Chapter 37
Liz, December 29
I’m completely unfocused on the grocery shopping I’m supposed to be doing right now. I have wandered aimlessly through the snack aisle and the soda aisle, and then I felt guilty so I wandered through the produce section and the natural food section. I really am just thinking about Matt and how I can fix this relationship. His Christmas present is still wrapped up sitting under my sad little tabletop tree. I literally have not seen him for three weeks; he’s been so busy at work. He keeps blaming it on the “busy season” but it’s been like that since I started dating him.
I sent him a text message this morning, but that was hours ago and he has yet to answer me. Since I finished with work today I’ve probably checked my phone 12 times. Now I’m killing time by wandering through the grocery store. I throw a bag of candy in the cart and move to the next aisle. Check my phone again. Nothing.
For a fleeting second, I think about Ben. I imagine how easy it was to be around him, how I could just be myself without feeling like I had to perform or fix everything. That thought makes me tighten my grip on the cart handle, almost like a small pang of guilt, but I push it aside. This is Matt’s life, his chaos, his world. I have to fix it.
Feminine hygiene products. Do I need these? Let’s see, I’m pretty regular usually. I remember we went to his office party for Halloween and I had just finished with my “friend” then. So I should’ve had another visit at the end of the month, which would mean another one is coming soon and I would need more products. But that’s strange, I can’t remember having a cycle in November. Huh, weird.
I grab my phone and whip open the calendar. I’m pretty good about remembering to mark the calendar with a little “p” when I start my monthly cycle so I can track that. There it is, October 23 marked with a little “p.” No markings in November. Shit, that can’t be right. I check again. Nope, no markings in November. Shit.
I spin around and grab a box of 3 pregnancy tests off the shelf behind me, praying that just this once I simply forgot to mark the calendar. Shit.