Chapter 22 - The Island #2
“Still am, mostly. Jakob is one of the first to hit the road again, and it’s iffy.
First person to get Covid, the tour comes to at least a temporary halt, so everyone’s being careful so far.
We’ve all started on the vaccinations — no card, no job.
We all need work, most for money, some, like me, for sanity.
The Gulls can’t go on the road till we have an album, and that’s not going well.
Ray’s not a hundred percent anyway. He can’t perform — doesn’t have enough stamina to last through even a set.
I had to play. I had to get a life. Sound familiar?
Understand?” He got up and walked to the other end of the porch and stood there, next to the hammock, his back to Grace.
After a while, he came back and sat down again.
“I have a question.” Grace nodded. “What are your plans when you get to Minnesota? Ely?”
Grace looked away. She wasn’t ready to discuss this. She started playing with the end of her braid.
“What’s the matter?”
“I should cut my hair . . . “
“That’s not what’s the matter.”
“Okay.” She inhaled and sat up, but looked through the screen to her left, not at Robby. “Gene says I need to be where there are people . . . I shouldn’t isolate. He thinks I should try Ely. He thinks I’m more ready than I think.”
“Who the hell is Gene?”
Grace turned quickly. “My therapist.”
“Oh. Where do you want to go?”
Grace looked back through the screen, staring at the house next door.
A few long moments passed. Robby waited.
“I’m thinking inside the lodge or one of the rooms over the Lakeside, till I can find something affordable in Grand Marais with a kitchen.
I’ve kept in touch with everybody. They’re willing. ” She still didn’t look at Robby.
“You want to be near those people.”
She nodded. “I was happy. I want to go back to Minnesota. I’m sure of that.
It was the happiest I’ve been in years .
. . because of being there, with those people.
I don’t know if I can socialize . . . with strangers .
. . right away.” She stood up, abruptly.
“I’m going to get dressed. You must be starving.
You should go home and eat. Text me later about your guitars. ”
She started to walk off, but as she passed Robby, he reached out and caught her wrist. Neither of them moved or said anything until Robby said quietly, “I’m through letting you run.
That’s a mistake I deeply regret.” He stood up slowly and put his arms around her.
“If we do this, there’ll be no more running.
If either of us runs, that’s it. I’m not sure I’d survive that anyway.
” Grace began to cry. He just held her and tried to control his own breathing.
Finally, her sobs slowed, until she just shuddered from time to time.
The front of his shirt was wet with her tears.
He pulled back slightly and looked down at her, but she wouldn’t look up at him, so he went back to holding her and rested his chin on top of her head, looking off across the rocks to the water, just breathing, not thinking.
Then he pulled away again. “Look at me.” Grace raised her eyes to his.
“Do you love me?”
“Yes.”
“I never stopped loving you. Losing you was the worst thing that’s happened to me.
At one point, I swore to myself I would never be with you again and expose myself to that kind of pain, even if you wanted to come back.
But the pain hasn’t gone. I’m not even sure it’s better.
Living without you isn’t good. I want to feel better, but I don’t trust you.
You could leave again . . . that might be more than I could take.
So, I don’t trust you, but I don’t want to go on without you. ”
“I can tell you I love you. I can tell you I’m sure now.
But I understand that’s not enough. I understand not trusting.
I don’t know the answer, but I think you were right that at some point, with someone, you just have to take a leap.
I guess it all depends on how much you want that other person in your life .
. . and you’re the only one who can answer that.
” She looked down and picked up her braid again.
Robby let her go and walked to the other end of the porch and stood, looking off somewhere inside himself.
He came back. Grace was sitting at the table.
He sat down across from her. “Do you agree being apart isn’t working?
” She nodded. “Time isn’t helping much?” She nodded.
“Then maybe we have nothing to lose by being together.”
“It’s up to you. I can’t be responsible for your choice. I love you. I’m sure. I feel different. I understand myself better. I’m going to continue therapy. But I can’t make this decision for you.”
Robby looked away. “Before I met you, I was fine. Sometimes I wished for someone in my life, a constant person, but mostly I was focused on music, keeping the band together, writing songs, moving forward with that. There were always girls, occasional short affairs, sad partings, but no one I thought about for long. And that was enough. Gave me some good songs. Music was the constant.”
“Then came Covid. And it all came to a screeching halt. I didn’t have a clue what was going to happen next, and, by the end of the tour, I didn’t care .
. . was looking forward to what I thought was going to be, at most, a month off.
” He turned back to Grace. “I walked toward that gate and saw you from a distance, sitting there, so serious, with all that hair, and your beat-up backpack and chipped toenails, and nothing has been the same since.” He shook his head and looked down.
“I can’t go back to being without you. I know it.
Not after being around you this much and knowing you still love me and would come back .
. . I understand your fear so much better now.
It may not come from the same source, but it’s the same fear.
” He looked up at Grace. “When I talked to you about taking a leap, a risk — with no guarantees, I—” Robby gave a short, wry laugh.
“I apologize. That was arrogant. I had no idea what I was asking. But I do now. Life is strange.” He looked off.
“And I said trying was not enough, only doing. Marie reminded me our dad used to tell us that, from Yoda, in Star Wars.” He looked back at her.
“So, now I can’t say, ‘Let’s try again.’” He gave her a weak smile which she returned.
“I’m left with only what I feel. I love you, and I don’t want to go on without you. ” He took a deep breath.
“I love you too. Life without you is lonely and hard . . . and like you told me it would be from the first . . . empty.”
Robby stood up and offered Grace his hand. She looked at him, smiled slightly, and took it. He pulled her up and toward him. His other hand went behind her and pressed her body into his. He sighed. “This feels so right.”
Later that morning, they were stretched out, side-by-side, on one of the sofas.
It was actually long enough for Robby. He got up on one elbow and looked down at Grace.
“We once had a conversation, out by the firepit, establishing I had little experience getting to know women outside of sex. You remember?” Grace nodded.
“That was true, but the implication, which is also true, is I do have a lot of experience with women and sex.” Grace frowned and started to speak.
He put his finger on her lips. “Hear me out. There’s good sex.
There’s great sex. And then there’s great sex with the person you love, which is in a category by itself, a new category for me, since I met you.
And fell in love. What we have is special.
No one will ever convince me otherwise.”
*******
Most of Robby’s time was spent songwriting, but one evening in May, he and Grace were together on the rocks.
“You haven’t said anything about how long this songwriting session is going to last, or when you’re meeting up with Jakob, or about any plans to go back to Minnesota.
I get you’re focused on writing, but I’m starting to think about going back. I want to know what your plans are.”
It was low tide, and Robby had his legs hanging over the rock’s edge.
He looked healthier, younger. “I might not have said anything, but I’ve thought about it a lot.
What I’d like to do is fly back here from Chicago — the end of this part of Jakob’s tour — and stay with you till you leave.
Then drive with you to the house in Duluth.
I’m still renting it. It hasn’t sold. I made the decision to go with Jakob on the spur of the moment.
I couldn’t decide what to do with the house, so I didn’t do anything.
I like being in Duluth. It’s nearer Grand Marais than Minneapolis.
I’ve gotten close to Guy and Danny. Marie’s got a long way to go, and I want to stay near her.
I like my house on the Shore and want to spend more time in it, but Duluth has the airport and is right next to Fond du Lac and the rest of my family and friends.
Since I’ve been here, I’ve let the apartment in Minneapolis go.
I may put in an offer on the Duluth house. My house on the Shore is paid for.”
“You’ve done a lot of thinking. That all sounds good .
. . solid . . . One question. Do I figure into these plans or are you just hitching a free ride home with benefits, and I drop you off at your rental, and maybe we go back to weekends until your next tour, when you pick up a new girl in some airport? ”
Robby smiled. “I’d be an absolute fool to pass up that deal.” He reached back and squeezed her hand. “I understand you better, but I don’t trust you. I want you near, but I’m making choices that are good for me either way.”