Chapter 53
Liz, April 1
You know what’s funny about hitting rock bottom? Everything feels like an upgrade after you’ve been there. I thought leaving Matt was my rock bottom, and in some ways, it was. But leaving him also made it clear that I could do this. I could make decisions for myself and follow through. He didn’t stop me from sleeping in a hotel for five nights, signing a lease on a tiny apartment, or showing up with a rental truck and moving my big stuff in one load. I think part of me wanted him to fight for me, but that ship has sailed.
The first few nights were brutal. I was utterly alone for the first time in my life. In college I’d had roommates, then there was Ben, then Matt. But now it was just me. And that was okay. Being alone forced me to confront things I’d been avoiding. I realized I like puzzles. Like really like them. Logic puzzles, Sudoku, jigsaws, crosswords—I like the way solving them gives me clarity. I like mystery and crime shows, too, and I yell at the screen when I figure out the culprit before the characters. I’m learning what excites me, what keeps me engaged, what makes me feel alive.
I’ve also discovered that knowing who I am makes me more approachable. I’ve made fast friends with a few women from work, especially Amy, who has this laugh that makes me forget everything else for a while. And the best part? I don’t feel guilty anymore. If I tell someone I’m not interested in going out or that I’m heading home to work on a puzzle, they understand. I’m learning that my choices don’t need justification. I’m allowed to prioritize myself.
Even the pregnancy, which once felt like a cage, has become part of my self-discovery. I bought myself some maternity clothes, not because I have to, but because I want to embrace this stage of life on my own terms. I’m not hiding from it anymore. I’m living it.
Looking back, it’s funny how many times I thought I was happy until I truly was. Happiness isn’t a moment someone hands you, it’s the result of choices you make for yourself. And right now, I’m finally making those choices. I’m finally happy.