s eyes became less violent and turned lustful.
I could take the beatings, the blood, the bruises, the cuts…
but the way he looked at me scared the shit out of me, so I ran.
The streets weren’t much better. I had to learn how to survive and protect myself.
I made friends with bad people who protected me and taught me how to fight for a few years until one of them wanted more and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
By then, I never went anywhere without something sharp to use as a weapon.
After shoving his dead body off of me and pulling out the knife I lodged into his temple, I ran again.
By the time I met Nick, I didn’t bother even trying to feel again. I let my body stay desensitized to touch and pain. Nick was too stupid, rough, and an ass to notice or care. I didn’t care either.
This time, it was different. Whatever I did to block it all out when I ran away, I needed to unblock it. I never trusted anyone like I did Daniel. And it wasn’t just him—I had Becca, too. A friend.
I put both earpods in my ears this time and played my loudest grunge and metal playlist. I started dancing, jumping, and sweating in my living room until my skin was on fire and my muscles ached.
I focused on the drums and distortion, I listened to my heartbeat, I felt the drops of sweat move down my neck and back, and I let my body feel again.
I wanted to feel the attraction I knew was there under the surface for Daniel. I wanted to feel his soft kisses and enjoy them before he kissed me with more hunger. I wanted to touch his chest and kiss his neck and feel the heat of his body on mine.
I danced and focused on those sensations and desires until a new feeling hit me in the stomach and moved further down. Butterflies, excitement, lust.