Chapter 12
Winny
Turns out, the hot fantasy of being in control turns tepid as we step into Gillian's bedroom. She turns to face me, hands resting light on my shoulders as she gazes up at me and tugs me gently toward her bed.
I want her more than I've wanted anyone in ages, so why the hell am I standing here paralyzed by the weight of the trust in her eyes? Her nervous smile is fading to something wounded with every breath of silence that passes, the vibrant teal around her eyes wilts to a sickly shade of yellow-green. Her shoulders slump and she hugs her arms around herself, as if she’s trying to shrink into her surroundings and disappear.
Gillian’s reaction to my hesitation unfreezes me. I don't have to get everything perfect, but standing here like a lump is a choice too and that's clearly the wrong one. I cup her cheek in my palm.
"What's this lime color mean, treasure?" I ask, even though that's far from the most pressing matter. I want to reassure her that I'm not changing my mind or rejecting her, just figuring out how to navigate what it means to take on a role I'm not entirely sure fits.
"Um, worry?" Gillian's eyes dart away from my face as they tinge with orange. I think that was her embarrassed color before…but this isn't the time to get into octopus color theory. "You don't have to do that. Any of this."
"Do what?" I ask, cocking my head to the side, as if a different angle might reveal how her words make sense.
"Pretend you want to learn to interpret my chromatophores. Or go through with fucking me if you're having second thoughts." Gillian gestures toward her face and then the room in general.
Ah, well that shade of red looks good on her, and it puts fire in her words. She’s no longer hugging herself, shrinking to accommodate me. Good.
"No second thoughts, treasure," I step closer.
She huffs and looks pointedly away. "Not about us.
Only about me. I'm not…being the one who takes charge isn't something that comes naturally for me.
I mean, maybe it did for a version of me that never learned how badly making the wrong judgment call can go. "
"What does that have to do with staring at me like you've never been with another omega all of a sudden?
Cause earlier you didn't have any trouble kissing me breathless in public.
There's only one thing I can think of that's changed.
" She wilts at that and I hate that I made her doubt herself, especially right after she shared something so deeply personal.
"What's changed is that I'm not high on disinhibiting heat pheromones," I say, stepping closer to her.
"Really?" Gillian gives me an assessing look. "So, it's not that you're weirded out about me being trans?"
"Nope. I'm bi, but I prefer to date omegas of any primary gender, so it's only relevant in the sense that I care about every aspect of who you are." I feel awkward trying to put that into words, but if she's doubting something that basic, then we have more to clarify.
"So what is it then?" Gillian twirls a lock of her gorgeous long hair around her fingers.
I bite back a smile and wonder if she realizes how much the gesture evokes her inner octopus and the way her tentacles coiled around every object she touched on our video chat the other night.
It's adorable and I want her to coil around me like that.
I finger-comb my hair, fully aware of how the self-preening gesture calms me and my inner raven alike.
I have no room to tease Gillian about the other side of her nature leaking into her mannerisms. I take a deep breath and hope being vulnerable doesn't make her question the foundations of what she said she wants from me. "Truth?"
"Always." Gillian inches closer.
I sigh and tug at the hair at my nape with both hands.
"Look, I know we talked about consent and power exchange and all of that before.
But I just…it feels different in person than over a screen.
In person, you can't just hang up on me if I ask for too much.
And earlier, if Harvey hadn't interrupted us I don't know how far I'd have pushed you and that scares me now that we're standing here and it feels more real.”
“Okay? Because we were in public?” Gillian frowns.
“Partly. And partly because I don’t like the idea of missing a boundary.
And I know part of what you're attracted to is confidence so, I'm not sure how to strike a balance between being assertive and taking charge in the bedroom while also being sure you'll tell me if I cross any lines or get things wrong.
Especially knowing your past, if you've got trauma triggers I might miss.
You don't have to share more than you're ready to, ever.
Just, if I hurt you in any way, I need to know you'll tell me.”
“I’ll tell you.” Gillian reaches for me. I give up messing with my hair to take her hands.
“And um, that goes both ways. I should have been clearer about my physical limits before.
I love the way you were clinging to me earlier, but I also need you to be gentle with my shoulder when you hold me.
" I rub the aching joint in question for emphasis.
"Naked, the scars from my surgeries make it pretty obvious which is my bad side, so hopefully that helps?
And today's a not great pain day, so, gentle.
If anything else comes up, I'll let you know. "
“I’ll be gentle.” Gillian nods. "You want us to use safewords, right? Basically a big red end call equivalent in case stuff goes sideways?"
"That. And I want to know you'll use them."
"I will," Gillian says, leaning in closer.
"Yeah?" I ask, mirroring her posture.
"Yep. You know why, my fierce dragon?"
"Why?"
"I'm not scared of you. I like you and I want to do what you say because it turns us both on. You said it yourself, dragons protect their treasures."
"We do." I smirk as I crowd into her space to wrap her in my arms, then whisper close to her ear, "So do ravens."
"Well then, dragon mine, if that's settled, claim me." Gillian kisses my cheek, her arms looped around my neck, she tugs me gently toward her bed.
With the way she reflexively wraps her fingers around mine every time I offer her my hand, it's obvious how much she associates physical closeness with connection.
She makes it easy to read that clinging to her like this is how she wants me to touch her, so I don't pull away from her as we sidle toward her bed, bodies tantalizingly close.
The way she's staring at my lips now, her face tipped up toward mine makes my next move just as obvious.
I kiss her, tender and intense in the opposite way of how our earlier kiss felt.
I could get lost in her sweet kisses, her soft lips, the way her fingers curl around mine as she pulls me flush with her body. Her sweater is as soft as it looks when I run my hands down her back to press her closer. I splay my hand against the small of her back and roll my hips into her.
"Stop," she gasps, breaking off our kiss even as she arches against me.
I pull back like she plucked a flight feather, it's like a bucket of ice water over the simmering embers of that kiss as I search her face for any sign of distress. "What's wrong?"
Gillian grins at me. "See? Now you know I can ask you to stop and I know you'll listen when I do."
"Huh?" I shake my head to clear it as my racing pulse slows and worry that I did something wrong curdles into irritation.
Is she playing games with me? Making light?
I take a deep breath and examine the care on her face as she watches me.
Gauging how I control my response? So, not games.
Exactly what she said, proof for both of us that we can navigate the line between willingly handing over control and taking what isn’t being offered.
I give myself a shake, like fixing my feathers after telling off a flock-mate for preening a sensitive spot too roughly.
Now I'm feeling awkward again. I can't just pull her into my arms and ignore that she chose that minute for a break check.
But I really want to keep kissing her and she's looking at me like she's hoping I will.
Gillian’s chromatophores are the same lavender shade she turned when she was begging for permission to come last night on the phone. Ugh. It's hard to think when I'm this horny.
"So, was that just a test, or did you have another reason for slowing things down?" I ask.
"Um, a little bit proving to myself that speaking up doesn't have to ruin the vibe," Gillian chuckles self-consciously, "So maybe coulda done better on that? Wait instead of stop next time? Sorry, I knew you'd listen, but I didn't expect you to act like I inked in your face."
I laugh at the analogy and she joins in. "Wait would be good for a pause to check in next time, yeah. Or we could do stoplight colors? And then once I can read your chromatophores better, if you can control them enough we can use your visible colors when your mouth is full."
Gillian shivers. "I'd like that. And I normally don’t control them, but if we need nonverbal safecolors, red is easy enough to feign anger."
"Good. So, you were testing us a little and what else?" I ask.
Gillian looks sheepish as she admits, "I really want to hold you with all of my arms but even the softest wool isn't super comfy on octopus skin and if I shift in this outfit I'm probably going to ruin the sweater."
"Oh." I smile, letting a little mischief into it. "You want permission to undress, princess?"
"Yes, please."
"Hmm. Such pretty manners, like a proper princess." I make a show of pretending to consider the idea. Gillian squirms as I undress her with my eyes. "I don't know. I like the way you look all dressed up for our first date. You took your time picking this outfit, didn't you, treasure?"