Chapter 32 Ever After Happily #2
I haven’t been a perfect parent—or at times even a good parent.
I’ve made so many mistakes trying to help raise her.
Bailee went through some serious shit with us.
She watched us both get sober. She watched us learn how to have a healthy marriage when we’d never seen one before.
She has done so much work to heal herself, and parenting her healed me too.
I’m really only able to look at my own life and see the trauma and abuse I survived when I see that sweet girl in front of me.
* * *
THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF death the past few years—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m not even the same girl I was in 2016 when J and I got married.
Mindy’s sister, Andi—remember her? She died last summer from a fentanyl overdose.
She was an addict her whole life. Another example of someone who wasn’t willing to face the pain.
She was one of those beautiful girls who never got it together—even if she was the most vile, abusive woman I’d ever known—besides her sister.
But alongside the death, there’s been growth and new things too.
Bailee’s sixteen now. She has a job and will be leaving for college soon.
I could cry thinking about how she’s so grown now.
How much she reminds me of young me and how sad I’ll be when she leaves home to become her own woman.
I wish I could cocoon her and keep her here forever.
We’ve had some pretty nasty fights—as do all teens and their moms—and I’m sure there are days when she hates me, and I know there are days when I don’t like her.
But in the end, we always know that we have each other.
One thing she knows is that I’m protective of her because that’s one thing I never felt as a child.
I can only pray one day she realizes that’s how I love her.
Now that we’re finally stable financially and somewhat emotionally after all the healing we’ve done over this decade together, we’re talking about the future—including growing our family.
J and I have a surrogate, the sweetest woman ever, and soon I’ll be starting my IVF stims. We have decided to use my own eggs with J’s sperm—and we are trying for twins.
I’m so nervous, because I’ve waited this long to have kids with someone I knew would be a great father—and to be able to make sure they have the best life.
Some people frown upon our decision to bring babies into this world at our age, and I could give a fuck.
We’re going to raise these babies in love and give them everything we were never given.
I can’t wait to see a piece of me and him running around outside of our bodies.
I’ve accomplished so much in these forty-four years, and the next thing for me is to raise a baby or two and start my baby mama era.
I want to garden and make a home and find a peaceful stride.
A lot of people don’t even know that J and I have been on this fertility journey since October 31, 2019—I can’t help but giggle because a Halloween date is so fitting for us.
I call us “the Addams family” of country music.
But back in 2019, we were nowhere near as stable as we are now.
And I learned then that my Fallopian tubes were blocked and I would need surgery and that still wouldn’t guarantee I’d be able to carry a baby.
But with how much IVF has advanced over the years, and with the help of the most unselfish woman willing to carry twins for us, we’ll be able to make our baby dreams come true.
After the surgery news in 2019 we paused. I’ll never forget how nervous I was to ask J when I felt it in my heart that we should try the baby route again.
“How would you feel about having a baby?” I asked him. He didn’t blink.
“I would love to have a baby with you.” I honestly didn’t expect him to be so certain. It felt so good to see how excited he was at the thought of growing our family.
And like I said, we’re different people now. Our life is unrecognizable.
We got excited as hell and started our IVF journey. We’d decided to keep it off the internet, which has put us through the wringer more than once. Everyone has an opinion. I always say the internet loves to ruin beautiful things.
But leave it to my husband to accidentally drop the news on a podcast.
He came home from an interview with his tail between his legs.
“There’s something we have to talk about,” he said. I was not expecting him to say he blabbed to the world, but there we were.
“First of all, we should have done that on my fucking podcast,” I joked. “And number two: We weren’t supposed to tell anyone, babe.” I giggled, because I just couldn’t help but think it was so cute how excited he was.
How could I be mad? My husband is so happy to be having this baby or babies with me.
Scream it from the mountaintops, baby. I posted the clip before the podcast episode dropped—shout-out to the Bussin’ with the Boys dudes for letting me break the news myself.
I needed to control the narrative for our future child.
I had to protect them, even before they were born.
I knew what was coming before anyone else did.
The amount of love we got back from our followers and supporters was beyond anything I ever could have imagined. There was hate too—talk that I was having babies for content or trying to get paid. As if I don’t already have a lifetime’s worth of content and I’m not already well off.
But that love we were shown meant the world.
You can’t understand this until you go through it, but anyone who’s gone through infertility just wants people in their corner.
The last thing we want is unwarranted opinions from naysayers.
Sometimes all people have is hope, and it is so personal and fragile.
I didn’t have another way besides IVF—you know how many babies I’ve lost and how pregnancy almost killed me.
I know that my mental health couldn’t take the hormonal changes.
I’m in the best place I’ve ever been. I’m on an even keel and at peace with my own mind—and the best thing I can do for Bailee’s future sibling(s) is to keep myself steady.
I’m already so scared of the hormone shots, but it’s the least I can do to bring the gifts of the universe to life.
* * *
I’VE HAD EYES ON ME since I was in my twenties when I started escorting.
Most of the time, it was me putting myself out there—the paparazzi didn’t show up until a few years ago.
Sharing my life online was lifesaving. It made me feel less alone.
Not to mention I got to tell my story in the most raw and organic way I knew how.
Even then some people accuse me of lying about my past and to that I can only cackle. If I was going to make up a story, I definitely wouldn’t have picked being a Las Vegas hooker. I would have lied and said I graduated from Harvard Medical School and become a neuroscientist.
But my life is crazy now: It’s like a real-life Pretty Woman. A woman who grew up in the sex industry who pulled herself from the depths of hell and is now living on a higher frequency. How fucking beautiful is that?
Living life in the spotlight was always my dream as a little girl.
I knew one day I’d make it. I manifested it my entire life, and it came to fruition.
I’m so thankful for how kind the media has been to our family— not to mention all the other country stars and their wives who have welcomed us with open arms.
I’ve said things in the book that I’ve never told anyone—even for someone like me whose entire life is online.
I can only hope and pray that my story encourages someone to chase their dreams—or even more importantly, discourages them from walking down the path of drugs and abusive relationships that I took. I’m no role model.
But I am an honest to God, Cinder-fucking-ella.
* * *
I’VE LIVED ONE HELL OF a life—but it never made me hard. Rough around the edges, maybe, but I never stopped believing in myself or love. I am a hopeless romantic in all things. I try to see the beauty in the things most people run from.
J asking me about my five-year plan before he’d bang me back in 2016 was us manifesting our lives. And guess what? We made every single thing on our list happen—and then some. So, what’s next, you ask?
I’m going to keep speaking up for the underdogs—like my husband and I always have—and to keep proving people wrong. That has always been fuel for my fire. I’m going to keep growing my production company and keep watching it expand beyond what I ever thought possible.
But most importantly, I’m creating a life for myself and my family where we can be safe and free. Where I can just be.
J and I are now the proud owners of five hundred acres and a mini farm sprinkled with the cutest mini cows, mini donkeys, and mini pigs. Being a farmer wasn’t on my bingo card, but fuck it, I’m so ready. I have the love to give and want nothing more than to spread it.
We’re going to watch Bailee graduate high school and go to college and become the doctor or lawyer she wants to be.
I hope she finds love. Love for herself and love of someone who is deserving of her love.
I hope she finds healing and understands her worth.
All I know is I’m excited to see her grow into the beautiful woman she is.
And my husband—my dear, sweet, best friend who I’ve found over and over again in every lifetime—I can’t wait to grow older with you on the front porch of our farm with babies crawling around the floor. Thank you for becoming the man I never thought I needed. And for being the safest of spaces.
My life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and crazy fucking shit.
But through it all, I never gave up. If I got knocked down, I stood right back up.
One thing Bill did instill in me is resilience.
And although worldly things are cool, the lessons I’ve learned are more important to me than diamonds.
I’ll leave you with an Oscar Wilde quote that I’ve always loved—it couldn’t explain my life more.
“You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Go after what you want. Don’t take no for an answer. Give ’em hell, kid.
Tell them I sent you.