35. April 16, 2023 #2
Her voice sounded so defeated, and he didn’t know what to do.
She clearly wasn’t going to ask him for anything.
He wanted to hold her and tell her he was there for her.
He wanted to kiss her and take away her pain.
He wanted to make love to her and reassure her that she wasn’t alone like he assumed she was feeling right now.
He needed reassurance, himself, that she was here, that she was okay, and that she was safe.
That they were where they had been before Zion took her.
But his wants and needs weren’t important at the moment, and he wasn’t getting the sense that even what he was doing right now was welcome.
Instead, he crossed to the bed, sitting between her and the French doors to the gallery. Her eyes shifted, but to the wall and not to him. “Talk to me, a chuisle ,” he whispered. “What can I do?”
He felt the coldness in her permeate the room. “Don’t call me that. I’m not your pulse; I’m not your heartbeat or even your fireball. It’s Cherry. Call me Cherry. That’s what you can do.” She paused. “I’d like to be alone, please. ”
What the feck? The turnabout from her rescue, not to mention the time in the hotel, was worse than a one-eighty. It was worse than how they’d been the past few months at home. She was cutting him out. He knew she’d struggle, but he hadn’t expected this.
“I understand you need time?—”
“I don’t need time, Demon. I need you to leave.”
“Cherry.” His mouth stuck on the name. It wasn’t what he wanted to call her, but he didn’t want to upset her further. “I know this has been a lot. Your dad. Zion. Giudici. Howard?—”
“You don’t know shit, Demon!” She paused, and then more firmly, she told him, “I want you to leave.”
So much for upsetting her less. He was torn.
Should he fight her? Refuse to leave? Lord knew that’s what he wanted to do.
If he let her pull away, he might never get her back.
He thought they’d finally come to a point of acceptance.
They’d come too far in their relationship to let it all fall apart now.
Somewhere along the line, he’d realized she was right and that it was time to put his pain aside.
Time to let it drift, like flotsam and jetsam.
He’d accepted it. Without her knowing it, he’d given her what she’d claimed she’d wanted.
He hadn’t let go of the medication, but he had let go of the pain.
He knew it would be torture but thought maybe he could withstand the pain. She was worth it.
Now that she had it, albeit unknowingly, she was throwing it back in his face.
He didn’t think he’d ever been more confused in his life. “What’s going on?”
He understood that she needed some space.
Her world had fallen apart once when her father was kidnapped.
Now, twenty-six years later, it was like it was happening all over again, except that this time, she had to feel even more betrayed.
Men who should have protected her out of loyalty to her father had been her father’s downfall, and she had to feel truly alone.
If he gave her space, it would let her come to terms with what had happened.
Maybe then he could work his way back to her.
He’d done it once. Surely he could do it again ?
“Don’t shut me out. Let me help you,” he pleaded.
“You can ‘help’ me by leaving. Leave, Demon. Leave and don’t come back. When we go home, everything can go back to how it was. It will be better for both of us.”
He was in shock for the first time in his life. This was not his fireball.
“How is this better for both of us?” He shifted so that he was in her eyeline, unable to avoid looking at him. But she didn’t meet his eyes. Instead, her focus seemed to be on his shirt.
“You said you were in this, Esme. Not two days ago. Now, suddenly, you want nothing to do with me? Did you not mean it after all?”
“It doesn’t matter if I meant it or not. It won’t work. I don’t have the energy to work through it. This is all just… too much.”
The words came out of his mouth without thought. “When did you become a coward, Esme?”
She jackknifed up in the bed, scuttling away from him, the sheet pooling at her waist.
“You and I are part of this issue, but I’m going to put that off to the side right now because you’ve been through some serious shite in the last few days.
” He reached out a hand and placed it on the sheet over her leg.
“Right now, you’re wallowing in grief. It’s not right.
It’s not fair. I would take it all away from you if I could, but it’s yours, so I don’t have that power.
But all your life, you’ve been a fecking powerhouse.
Nothing drags you down—not losing your mom, not losing your dad, and not all the challenges you’ve faced putting Tribe together.
You’ve never backed down from a fight in your life. Don’t start now.”
She tried to move her leg from his touch, but he squeezed gently, keeping her in place.
“You knew that the events surrounding your father might end this way. You talked about it. After twenty-six years, it was the most probable outcome. Now that it’s reality, you’re going to crawl into a hole and die like a wounded animal? No. Absolutely not. ”
He stood up at the bedside, ripped back the covers, grabbed her by her wrist, and pulled her from the bed to stand in front of him. “You can be sad, Esme. You’ve earned that right. You can be pissed. You’ve earned that too. But don’t wallow in your pain, and don’t let your rage consume you.”
He threaded his fingers through her hair at the base of her neck to pull her tight to his chest and bent his head to murmur against her hair.
“You’re strong enough to get through this.
Strong enough to get through anything. Fight, Esme!
Tell me you hate me if you want. Say you’re giving up on us when we’ve barely gotten started.
Claim you’re taking back every sweet word you said, every glorious moment we had together.
But don’t you dare let this change who you are.
Because if you do, I will haunt your every moment until it’s more difficult to be whatever this shell of a woman is right now than it is to be who I know you are at your core. ”
She remained unmoving in his embrace. It was her lack of response that scared him more than anything.
He dropped her wrist and backed away. “I’ll leave this room.
I’ll give you space. But even if I’m thousands of miles from you, I’m not gone.
I’ll never be gone. Never. You don’t get to break me and build me back up just to shatter me all over again.
I won’t let you do that to me or to you. To us.”
His voice cracked on his last words. “ A chuisle mo chroí .”