Chapter 14 #3
“If I were her mother, I’d be packing my bags,” I said. “It’s better to get that done early, just in case you have to leave fast. I was never prepared and that’s one reason why I’ve lost so much stuff over the years. That and people burning or selling it.”
“Nobody will do that anymore.” He plumped up my pillow and then did his own. “We won’t have to run out of here in the middle of the night.”
“Unless a wendigo gets in. There’s one in my book, but I think it’s actually just the murderer pretending that all the crimes are supernatural stuff.”
He looked at the cover of the library paperback on the nightstand. “Do you think you should be reading that? You’re already nervous about ghosts.”
“I’m not,” I said. I snuggled under the extra blanket that was for my side of the bed only. “I’m not positive that I believe in them anymore. I mean, I may, but I’m not sure.”
“What changed your mind?”
“I don’t have to be afraid of stuff now,” I said.
“I thought that I was scared of the cemetery that was near Kolter’s house, but I was more scared of him.
I would think about people rising from their graves instead of dreading what would happen when he got home.
I was doing all the things that Cadence talked about, how she manages her mom and tries to control her moods.
If I didn’t do it right, it came back hard on me. ”
“You know that I would never—”
“I know,” I told him. “I know.”
We turned off the lights, but I wasn’t able to sleep right away.
So far, this had been the best Christmas I’d ever experienced.
There had been no fighting and there had been plenty of food.
And tomorrow, I had a present for Nolan that I was excited to give him.
I had gotten a backpack because he would be returning to school to take a few classes that would move him toward a teaching career, and I had also gotten a water bottle and new pens.
I wanted him to know that I supported what he was doing and that I was right behind him, if he needed me.
Maybe he had gotten me a present, too. He hadn’t needed to, but it would have been so exciting to have something, maybe even wrapped and with a ribbon! I couldn’t think of the last time I’d gotten a gift like that or if I ever had, in my life.
I looked at his faint shadow in the moonlight. Then I scooted across the cold sheets, until I was near enough to his side that I could feel his warmth.
“Nolan?” I whispered.
“Mmm.”
“Can I hug you?”
“What? Hug me?” He sighed and then turned onto his back. “Vivi?” He opened his arm and I pressed against his side. “You ok?”
I was. “I just wanted to do this,” I explained.
I thought he might have already been asleep, because he sighed again.
But then his arms tightened, snuggling me closer, and I reached across his body so that I could hug him, too.
We didn’t need to have sex, no matter what Cadence had said about it.
She wouldn’t have understood how he didn’t have any desire to do it and that I didn’t either. I was done with that.
I shivered a little but not from a chill. I’d gotten a warm, squiggly kind of feeling. No, I definitely wasn’t cold anymore—I actually felt very hot and again, kind of quivery. It took even longer for me to fall asleep and when I woke up the next morning, I still had that feeling. It was stronger.
“Vivi,” Nolan murmured. We had moved sometime in the night but we were still pressed together.
Now, we were spooning, my back against his chest and his legs tucked behind mine.
He held me in his arms again, but it was different.
His hand cradled my breast and he was massaging with his fingers.
His hips were moving, too, rhythmically. Thrust, thrust, thrust…
I made a sound in my throat that sounded like a purr.
He froze. His hips stopped and so did his massage, and then he jerked his hand away. “Vivi?” he asked, but this time, he was wide awake. He rolled away from me and I heard him breathing hard.
“You must be really relieved,” I said, sitting up. I was panting a little and I felt even hotter than before, and just as shaky inside.
“What? You think I’m relieved?”
“Before, you were worried about how you didn’t want to have sex, but it looks like you want it now,” I said.
“I’m sorry.” He put his hand over his face. “I was asleep and I didn’t know what I was doing.”
“Yeah, that’s ok…” But I was speaking to his back, because he had gotten out of the bed and strode into the bathroom. He closed the door behind himself, almost slamming it.
I stayed beneath the sheets, trying to catch my breath.
I ran my tongue over my lips, which felt swollen—a lot of me did, like my breasts and the place between my legs, which was throbbing.
I needed water. I also got up and went to another of the bedrooms up here.
Like Cadence had done the night before, I stuck my face under the cold water tap.
When I got downstairs, she was on her way out the door. “No, I can’t stay. I really need to go back so that my mom and I can discuss things,” she told me. “I have some serious issues to go over.” She drew in a breath that stuttered.
“You don’t have to be scared,” I encouraged. “Just tell her what you said to me last night. You’re almost thirty. Thirty.”
“I’m not even twenty-nine yet!”
“I’m saying that it’s great,” I told her. “It means that you’re definitely old enough to be in charge of your own life. You can cut your hair how you want, wear what you want, and spend your money however you choose. You don’t need to argue with the person who’s a guest in your house.”
“We have serious issues,” she said again, and she definitely sounded serious. She also looked as if she might start to cry, but before she could, she hurried out into the driveway. Then she slowly backed out her car, exceedingly slowly, and she was gone.
I waited in the kitchen with the coffee made because now I knew how to use the machine. When Nolan joined me, he met my eyes briefly but then looked away. He grabbed a mug and filled it nearly to the brim.
“Are you upset about what happened between us?” I asked.
“Upset? No. Ashamed of myself? Yes, yes I am,” he told me. “I’m very sorry I did that.”
“I started it. I was cuddling with you last night and it must have gotten you in the mood.”
He put down his big mug as his one eyebrow went up. “You were cuddling me?”
“Yeah, so if you’re going to be mad it should be directed at me, not yourself. I started it.”
He nodded slightly and sipped. He nodded again, and we sat in silence.
This was not what I had wanted for him or for myself on this holiday. We had been invited to his parents’ house but had decided to stay here alone to enjoy it, and we weren’t.
Maybe presents would help. “Come into the living room, “ I offered. When he did, I went to the closet where I’d hidden his gift and emerged with it outstretched. “This is for you. Merry Christmas.”
“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he said. But he smiled as he took the gift bag and removed the tissue paper. “Is this for me to use at school?”
“For your fresh start,” I agreed. “Do you like the color?”
“I do. I love it,” he said. “This is perfect.”
“I know you could buy whatever you want—”
“No, I wouldn’t have been able to find a backpack and water bottle that I like as much as this. Thank you.”
I smiled back. “You’re welcome.”
He also got up and went upstairs, and when he returned, he held a small box that was wrapped and had a red ribbon. “Merry Christmas,” he said as he handed it to me.
“What is this?”
“The element of surprise is part of gift-giving,” he said. “If I tell you, it’s not as fun.”
I removed the ribbon, carefully smoothing it with my finger on the arm of the couch. Then I used my nail to slit the tape.
“You open presents like Beau drives,” Nolan pointed out.
“I want to save everything,” I explained. “I’m not going to lose my stuff anymore so I can keep this forever and remember.”
“Vivi.”
I looked over at him and was shocked by what I saw. “Are you going to cry?”
“No.” But he moved to sit next to me and I wasn’t able to open the box, because he hugged me. “I’m going to give you a lot of presents. I’m going to give you every present you ever wanted.”
“I don’t need anything,” I said. “You’ve already given me so much!”
“The bare minimum. I gave you a warm place to live with enough to eat, where you don’t have to be afraid when you hear someone at the door. You should have a lot more than that.” He let go but stayed close to me. “Open it.”
I took off the lid of the box and found another one inside. That was a little leather case which I flipped open. “What is this?” I asked, awed.
“They’re earrings. The green stones are emeralds. You had told me about a green ring you used to have and I hoped these might remind you of that.”
I tried not to whistle. “No, these are much, much more! They’re beautiful!”
“I thought they would be pretty with your hair, especially when you wear your braids.”
My hands shook as I put them on. “I love them. Thank you, Nolan.”
“You’re welcome. I wanted you to enjoy this day.”
“That’s what I wanted for you, too. I want you to enjoy every day,” I told him. Then I posed a question that we had asked each other a few months ago. “Would you say that you’re happy?” Before, he had answered that he was working on it. I had been doing that, too, although I hadn’t realized it.
“I would say that I’m very happy,” he answered. “This is the first time in my life that I’ve looked at the future as something I’m excited about. I would also say, thank you.”
“And I would say—”
But what I would have said got lost, because he was holding me so tightly. I would have said that I was like Cadence, but not that I wanted sex (not only sex). I wanted more.