Chapter 4 #3
The thought of Trevor comes the way it always does — sideways, through something ordinary.
I reach past the notebooks for my cold mug and my hand brushes the stair banister through the open door — wood worn smooth by years of palms — and my chest tightens like someone's cinched a belt around my ribs.
Trevor's hand was on this banister every morning for years. I watched him do it. Down the stairs, right hand on the rail, three fingers trailing the top the way a pianist touches a key he's not ready to play. Unconscious. He didn't know he was doing it. He doesn't know I noticed.
He's upstairs right now. Sleeping, or not.
Lying awake, probably, the way I do, staring at the stain on the spare-room ceiling — the room he's claimed as his own, because God forbid we share again at this age.
If the house is quiet enough, and it always is at this hour, I can hear the mattress creak when he shifts.
Springs complaining under weight they weren't built for.
I've been tracking the sound for three days without meaning to, the way you track weather, something that happens whether you're paying attention or not.
Three days. He's been back three days and I've spent every hour of it making sure there's always a task between us.
Medication schedules that need checking.
Grocery runs that can't wait. Eileen's oxygen line, which somehow needs adjusting every time he walks into a room I'm already in.
I've gotten good at functional proximity — close enough to hand a man a pill bottle without being anywhere near him.
It works about as well as a bandage on a bullet wound. Which is to say it doesn't, but it lets me feel like I'm doing something about the bleeding.
What it is, what it's always been, is unbearable.
Trevor in this house. Trevor with his back to me at the counter, making coffee.
Trevor crouched by Eileen's chair with a gentleness that closes my throat.
Trevor breathing the same air within the same twenty square miles of Pennsylvania — unbearable, and it'll stay that way until one of us dies or leaves again, and since he already left once and came back, my money's on the dying.
I set the mug down. Don't move. My hand is still on the banister, fingers curled around the wood like it's the only solid thing in the room, and I have to tell myself to let go. One finger at a time. The way you release something you were never supposed to hold.
I pull my hand back. Look at the card.
Seventeen. Track team. Voss's car. Three weeks gone by and nobody's done a thing, because nobody in this town does a thing unless it pays them directly, and pulling a seventeen-year-old out from under whatever Voss and Dwight Calloway have planned doesn't pay anybody but me, and Hannah doesn't get a vote, because she's a kid trapped in a system built by men who see her as something to use instead of someone to protect.
I close the notebooks in their order. Hannah on top. Always. Then Annette. Then Judy. Then the witness pages, the map, the satellite image facedown so the red routes don't ghost through the stack. A ritual. Rituals are what you get when certainty's in short supply.
I kill the light. The tube dies with a sigh that hangs in the air too long, and then it's dark. Proper dark, where shapes lose their edges and the room becomes smells and temperatures instead of objects — motor oil here, cool concrete there, the last heat off the bench lamp that's been on too long.
I let my eyes adjust. Then inside, through the side door, into the kitchen and its sticky linoleum and the hush of a house where everyone left is asleep or pretending. The refrigerator hums. The ceiling fan turns its useless circle.
I stop at the foot of the stairs, one hand on the newel post, and listen.
Eileen's concentrator hums faintly from her room.
In and out, in and out, a machine keeping a woman alive one milliliter at a time.
Past that, down the hall where the spare-room door is shut but not locked — Trevor doesn't lock doors the way I do — nothing.
Just the quiet that means someone is there, breathing, on the other side of a wall too thin for either of us.
I stand there. Hand on the post. Listening to nothing. Knowing everything.
Up the stairs. Third one groans, then the landing. Trevor behind a closed door, alive, asleep or awake, here. After ten years gone, here, a hallway away, and the distance might as well be the Grand fucking Canyon for all the good it does me.
I take my hand off the post and start up. The wood groans under my weight, the same complaint it's made since I was sixteen and coming home late, trying to be quiet, failing.
Some patterns you can't break.
I go up in the dark, and the house holds its breath around me, and down the hall Trevor exists in the silence, and I match my breathing to a rhythm I can't hear but know is there — the way we did in that bed when we were kids, pretending not to notice how close we were.
Some habits are harder to kill than others.