Chapter 24 Bailee Ann #2
WE FILED FOR AN EMERGENCY ex parte order to get full custody. That little girl had suffered enough.
The transition wasn’t easy, to say the least.
Bailee felt betrayed by us. She hated us.
She felt like we’d taken her from her mom, and at eight years old, her mind couldn’t comprehend why.
To her, we were the bad guys—and her mom did a great job of manipulating her every chance she got.
Even though we were granted full custody, we never wanted Bailee to lose her relationship with her mother.
So even though her mom was trapped in her addiction, she was still allowed access to Bailee anytime she wanted.
She could call from jail and they bonded as she served her time.
Some people have negative reactions when I talk about Bailee publicly.
But everything I say, she has said herself or has given me approval to mention.
And I think it’s imperative to talk about her childhood honestly—this is her reality and our family’s reality.
And I want the whole damn world to know how hard she’s fought to become the little star she is. That child is a warrior.
Back then, Bailee’s health was awful. She was fully malnourished, and she didn’t know anything about proper nutrition.
She didn’t know how to brush her hair. She didn’t know how to shower.
It was a fight to get her to eat anything but sugar, instant mashed potatoes, or mac and cheese.
She kept getting sick—over and over and over—and finally, doctors decided that removing her tonsils might help.
By the time she had surgery, we’d lived together for a couple of months, and I was full-time mom-ing. I wasn’t sure that I liked it. It was triggering me every day: What if I cause this kid trauma? Will she hate me like I hate Mindy?
I was daydreaming and romanticizing about my old life back in Vegas.
I was homesick. My life had been flipped upside down in a matter of months—and it was chock-full of responsibility and monotony—the two things I had managed to avoid completely since I left home at fourteen. Cracks were forming in our marriage.
Women from J’s past were resurfacing. Other women in his circle in Nashville hated that he’d gone and gotten married, and they decided to make my life miserable as the new girl in town.
When I say I had to fight for my spot among the females in Nashville, I mean it.
Online was a war, too, with people trying to dig up my past and use it against me.
One of his baby mamas and her friend showed up to a show to try to fight me.
His “best girlfriend” snubbed me. I’ll never forget him pulling into the driveway one night and introducing me to a girl he called his best friend.
I smiled at her and said hi, and she completely ignored me.
To this day, that girl still DMs me, trying to be my friend, and I’ll never give her the time of day.
When someone shows you who they are the first time, pay attention.
J was going through a battle with one of his ex “managers”—I use that term loosely, because all the guy did was steal from J and make poor business decisions.
And in a full-circle moment: that dude used to be best friends with none other than Karma.
Dude was also posting my Eros ads and telling everyone J married a prostitute.
In those days, I kept my private life private.
My online following was growing, but some things still had to be mine.
It was all enough to cause major strain on our relationship. He could feel my mind was elsewhere. He knew I was getting ready to bolt. The pressure was too much.
When the doctor came in after Bailee’s tonsil surgery, his words sent shivers down my spine.
“We experienced some complications during surgery. She is so malnourished that her tissues wouldn’t clot.
She just kept bleeding, so we had to do extra work to cauterize the tissues.
She needs better nutrition.” He was looking at J and me, judging us profusely.
He thought we were the reason this kid was neglected.
“Thank you, sir. We’re working on it,” J said, embarrassed. “We just got full custody of her.”
When we got her home, the recovery was rough. Her little body was fighting with all it had, but she couldn’t talk, so she would write out her wants on paper. And sitting there with that sick baby and her father, I started to feel closed in.
And this part of the story still brings me to tears. It probably always will.
* * *
J AND I WERE ARGUING more than we ever had, and I was scared of falling into another relationship like all the ones I had been in so many times before.
I woke up a few mornings after her surgery and packed all my stuff. I told J I was leaving, and he didn’t try to stop me. I didn’t realize then that he’d dealt with so much loss in his life, that he didn’t chase things, even if it hurt him to let things go.
I was so overwhelmed. I just couldn’t do this life of being a mom and a wife while fighting for a spot in the life of the man I loved against all the people who had an opinion about me and us—all on top of newfound sobriety.
Today I know that to my core, I’ll never abandon my family. But that day, I did.
I could make up a million excuses for why I left, but it just boils down to fear. I was scared out of my damn mind.
I left J in that apartment with his daughter and drove for two days by myself back to Vegas. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t have a plan. By the time I got to Memphis J had sent a text.
please don’t go
It was too late. I wanted to see the neon lights.