38. Lex
Our last morning in Paris dawns bleak and gray, matching my mood. Ugh, it’s way too early to be this maudlin. Pushing the dark thoughts away, I sit up and scrub my hands over my face. My phone pings with an incoming text.
Roo: don’t miss your flight
Cass: ?? girl, she took the jet
Roo: so? It has a flight plan
Me: I’m up, ladies, thank you
Me: Enjoying your Friday night?
Cass: i talked roo into going out!!
Roo: it’s not a big deal
Cass: she’s in a dress!!!!
Cass sends a photo next, of Ruby in a little black dress, her expression droll. I giggle. She looks gorgeous and exasperated, exactly what I expect for a night out without me, her typical buffer for Cass’s enthusiasm.
Cass: she’s having fun, i promise
Me: looks it
Roo: cass insists i tell you that i am, indeed, enjoying myself
Me: Very convincing, Roo. Well done
Roo: enough about me. Have you talked to them?
I slide out from under the covers and pad over to the ensuite bathroom. The space feels cavernous and empty without Linc, Shane, and Declan. They’d surrounded me in their warmth the night before the Summit, waking me up the next morning with languid touches and long kisses. It had felt like a taste of something forbidden and elusive, which could only exist in the bubble of the Paris we’d claimed for ourselves.
After Declan shattered my defenses and laid me bare the night before, he’d slipped away to wash up while Shane bundled me into the shower. Linc had wandered into the room with a wolfish smile, offering to keep me up with orgasms all night so we didn’t break any rules. Shane came to my rescue, shooing him out and placing a chaste kiss on my brow. As he’d left, guilt twisted my gut. I could barely sleep, the flash of hurt in Linc’s eyes before he laughed it off replaying on a loop in my head.
I regret it fiercely while sheer terror over the implications of my regret grips me.
Cass: uh oh
Cass: she didn’t
Roo: Lex.
Staring at my phone, I sigh. I splash water onto my face, trying to wash away the feeling of loss I can’t shake.
Me: We go back to reality today
Me: Time’s up
Roo: do you want it to be?
I can’t answer her. Okay, I can, but I don’t want to. Admitting it out loud, or in text, is too much.
Me: I don’t know how to handle the alternative
Cass: oh, lexi
I send a thumbs down reaction. That fucking nickname is going to haunt me forever.
Roo: you’re capable of a long-term relationship, lex
Roo: a healthy one, even
Roo: promise
Exhaling a slow, shuddering breath, I lock my phone and turn it face down on the counter. As much as I value Ruby’s insights–and fear her preternatural powers of deduction–I’m too raw to process her message.
Seeing my father the night before took more out of me than I thought it would. Shane had praised me when we’d gotten back to the hotel, had kissed me all over as he whispered sweet nothings about my strength and power. In his hands, naked and kneeling, I’d felt it.
In front of my father as he’d done his best to reduce me to nothing, I’d felt anything but. All the therapy in the world couldn’t eliminate the last remnants of the little girl who desperately sought her father’s approval. When I was small, I thought Reginald Nicholas Livingston hung the moon, sun, and stars, all for me. As a grown woman, I know the only thing he’s ever given me is my name.
“Alexandra Regina Livingston,” I murmur, staring at myself in the mirror. “Look how far you’ve come.”
Even though he refused me as his heir, shunned me from his business, my father had still saddled me with an ode to himself. As a young entrepreneur, I’d abhorred him and the injustice of his actions, his misogynistic preference for my younger brother. After years of forging my own path, I felt neutral about him more often than not, but I’d be a lying fool if I claimed his words and actions had no impact.
Long-term relationships lead to families, and–in my experience–families are nothing more than inescapable pain and disappointment. I don’t want more of that hurt, and I can’t imagine subjecting Linc, Shane, or Declan to it, either.
Discarding the dour thoughts, I flip on the shower. I have a few hours to get ready and check my email, perhaps make myself a coffee, before I bundle the guys and our luggage into a car.
As I step under the warm spray, I resolve to keep my insecurities to myself. The three men in my suite have an incredibly bright future ahead of them, and a long, busy road to get there. Today marks the first day of a new chapter for Solum, and for them. I won’t let myself sully it.
“Man, Lex, you’ve ruined me.”
I glance over at Linc in surprise, a smile crossing my lips in response to his ready grin. “Do tell.”
He spreads his arms wide, settling back into the plush leather seat. “This jet is ridiculous. Flying commercial will feel like torture now.”
“Hm. I might have a few ideas on how to solve that problem.”
“Solum will never have a private jet,” Declan interjects. “Commercial is better for the environment.”
His eyes meet mine across the small table between us, his brows drawn. He’s been brooding all morning, stealing glances at me without saying a word.
“Air travel in general isn’t very eco-friendly,” Shane points out.
As Declan opens his mouth to launch into what will, no doubt, be a spirited debate, I raise my hand. “As much as I’d love to hear your opinions on the matter, we have some business-related topics we should cover. Our opportunities to discuss them as a full group will be…limited, moving forward.”
I suddenly have three pairs of eyes on me. Linc’s warm amber ones are reserved, almost anxious. Reaching out, I squeeze his hand briefly in mine.
“When we get back, I’ll have a formal handoff meeting with Parker to bring him up to speed. As we discussed back in February, he’ll handle your account moving forward.”
“We’ll still see you, though,” Linc insists. “At Athena, and…around.”
“Of course you will.” I swallow, choosing my next words carefully. “I hope you’ll stop by when you come to the office to meet with Parker.”
Linc blinks and looks down. Across the table, Declan’s scowl is deepening by the minute. Shane is silent and stoic beside me, though I can feel his piercing blue gaze boring twin holes in the side of my skull.
“I know you all know this, but the Summit was a resounding success. It couldn’t have gone better, from my perspective.” I glance at each of them, smiling encouragingly. “How are you feeling?”
Linc glances at Declan, then Shane. His Adam’s apple bobs before he speaks up.
“It was amazing, Lex. I mean, not only did Declan kill it on stage,” he says as he leans over to bump his shoulder to his brother’s, but Declan’s stony gaze doesn’t leave my face, “but we also made so many incredible connections. Thanks to you.”
“Thank you.” Shane reaches over to grip my thigh gently. “None of this would’ve happened without you.”
Their gratitude will be the death of me. “No, guys, don’t you see? I was just your…emotional support investor.”
Linc laughs, the sound buoying my mood despite Declan’s glower.
“Seriously,” I continue. “You are responsible for your success. Athena may have provided a catalyst, but the three of you are the ones who got Solum onto that stage and made the most of the opportunity.” Deciding to confront the bull head on, I turn to Declan. “Did you have anyone approach you about sales?”
He glares at me long enough for Linc to fidget. I wait him out. Don’t play this game with me, Wilde. You can’t win.
“Honestly, Lex, I don’t want to talk about sales at the moment,” he rasps.
My eyebrows rise. Shane rubs a hand over his forehead in the most overt expression of frustration I’ve seen from him.
“Tell me something. How can what happened last night not be the only thing on your mind? You trembled naked, nearly sobbing, in my arms for twenty minutes, and you want to talk about handing us off to Parker?”
I glance around the table, fighting the urge to worry my lower lip with my teeth. I haven’t done that since undergrad, for fuck’s sake. The tension around the table is palpable, Linc and Shane both eyeing Declan with a mixture of concern and wariness. Clearing my throat, I decide to deflect. For now.
“Declan, I’m not sure where your frustration is coming from. This conversation is just another business meeting. What we do in our personal time–”
“What we do in our personal time?” He sits back, expression incredulous. “Are you kidding me? We spend a fucking day and two nights like that, and it’s just business as usual? You’re handing us off to Parker and that’s it.”
“If you want to have a conversation about what’s between us–”
“What is between us, Lex, huh?” Declan presses, eyes wild as he leans across the table.
Linc and Shane look at each other, but I keep my gaze on the visibly angry man across from me.
“This is neither the time nor place to have that discussion.” My tone is cool, firm. I can barely breathe past the lump in my throat and tightness in my chest, but I lock it the fuck down.
“Why do you get to decide that? There’s three of us–”
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on right now, Declan, but keep me out of it,” Linc protests, throwing both hands up in surrender. “You do not speak for me. I agree with Lex; this isn’t the time or place.”
Declan’s jaw clenches as he turns wide eyes to his brother. “You’re kidding.”
“I’m not.”
“Dec, take a beat.” Shane’s deep voice carries a hint of command.
“I am not your sub.” Declan levels a finger at his friend before turning back to me. “Though maybe that’s what I need to do, hm?”
He cocks his head to the side, expression harsh. Discomfort writhes in my gut, a frisson of fear for what he’s planning tripping down my spine. For the first time since I started things with Linc, I’m nervous about what will happen next.
“Will you only give us the time of day when we’re making you come? Do I have to threaten you with punishment to get what I want?” Declan’s voice is dripping in sarcasm, his words ugly and cold.
I can’t look away from him, emotion gathering hot and wet in my throat. My lips part on a tentative breath as Declan continues, Shane rigid beside me.
“How many spankings will it take to get you to change the subject and talk about ‘what’s between us’?” He throws up air quotes as he speaks.
“Declan–” My voice is hoarse, thready.
Linc’s eyes fly to mine, his hand shooting out toward me. His face crumples when I draw away. I’m desperate for his touch, his comfort, but I know I’ll fall apart if I give in to him.
“Or is it just about the business now? You had your fun for the last three months, but hey! Time’s up. You have rules, right?”
“Dec, stop,” Linc snaps, eyes on me.
“No. Do I need to get you naked and kneeling, baby?” Declan spits the pet name out like a curse, and I flinch.
“That’s enough.” Shane surges to his feet, tension racking his body as he leans over the table.
“Please,” I gasp.
My blood is rushing in my ears so hard I don’t know what I sound like, but it makes an impression. All three of them freeze, turning to me in unison. I lift my eyes from the table, taking in Linc’s haunted expression as I do. Shane is a vague shape to my left, body still strung taut. Declan’s brow falls, his lips tugging into a frown as his mouth opens, then closes.
“To borrow Shane’s phrase, I think we all need to take a beat.” My voice sounds hollow, tinny. I don’t sound like me.
It’s as though I’m watching the scene happen from the sidelines. I rise slowly, Linc and Declan scrambling to their feet as I step out of my seat and turn to address them all with a detached look.
“Thank you for this week, gentlemen, I…I don’t have the words to express what it meant to me.”
“Lex…” Linc looks like he wants to reach for me again.
I can’t decide if I’m pleased or devastated when he restrains himself.
“I meant it when I said you and Solum have a bright future. I’m proud Athena will be part of it.”
“Lex, I didn’t–” Declan starts, his eyes filling with regret.
“Doesn’t matter, Declan.” The thinnest smile crosses my lips. “It’s clear nothing productive can come of this conversation. I’ll go back to the bedroom so you all can have some privacy. We’ll connect soon when we’re back in the Bay, I’m sure.”
I’m trembling when I turn and walk away. My body sways, my hip catching the seat behind Linc’s as I shakily make my way toward the back of the plane. I can feel someone’s eyes burning into me as I go, maybe all of them, but something tells me it’s Shane. He’d been too silent, too still. Oh god, what happens now?
Shoving the thought from my mind, I slip into the small bedroom and slide the door closed, locking it gently. The soft click feels final somehow, as though I’m closing the door on something more than just a room. As I sag against the door, a soft sob works its way up my throat.
Holding my phone unsteadily, I pull up the messages app.
Me: everything’s fucked
The reply is quick. Thank god. They must still be out.
Roo: whatever happened, it’s not
Cass: we’ll meet you at the airport
Me: bring wine
Me: maybe vodka
Cass: oh shit
Roo: Lex, nothing is fucked
Roo: deep breaths, yeah?
Roo: you’re safe
Cass: you are safe, yes?
Declan’s angry scowl and bitter words fill my head, the memory of my fear a sour taste in the back of my throat. I’m not scared for my safety, though.
Me: i’m safe
The tears rush faster, my vision blurring as I continue to type.
Me: they’re not
Cass: what?
Me: cuz of me
Me: i’m breaking them
Me: i don’t want to
Cass: oh, honey
Roo: you haven’t broken shit, lex
Me: i hope you’re right
I’ll give anything for her to be right.