Chapter 39
Liz, January 14
There has to be some way to tell him, I think. “Hey, Matt, as it turns out we’re going to have a little family.” Nope, that doesn’t feel right. “Matt, you knocked me up.” Nope, too crude. “Matt, I’m pregnant.” Too unemotional. “Matt, you bastard, you planted a fetus in my uterus.” Nope, too scientific.
Maybe if I had a friend or someone to talk to this would be easier. I could call some friend up on the phone and pour my heart out. Then together we could come up with some amazing way to tell Matt he’s gonna be a Daddy. But there’s no one I really talk to about my life. Not really. I tried calling my Mom, but I chickened out before I told her. I could just imagine her first question would be “so when are you getting married” and I just wasn’t ready to go there.
Even if I could talk to someone, would it help? I feel so… small. Like I have to shrink myself just to make him comfortable, just to keep him happy. That’s not me. Not the real me. I can feel it even more now, in the pit of my stomach.
A flicker of the old me rises when I roll my eyes at my own thoughts. I can almost hear myself laughing at the ridiculousness of rehearsing lines in my head like I’m some character in a terrible soap opera. I bite my lip, just for a second, to keep the chuckle inside.
Oh my god, what is Matt going to say when I tell him? How did this happen? Okay, obviously I know how this happened. I mean, I paid attention in Science class; I even had to teach it once. But in the grand scheme of things… why did this happen?
A tiny, defiant part of me wonders if I should just drop all pretenses and speak my mind as I always have, wild and unfiltered. I imagine yelling “holy shit, Matt, look what we’ve done!” and laughing at his stunned face. I suppress it, of course, because being myself here doesn’t feel safe. But the idea makes me smile, just a little, and my chest feels lighter for a fleeting second.