36. What Do We Want Most?
36
What Do We Want Most?
Clayton
I t’s the night before the start of championship tournament week, and Rocky and I have just arrived at the beach just down the street from campus. Students at Palm use our impending tournament as an excuse to throw a beach party—complete with the largest bonfire you’ve ever seen—every year, even though the majority of them won’t even show up to watch a single game. But that’s never bothered me any. It’s always been a great way to connect with other people on campus, have a fun night out with the other guys on the team—even douche canoes like Chadwick and Prescott—and make memories I know will last a lifetime.
This year’s tournament just feels extra special for a multitude of reasons. Not only is it my senior year, but it’s the first championship tournament I’ll be playing with Rocky. It’s also the first championship tournament where I genuinely feel like first place isn’t just within reach but in the palm of our hands.
Don’t get me wrong, Jax and I played great together, but Rocky and I… we’re unstoppable. His talent truly knows no bounds, and he knows exactly what I need, when I need it.
On and off the court.
Warmth blooms in my chest as I look over at him, dressed in a pair of black cotton shorts, white linen button-up, and black sandals as we make our way through the sand toward Jackson; he’s standing several feet away from the obnoxious bonfire with what I’m assuming is a Jack and Coke in hand.
?? It’s also safe to assume that he’s the one in charge of the music at the moment because he’s bopping back and forth with a buzzed smile on his face as the new country hit, “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” plays over the large wireless speaker. Rocky looks horrified as he turns to look at me. “Please tell me this is not some country version of ‘Tipsy’ by J-Kwon?”
I bark out a laugh. “Sure is, Baby.”
He rolls his eyes. “Jesus fucking Christ.”
I’m all smiles once we finally make it to Jax. “No Coach Taylor?” I ask.
“He left a while ago. Once the drinks came out he dipped. Didn’t think it was a good idea to be around a bunch of drunk college students.” I snort a laugh. He’s probably not wrong. Jax opens the cooler next to him and asks, “So since the boss isn’t here, what are you having? I’ve got beer, stuff for Jack and Coke’s, Malibu…”
Rocky and I look at one another before I answer, “We’re good, man. Got a big game tomorrow.”
Jax shrugs before grabbing us each a bottle of water and closing the cooler. “I figured as much. Brought these for the two of you anyway.”
I clap him on the shoulder and take our bottles of water, passing Rocky his. The three of us start shooting the shit, and I try to savor every moment. There are at least a hundred people milling around this part of the beach. Some are relaxing on beach towels, some are standing around the fire, and some are sitting in lawn chairs. There are people here that I talk to on a daily basis, and people here I’ve never seen once in my four years at Palm University—all of us so vastly different, yet all of us so similar. This is what I have loved about my years here at Palm. Experiences like these. The kind I’m not sure I’ll be able to get once I’m out into the real world. Sure, if I make the Olympic team, volleyball will be part of my life for many years to come—hopefully with Rocky right by my side— but memories like these… of being surrounded by people who are in the same boat as you. People who have no idea what the next phase of life will bring, people who are trying to live their life to the absolute fullest with friends that became family in a city they love, and people who are trying to become the best versions of themselves all while being scared shitless that the best version still won’t be good enough… It’s something you can’t get anywhere but college.
And when I look around at the smiles on everyone’s faces, something suddenly feels like it clicks inside of me. Regardless of what happens this week, whether or not I win the championship, whether or not I make it to the Olympics, whether or not I finally make my dad proud… none of it fucking matters. The only thing that matters is the person I’ve become here.
And I’m so damn proud of that person.
I’ve learned, I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve won, I’ve failed, I’ve loved, and I’ve grown. God, have I grown. I’m the man that I am today because of… me.
Nobody can take that away from me .
As if he can tell that I have just had some miraculous revelation, Rocky unashamedly rests his hand on my lower back and shoots me a mega-watt smile.
?? 1 We’ve been at the party for a little over an hour, and Rocky and I are currently playing a game of cornhole against Jax and Emerson, and considering how drunk Jax and his little brother are, it’s no surprise that Rocky and I are winning. The glow of the fire lights our little area of the beach on the otherwise dark night, the sounds of the gulf crashing against the shore in the background intermingling with the sounds of music and laughter.
And just when I think the night couldn’t get any better, I hear the shout of an all-too-familiar voice—the one I haven’t heard since I left my apartment this afternoon to go to Rocky’s.
“Irm?o!” Liliana’s voice cuts through the night, and all eyes turn to look at her. Joseph and Cassandra shake their heads and smile as they all walk across the beach toward us behind a sprinting Liliana.
Rocky’s eyes go wide and he drops the bean bags in his hands. “Lil?” he asks, his eyes ping-ponging between me and his family. “Mom? Dad? Wh—What are you guys doing here?”
In a few quick strides he reaches his sister and wraps her up in a giant hug before setting her down so she’s facing away from me, but now I can see Rocky’s face clear as day.
He looks so fucking happy.
Rocky grabs Lil by the shoulders. “You’re here? How did you get here? When did you get here?”
Rocky hasn’t explicitly said that he was upset that his family wouldn’t be here this week. But as someone whose parents are actively uninvolved, I know how it feels to not have the people in the stands you want most. And after my week in California with the Campos’ I knew that, win or lose, they would be who Rocky would want most .
Reaching up, Lil grabs her brother’s forearms. “Clay flew us out here. We got here this morning. He picked us up from the airport.”
Rock’s eyes dart to mine as I stand still in my spot behind Lil, not wanting to intrude on their moment. But before he has the chance to say anything, his parents finally reach him and wrap him up in a hug. “You guys should have told me, I would have gotten my apartment ready. I—”
Joe cuts him off, “No need, son. Clay offered us his apartment for the week. Feels like I’m staying at the Ritz. Way nicer than your place.”
Cassandra smacks him on the arm. “Joseph,” she scolds before looking lovingly back at her son. “We’re so excited to be here, filho .”
Rocky kisses her on the cheek. “I’m so happy you’re here, Momma.”
She whispers something in his ear before pushing him in my direction. As he makes his way over to me, I hear Lil ask Jax and Emerson, “What are we drinking, boys?” Followed by an “I think I’m in love” from Emerson.
Rocky clearly doesn’t hear him because he has a smile plastered on his face once he reaches me. “Surprise,” I say with a shrug.
Before I can blink, Rocky’s grabbing me by the face and crashing his mouth to mine. In the middle of the beach. In front of people. In front of his family. Rocky is kissing me.
Not wasting a second, I fist the front of his shirt and kiss him back with everything I have. He snakes one hand around to the back of my head, threading his fingers through my hair just the way I like, and I moan into his mouth. He smiles against my lips and starts to soften the kiss, likely not wanting to get to carried away.
Jax and Lil are cheering with joy in the background while I hear Joe and Cassandra scream, “I knew it!” at the exact same time. Rocky and I both chuckle as we rest our foreheads against one another, gasping for breath. Quietly he says, “You brought them here.”
“I brought them here.”
“For me.” It’s not a question but a statement. As if he’s now truly realizing the depths I will go for him.
“For you, Baby.”
With our heads still pressed together, his eyes shine with the desire to say something. To say the words I’ve been dying to hear, and my heart feels like it stills in my chest. As if it’s dying of starvation and all it needs to beat again is those three little words. “Clay, I—”
“What the hell is this?”
My hands fall from Rocky’s shirt, and our faces part as the murderous voice I just heard registers in my brain.
He would be here. He would ruin this moment for me .
I step around Rocky as if I were shielding him from my dad’s disgusted glare. He knew I was bisexual, and I knew he wasn’t crazy about it, but if the look on his face is anything to go by, he’s more than not okay with it than I thought.
Not even sparing him with a greeting, I ask, “What are you doing here?”
“You haven’t been answering my calls.” Rocky stiffens behind me as if that fact came as a shock to him. But it’s true; I haven’t spoken to my dad since the day of my panic attack. After that day I realized just how severely he negatively impacted my life. I’ve had him as a father for the last twenty-two years. And while it’s true he hasn’t always been as bad as he is today, those twenty-two years have accumulated to nothing but unyielding anxiety, doubts, and the desire to have the love in my life I know I deserve.
And over the span of one week , a family I had only just met, showered me with that love and then some. They made me feel wanted… cherished… whole. Rocky makes me feel whole. That is what a family should be. That is what love should be.
I cross my arms across my heaving chest, not providing him an explanation as to why I haven’t picked up the phone, so he continues, “Called Taylor to see if he knew where you were. Told me you were here. Didn’t think I’d show up to find you kissing your damn teammate.”
I watch Joe stiffen behind my dad at the mention of his son. “You didn’t answer my question. Why are you here?”
“Tomorrow is the first game of championship week.”
I laugh incredulously. “You’ve come to one game all season, and it was only because your investors asked you to go. So I ask again, why are you here, Dad?”
His jaw clenches, realizing I’m not falling for his bullshit. “I’m closing on a high rise in the city this week, and I needed to be here to ensure everything went smoothly.”
Rocky scoffs behind me, but I don’t even dignify Dad with a reaction. Because I’m not surprised. Not even a little.
But in typical Charles Aldrich fashion, he tries to side-step the fact that he’s a lackluster father by zeroing in on the man behind me. “Is this why you’ve been distracted all season? Because of him?"
I open my mouth to respond, but he doesn’t waste a breath. “I told you this whole partnership was a mistake. I told you he was going to bring you down. I told you that someone like him was going to be a waste of your time.” I feel Lil step up next to Rocky, anger radiating off her in waves. “And instead of listening to me, you decide to-to what? ”
Dad waves his hand at the two of us like he can’t even come up with the words. The fact that his son is in a relationship with a man he thinks is so below him is completely incomprehensible.
Joe takes a furious step toward my dad, but Cassie grabs him by the arm. Hurt and worry clearly etched on her face.
This is so not happening. I’m fucking done with this shit.
“You know what…” Dad’s nostrils are flared, and his fists are clenched at his side. Ready to rage against the fact that I dare speak up. “I’m done, Dad.”
“You’re done?” he asks with a laugh. “Done with what exactly?”
“You. I’m done with you,” I answer clear as day.
“You’re done with me? I’m your father, Clayton. Everything you are is because of me.”
“You see… that’s where you’re wrong. Everything I am is despite you. I am who I am because of me. Yes, I’ll always be thankful for the opportunities you and Mom have given me, but that’s not enough reason to hold on to what I hope we could be. Because it’s useless to hope where you’re concerned, Dad. I’m done with you acting like I’m not enough. I’m done feeling unworthy of love. I’m just done. ”
I release a heavy exhale, my body finally feeling like it’s shed the weight of a lifetime by merely speaking those words. Rocky’s strong hand threads itself through mine, and I’m only reassured by my decision.
My dad chuckles humorously. “And what are you going to do, Clayton? You cut me out of your life, and I cut you off. Who do you think pays for all of this?” He holds his arms out at his side as if he truly believes he owns the right to my entire life, but he’s wrong again.
So, I look at him dead in the eyes. Eyes that, in some ways, are an exact mirror of my own, but in others hold only the hopes and dreams of the father I wish I had, and answer him with unwavering strength, “Me.”
1. Say You Won’t Let Go - James Arthur