Chapter 4 #2
But he could have been anywhere. There were no restrictions on someone with plenty of money, no job, and a plane, right? Life was boundless.
My own boundaries seemed extremely restrictive right now but I could do something about them.
I could leave and go somewhere else—anywhere else.
That had been my search at the library, in fact: new places to live.
But for the moment, I was heading back to Kolter’s house and I was feeling pretty defeated, too.
There were thousands of other towns and cities, but there were problems. One was not having enough money to buy gas, to eat, and to get a place to stay.
Another was running into some type of vapor that pursued me and melted my skin, but money was the real issue.
A few weeks before, the snow had also melted in the driveway.
It had exposed deep ruts of mud and I had to be careful that my low car didn’t get stuck in them.
Then I carefully walked over the dirt to the steps, and I picked the places that I knew were sturdier as I went up them.
The pine needle I’d balanced on the door handle was still there, which was a good thing.
It was always a question in my mind when I came home: was I going to walk in and find Kolter waiting for me?
His car had broken down but he was getting dropped off, sometimes by friends and often by his mom.
She couldn’t have been aware of why he wanted to stop by so often.
Anyway, I always set up the pine needle so I could at least have a moment to prepare myself if I saw that it had fallen.
But despite the all-clear signal now, I didn’t go in quite yet.
I sat on the top step, on the left side near the edge where it didn’t dip very much, and thought more.
There really was a lot to consider: where I was going to live, how I would get there, if I really wanted to go through with the job I had agreed to do, and again, Kolter.
When the furnace had started to fail, he had stuck around for a little while.
But the day he’d left for his mom’s house to play video games had signaled a big change in our lives.
Since then, he hadn’t spent the night here but maybe he would want to again since it was getting warmer as the last frost date was approaching.
How would I deal with that? I had gotten more used to being alone, less afraid of animal noises and the sound of the wind in the trees.
I wasn’t thinking as much about the old graveyard that was only three miles away.
In fact, the graveyard put me less on edge than the thought of having Kolter around, but it was his house.
I had kept on paying his mother even if he wasn’t living with me, and he had mostly been keeping up with the utilities.
Not regularly, but I still had water and lights.
I thought about staying longer and planting a garden, like Cadence wanted to do.
I could put flowers around the door where there was currently a piece of a car (something from the engine).
Maybe I could deal with him and his visits, as long as I had this place.
I could start watching videos about construction instead of bread and fix everything up.
But I would still have Kolter. I sighed and rested my chin in my hand.
A car went flying past, its own engine intact, and I absently watched it. Not too many people used this road to the middle of nowhere. But then another one also approached and it was moving in a funny way—it was slowing down, which didn’t make sense.
This was an SUV that I didn’t recognize, a new one.
I could clearly see the driver. He was tall with blonde hair and he did look a lot like the guy in the movie that Cadence had talked about, the old one with the pool player who was so handsome.
I had watched it in increments on the library computer.
He slowed down even more and then he carefully turned in, a smart strategy due to the mud.
His car looked brand-new and it would have been a shame to muck it up in the mess of the driveway.
I watched as he got out and also stepped around that mud to approach me.
“Do you want me to park in the road again?” Nolan called.
Due to my shock, I didn’t even process his question. “Why are you here?” I asked instead of answering.
“I thought I’d stop by to see you. I tried the number you gave me before but it didn’t work.” He took off his sunglasses and squinted a little as he looked at me. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, I just had to get a different phone.
I have a different number, too.” That had been a big issue in my life, but I had gotten the new stuff very recently.
That meant that there had been weeks—no, there had been months of silence between us when he hadn’t tried to get in touch, but there could have been a good reason.
“Were you out of the country or something? Can you text people when you go different places?”
“Yes, you can,” he said. “Do you mind if I sit with you?’
“I wouldn’t do that. I mean, the Constitution basically gives us freedom of movement.
” I’d read it at the library, which had taken forever.
“The problem is that these steps are rotting and you could fall through.” And he had on nice clothes, not a suit, but still better than the sweatpants that I had worn to clean today and my T-shirt that had a picture of some hardware and the words “SCREW U.” Anyway, my attempts to fix the pokey and broken parts of these boards with glue hadn’t been successful, so I stood and walked back down to him.
“Did you need something?” I wondered.
“No, not really.”
Well then, what? We stared at each other and I took a better survey of him.
Before, he had been on the thin size for his height, and that had gotten more pronounced.
His nice shirt and pants bagged around him.
He also looked like he needed a haircut, which was funny because his style had been so precise before.
I remembered thinking that he must have gone for a trim at least every few weeks to keep it up so well.
He still had circles under his eyes and if he had been traveling somewhere, it hadn’t been to sit in the sun.
He was as pale as the night when I’d first picked him up, stumbling down the road in the dark.
“Have you been sick?” I asked. “Are you sick right now?” Maybe that was why he needed to sit. “Are you about to fall over?”
“No, I’m feeling ok. I did get worried when I found that your former number was no longer in service.”
But again, I had just gotten the new one.
After I’d seen him in January, he hadn’t tried to get in touch at all and this type of behavior reminded me of my sister.
She had always acted aggrieved and upset if I didn’t immediately respond to her, even after she had ignored me for months or years.
“You can see that I’m fine,” I told him.
“Do you want to go back to that restaurant? The one near here?” he offered. “We could have something to eat.”
He looked like he needed it. “Well, all right,” I agreed, but I didn’t feel very enthusiastic and I hesitated even more when he said that he could drive us. “Have you been drinking?” I asked him. I wasn’t catching any signs of it, like shakes, stumbles, slurred words, or smells.
“No. I quit that entirely,” he said.
It was an interesting statement and one I wasn’t sure I believed, but at least the concept was on his mind. I told him that we could go together but it was more of a decision about gas savings over safety.
“Why did you quit?” I asked when I was in his car. It smelled brand-new and now that I was sitting close to him, I still didn’t catch the scent of alcohol. He wore a short-sleeve shirt with no coat so there was no inside pocket for his flask. I also didn’t see it anywhere in the car.
“There were several reasons. I decided that I’d had enough,” he said, and slowly backed out into the road. “I’d had enough of myself and I was tired of it, of everything.”
“So, what did you do?”
“I checked myself into a treatment facility. I detoxed and stayed to do their program, and then I re-upped and stayed longer. That’s where I’ve been for the past few months, if you were wondering.”
“I was wondering,” I admitted. “I thought that I would see you again after we went for coffee that day. You were the only person I had really talked to up here, besides Kolter, and I thought…” It didn’t matter what I had thought. “I’m glad you quit.”
“You sound doubtful. My parents don’t believe it either, but they also didn’t believe that I had a problem. Both of them drink a lot, too,” he explained. “It’s a family vice.”
“Sometimes it’s hard to break away from what your family does.” I looked out the window, thinking about what I was going to do tonight. It was my family’s tradition and I would probably need to be drunk, myself.
“Why did you sigh like that? I’m actually doing much better, even if I do look ill,” he said. “I haven’t touched any alcohol since January. I have four months of sobriety.”
“Are you eating?” I asked. “Are you sleeping?”
He was quiet for a moment before he answered, “Not so much.” Then neither of us had anything to say for the rest of the ride to the little restaurant. With football season over, it was empty again and we could have just taken a table, but Nolan ordered a lot of food, too.
We stayed quiet until it arrived and then he pushed a wrapped burger towards me. “Help yourself,” he offered.
“I’m not that hungry. You should have something.”