Chapter 55
Liz, April 14
Ashley from work is getting married. I actually thought this would be hard for me, to sit through an engagement party with a smile. It’s not at all. This party isn’t about me and I’m perfectly aware of that. The new me is very social, it’s fantastic. Amy and I are sitting in a circle of guests watching Ashley open engagement gifts. Someone asks, “How did you know he was the one?” Ashley’s face just lights up. I notice it, it’s beautiful. I’m so happy for her.
“You know when I noticed?” she asks. Everyone nods, including me. I genuinely want to know. “I was really upset about something a student did one day…” Ashley teaches students with anger management issues, I should probably mention that. “…and when he saw how upset I was, he instantly comforted me. He knew exactly when to hug me, when to make me laugh, and when to get me a glass of wine. I realized right then and there that any man who knew me that well, better than I even knew myself, was the man I should marry.” The entire room oohs and aahs at the story.
I smile at Amy.
“What are you smiling at?” she asks.
“Nothing, I just realized something,” I tell her. My mind flits for a moment to someone who once asked me to look at life clearly, to trust my own instincts. Ben. Not in longing, just in quiet acknowledgment of how he shaped me to recognize what I actually wanted.
“Yeah, what’s that?” she asks.
“That I can feel proud of my own choices,” I say, and I do. That sense of clarity is mine now. My confidence, my instincts, they aren’t borrowed from anyone else.
“I think I have to go somewhere, tell Ash I said congratulations.” I’m already on my phone before Amy can even respond; if I don’t find a way to go now I will never go. Even as I step away, I feel the echo of past guidance in the back of my mind, subtle but steady, like a faint hand on my shoulder telling me I can trust myself.