Chapter 16 #2
I make it through a few pages when I hear a car, and then the back door squeaks open. Krissy removes her coat and boots.
“Hey,” she whispers. “What are you doing?”
She opens the refrigerator and scans the shelves, pulling out a slice of leftover pizza and placing it on a paper towel. She joins me at the table, not bothering to warm it up.
“Studying.”
She frowns, taking a bite. “For what?”
“I’m inching my way toward a bachelor’s degree.”
She pulls back, covering her mouth with her hand as she chews. “What? Aren’t you a lawyer?”
I smile. “Not yet. I’m a paralegal.”
“Seriously? I thought . . .” She doesn’t finish her statement, picking the onion off the top of the pizza.
I rest my hands on my book. “I’ve always wanted to be, but sometimes life has different plans.” Her gaze lifts to mine. “How was your date?”
She weighs her head from side to side. “Ok. I spent most of the night with friends.” She pauses.
“He’s a doctor and is on call. We had dinner, but he got called in during the middle of it.
He’s . . . I don’t know. He’s smart, really good-looking, but also kind of stuck up.
” She laughs. “He thinks it’s ridiculous I still live with my brother. ”
“What do you think?”
“He’s scared of him.” She smiles, but I wait for the real answer, if she’s willing to share it.
Krissy is beautiful and funny. Watching her with the kids, I know she’s kind and sweet. Being only twenty-four, she was young enough when she lost her mom that it left a large, gaping hole. One that no matter how much a big brother might love her, he could never fill.
She shrugs. “I want to find someone who cares about me and not where I live or who I live with. Someone willing to stand up to my brother because he doesn’t give a shit if Slade has an issue with it. A guy that would do anything for me.”
“You’re smart to want those things and not to settle for anything less.”
Her gaze lands on mine. “What about you? You said you’ve always wanted to be a lawyer. What happened?”
I take a second to sort out how to answer that question while she takes another bite. “I fell for a guy who gave a lot of shits about everything but me.”
“Sounds like a real winner,” she says through a mouthful.
I laugh. “I was young and had worked hard to get where I was going, but I deviated from my plan when a guy promised me the things I longed to hear. It took way too long for me to realize those promises were more about him than they ever were about me or us.”
Her shoulders fall. “I’m sorry.”
I shake my head, offering a small smile. “I got the best things I’ll ever do out of the deal, so . . .”
“What now?” She chews her pizza.
I inhale and let it out. “Now, I work my ass off to get my life back or at least one that resembles something I’m proud of.”
Her lips push to the side in sympathy. “I’m scared of never finding someone who will actually love me the way I want them to.” Her words are soft, as if she’s never admitted that out loud. “At least, the one I want to love me that way.”
I watch her and see so much of my younger self. Hardworking, determined, smart, and independent. She has her whole life ahead of her, but I understand the desperate need to feel loved, wholly and completely, forsaking all others.
“You know, I think if we’re patient and take our time, the right person will come at the right time. ”
She wipes her mouth with the paper towel, thinking.
I shrug. “Or maybe they’ve been there all along and are just waiting for the timing or circumstances to be right.”
She rests her chin in her hand. “You still believe that?”
I think about it. “I do. I want that kind of love for my kids, so I have to believe that.”
“What about for you?”
I fill my cheeks with air and blow it out. “I don’t know. I’d like to think so. This single parenting shit is hard.”
She laughs.
I tell her what I really still believe. “I think it’s all about paying attention and not making excuses for someone who doesn’t treat us the way they should or when things start to shift in a direction that doesn’t feel right.”
I pull at the edges of my textbook, curling the pages back with my fingertips.
“It’s not something that can be rushed. It’s finding someone you know so well, all of their flaws and annoying habits, their bad moods and silly obsessions, that even on days when they make you so mad you can’t stand to look at them, you still want to lie in bed with them at night because tomorrow is a new day and they’re your partner.
The person who sees you at your absolute worst and is still there, choosing you despite it. ”
She stares at her pretty nails, taking them in. “I wish that for you.”
“I wish that for you more,” I say, meaning it with everything I am.
She leans across the table and hugs me. “Whoever that dickface was really didn’t deserve you.”
I laugh.
“I’m really glad you’re here.” She releases me and tosses her crumpled paper towel in the trash. “I’ll let you get back to it. I’ve got to work tomorrow night, so I’m going to bed.”
We say good night, and I get back to reading, but my head swirls with the memories that led me to exactly here .
I don’t know what I see for my future. It’s difficult to see anything other than the next five minutes because each one seems so damn hard. I’m treading water, barely able to keep from drowning.
Maybe it shouldn’t be this hard. Perhaps I’ve made all the wrong decisions and keep making them. This is my punishment.
I run a hand over my face. I can’t think about the future when my house currently has no running water, Miles is moving and up to something, and I have two courses I’m about to fail.
That doesn’t include my bank account being down to triple digits and trying to anticipate where the next blow will come from.
I pick up my highlighter and jump back in, but my mind is stuck on everything but statistics.
I used to be like Krissy—ready to take the world on and rise above my circumstances. Now, I don’t even recognize the woman in the mirror who stares back at me. I’m not sure who she’s supposed to be.
I’d made a plan to never be in this position. I was working my way to everything I dreamed of and kicking ass while doing it.
I want that again. I want to know I can do it—stand on my own two feet and take care of my children.
I rest my head in my hands and close my eyes. I did that once. I just need to find that girl again. The girl who was determined and capable and didn’t back down, even when no one else believed.
The only problem is that my dreams are a bit fuzzy, and the one who’s in doubt. . .is me.
My stomach folds into a knot, and I rest my head on my book. I’m really scared that what I’m chasing so hard shouldn’t be the same things anymore.