Chapter Twenty-Five
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Starlet
I got a C on my English paper the other day.
Mom would’ve been disappointed in me. The Starlet I’d been a few weeks ago would’ve also been disappointed in my current self. But lately, I felt disconnected from my education and former self. I’d been going back and forth in my mind wondering if my life choices were actually my own. Or was I trying to hold on to my mother’s legacy as much as possible? Was I trying to be a carbon copy of the woman I’d loved more than anything because I missed her so deeply? Was I dishonoring myself by trying so hard to honor her? Is that what she would’ve wanted for me? Would she have wanted me to lose myself in an attempt to try to find her?
That was a complicated conversation with myself because if I wasn’t the person I thought I’d been before, then who was I? What were my likes? What were my needs? What made me happy? I thought I’d have a few years before encountering my quarter-life crisis. Truthfully, I figured I’d skip over any life crisis because I had everything planned out to the T. That was all until I met Milo Corti, who turned my world upside down. Or was my world upside down all along, and he was the one who set me right-side up for the first time in years?
Whitney didn’t ask me about Milo again. That was because I gave her the impression that he and I were done doing whatever it was we’d been doing. I wasn’t lying about what was going on between Milo and me, yet I wasn’t sharing the complete truth.
The omission of the truth is still a lie, Starlet.
My mind felt as if it were set in a back-and-forth fight between doing what was wrong and what was right. I tried not to think about it too much because the guilt of it all would eat at me. Some days when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t know who stared back at me. I felt like I was in the middle of a massive personality split. I was shifting from the good girl I’d always been into something else, which scared me.
I wondered if my mother would’ve been proud of my changes or disappointed in how far I was veering off the original path. I wondered if she was ashamed of how I’d been acting. I wasn’t behaving like she would’ve behaved, which created a heavy level of guilt that I wasn’t certain I knew how to deal with. When I allowed my mind to slow down from the high Milo gave me, I’d sit with so much remorse and shame when I allowed myself to emotionally sober up.
Mom would’ve never fallen for the forbidden boy.
She would’ve never had a one-night stand.
She would’ve never gone to a fraternity party.
She would’ve been better than me, and she would’ve wanted better for me.
Realistically, I knew what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to push Milo away. I was never supposed to let him in as much as I had. I was better than that. I was the responsible girl who’d always done the right thing. Yet it seemed that my mind shut off whenever I was near him. All I wanted to do was be near him. To touch him. Hold him. To help him through his current struggles. It scared me how much I cared about him in such a short period. It scared me that I had a hard time focusing on my own life because I was overthinking the possibility of a life with Milo after he graduated.
When I built up a little courage to push him away, I’d walk into the library and see his stare on me. His lips would smile, and he’d say, “Hey, Teach.” And the courage I’d held would slip away. I knew I was playing with fire, but I had no fear of being burned for some reason.
Plus, he made me feel alive. I didn’t know I hadn’t felt alive since Mom passed away. I’d spent years walking in a daze, moving on autopilot, trying to cover up my grief by becoming a perfectionist. In my mind, I might not have been able to control death, but I could control my life with strict guidelines. Yet somehow that guide was destroyed the second I met Milo.
I didn’t know I could feel so deeply for another person. Looking back, I hardly even let John in. He was just a pawn in the chess game I’d been playing with my life. I’d been directing every single move to protect myself—to protect the queen from being hurt again.
Maybe that was why I tried so hard to become my mother—because if I were her, I couldn’t get hurt. If I were myself, my true authentic self, I could shatter. I could break. I could grieve the hardest things so deeply, and that frigthened me.
Falling for Milo was terrifying because life didn’t promise everything would be okay. It didn’t make promises at all. If life made promises, then Milo would’ve been okay. He wouldn’t be going through his current struggles, which seemed extremely unfair.
He’s going blind.
My chest ached when I thought about his diagnosis.
All I wanted to do was ensure he was okay, which meant that many of my thoughts were wrapped around him. He didn’t speak about it often, but I knew the possibility of him losing his sight ate at his thoughts. It ate at mine, too. The more time we spent together, the more connected we became. The more he hurt, the more my heart crumbled.
I’d spent so much time online researching different specialty centers. Looking into clinical testing they had going on across the United States and reading every article on retinitis pigmentosa. Many individuals described retinitis pigmentosa as if they were looking through the hole of a straw. They only saw so much, with blackness all around them. So many things were adding up, like how he couldn’t see the stars when we were up north, how he’d run into things more often than not, and how he struggled with reading novels.
It wasn’t fair.
I hated that life wasn’t fair.
On a random Wednesday late morning, Whitney walked into our dorm room and arched an eyebrow as she saw me tossing on my winter coat. She glanced down at her watch. “Hey, what are you doing here? Aren’t you normally in class?”
“I’m skipping today,” I told her as I zipped up my jacket.
Her eyes narrowed. “Skipping? You’ve never skipped class. You literally went to your psych class when you had food poisoning last semester.”
Her words landed in my gut, and guilt began to spiral. She was right. I should’ve been in class.
I glanced at my vision board beside my floor-length mirror. I shook my head, took it down, and tossed it upside down on my desk. “Yeah, well, I’m not exactly the same Starlet I was last semester.”
“Star…” She walked over and placed a comforting hand on my arm. “What’s going on?”
I turned to meet her stare, and tears flooded my eyes. I shook my head. “I just need to get away. I just need…” My mom. I needed my mom. I felt so weak and lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself, and Mom wasn’t there to guide me. She’d been gone for years now. How was it possible that I still felt as if I needed her every single day?
I took a deep breath. “I think I’m going to go drive to Pewaukee for a hike.”
Whitney’s lips parted as she stood slightly stunned. “Is there anything I can do to help? Will you be okay driving up there? You seem upset.”
“I’ll be fine. Thanks.”
“I can come with you,” she offered.
“You have classes today.”
She gave me a small smile. “Unlike old you, I’m more than fine skipping a class or two.”
I let out a small chuckle and then cleared my throat. “Whitney?”
“Yeah?”
“If I told you I was still seeing Milo, what would you tell me to do?” I whispered. “And if I told you he was going blind and was struggling, what would you tell me to do?”
Her hand was still on my arm, the comfort still being delivered. “Depends. Do you want your hard, truthful best friend or your soft, truthful best friend?”
I quietly snickered as tears fell from my eyes. “I thought you only had the hard, truthful version.”
“That was until I saw how our last conversation went. Sometimes people don’t need harsh reality checks. Sometimes they need someone in their corner to be gentle with them. And I’ll always be in your corner, Star.”
“No matter what?”
“No matter what.” She lowered her head and chewed on her thumbnail. “He’s going blind?”
“Yes. He just found out.”
“Gosh. That’s hard. And you’re still falling in love with him?”
“I think I’m already there.”
“Like puppy love or real love?”
“Real-real.”
She smiled. It was a soft, timid smile, but it was there. “Okay then. Back to your question. If you told me you were still seeing Milo, what would I tell you to do…” She sighed and brushed her hand against her forehead. “I’d tell you to be careful with your heart but still let it lead you.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Whit.”
“Always. Besides”—she wiped my tears—“you were more than due for a nice plot twist to your life story. I think I was truly just in shock when you first told me. Plus, you, my friend, of all people, deserve to fall in love. Especially with a hot-hot guy.”