Birdie
Iturned the phone over in my hand, the breeze already warm for the early morning spring day.
I’d been home—at the ranch—for the last week.
No news from work. No news from Colt. Beau was doing his best to take as much time to be with the two of us as possible, but guilt was eating away at me knowing he was staying close to make sure I felt safe.
While Beau gave Juniper her morning bottle, I slipped out of the house and found myself a cozy spot on the porch swing.
It was good for the two of them to have time together; he’d grown into his role as her father so seamlessly.
I knew he could do it, but damn. Seeing him hug her to his chest at three in the morning, his sleep shorts riding low across his hips and his hair falling all over the place disheveled… it was doing a number on my ovaries.
I've been feeling more and more restless. This itch under my skin since that man…Ugh. Beau was doing the most amazing job of taking care of me, but the texts from my mother were not stopping, and there was still the little girl inside of me that wanted her mom’s comfort.
I just needed her to tell me everything was going to be okay.
Is now an okay time to call?
My message sat—unread—as I sipped my tea. It was getting easier to use my right hand again, but there was this weird ache that sat against my chest whenever the dull pain flared.
My phone vibrated on my lap, and I set my cup up on the railing to check what had just come in.
Mom: I’m just coming out of an Ayurvedic sunrise massage. Let me slip into a robe and I’ll give you a call.
Ayurvedic sunrise massage? That didn’t sound very Napa.
But what did I know? I’d never been more than an hour or two away from Silver Springs.
Meanwhile, as soon as I was old enough to take care of Lainey, my mother took off for weeks-long trips with men she’d just met and ‘felt a deep connection with’.
My phone rang, anticipation of what Mom was going to say sitting sour in my stomach.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Birdie! It’s about damn time you got a hold of me! My God, I’ve been worried sick. Are you working today? Did you just get off your shift?” There wasn’t a single ounce of worry in my mother’s tone, but she’d said the words. She’d set the guilt off, leaving it to sit in my chest.
“No. It’s not all that early in Silver Springs. I’m just having tea on the porch.”
“Well, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for days!”
“I know. I’m sorry, things here have just been…” I released my breath. “Anyway, we haven’t talked in a while, and I missed hearing your voice.”
“Oh, good! I thought something was really wrong…” Mom’s voice trailed off. “No, no, Dallin. I’ll be right there. I’m just ordering us some room service.”
Classic Annie Calloway. Whoever this Dallin was probably didn’t even know she had a family. It wouldn’t be the first time I accidentally popped in and ruined the child-free illusion for her.
“Are you still in Napa?” I asked.
“What? Oh, no. God, no. What a boring town. I’m in Arizona now, I’ll send you the information on the place I’m staying later. It’s amazing, Birdie. I’m working on healing my soul. You and Lainey could do a sisters’ trip out here sometime.”
With what money? “That’s great.”
“It really has been. You know, I’ve only been trying to get a hold of you for the last two weeks because I’ve noticed that there hasn’t been any money deposited in my account. Is everything okay?”
I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. “Yeah, Mom. Lainey just needed some help, and that made things tight for a little while.”
“Okay, yes, yes, baby, I’m coming!” Again, her voice had turned away from the phone before growing louder as she brought the phone back to her mouth to talk to me. “I have to go, but text me when you make another deposit so I can plan my trip home to see you and your sister. Okay?”
“Yeah.” I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice. I was just an ATM for her. And Lainey, too, it seemed.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, clearly hearing it anyway.
“Nothing. I just…it’s just been a rough couple of weeks. I had a scary thing happen at work and got hurt, and then Beau—”
“Are you going to sue them? Birdie, that could be life-changing money!”
Right. Life-changing money for her to tap into. Because if she could squeeze something more from me, she would. “I’m fine, Mom. Thanks for asking.”
“Well, honestly, of course you are fine. You’re talking to me on the phone.”
I nodded, numbness washing over me. “There’s nothing to sue over. Like you said, obviously I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later. Go be with Dallin. Wouldn’t want you to keep him waiting.”
“Don’t sass me, Bernadette. I just want to make sure you are thinking clearly.”
“I am thinking clearly. Very clearly. You couldn’t have cared less about why I was calling beyond wanting money from me.
I can’t do this anymore, Mom. I can’t be the one always responsible.
I needed you to care that I was hurt. It wasn’t just at work!
Someone came into my house. They tried…” My voice caught and I cleared my throat.
“They hurt me. But how can I expect you to care about that when you were the first person to hurt me and not give a damn?”
“Stop being so goddamn dramatic. How dare you speak to me like that? I don’t care how badly you are hurting, you do not disrespect me like that. I am your mother—”
“You stopped being my mother the moment you left me home with Lainey for two weeks to run off with Stu from the used car lot in Bell Ridge.”
“You were old enough to babysit your sister.”
“I was twelve! And it wasn’t just babysitting.
She was four-years-old!” I hissed into the phone.
There was no point in arguing any more. I was done.
“You know what, Mom? All I’ve ever wanted, all I’ve ever hoped for, is that you would come back and love me the way I love you.
But that’s not going to h-happen.” Shit.
I hated the tears that were burning my face.
“Birdie. This conversation is over. Call me when you’re a little less hysterical.”
The line went silent. She’d hung up on me.
And I lost it. I pulled my legs up onto the seat, wrapping my arms around my knees as I buried my face into the small space created between my legs and my chest.
I didn’t make a sound. The last thing I wanted was for Beau to hear me.
“Oh, honey.”
My head lifted off my legs as Dolly walked up the porch steps towards me.
“Sorry,” I whispered, wiping at the tears that just wouldn’t stop falling.
I hadn’t cried that hard when I was attacked.
When Beau lifted me from the ground, or when he held me close to his heart and walked with me, broken and bruised into the hospital.
But my mom…her dismissal of what happened to me was a pain so deep, I couldn’t reconcile it.
“Don’t you dare apologize to me. I’ve been pissed at your mama since you were six-years-old.
Some people aren’t meant for motherhood, Birdie, but you were always worthy of a mama who loved you.
I hope you know that. You are so important to me.
So loved, beyond words, baby. The way you show up for our family, for my son.
For his daughter. She’s going to grow up knowing you were always meant to be a mama, and what a gift that is for her after everything that’s happened. ”
I cringed, hating that she’d overheard what I’d said. “Dolly—”
“I don’t want any of that ‘Dolly’ stuff anymore, you hear? I’m going to tell you something I was too afraid to say all these years, because I didn’t want anyone thinking I was stepping somewhere I shouldn’t. Are you ready to listen?”
I nodded.
“I can’t wait for the day when Beau finally makes you a Ford.
When you’ll legally be my daughter and have the name you were always meant to have.
But none of that really matters when things boil down, because in my heart, you’ve always been mine to love.
And I hope you know I do. I’d be forever blessed for you to call me ‘Mama’, and only ‘Mama’, like the rest of the knuckleheads around here do. ”
My eyes watered, more tears pouring down my cheeks and chin.
Only these weren’t the heartbroken, hopeless, desperate to be loved tears I’d cried my whole life.
They were thankful tears. Tears that held love for the woman who had always been there to cheer me on when my own mother couldn’t find the time.
“What if things don’t work out? What if Beau doesn’t want me forever? ”
“Honey, I’ve seen the way my son has looked at you for thirty years. He’s finally gotten his head on straight. But if he does something dumb, then we’re keeping you and he can sleep with the horses.”
Her fingers wiped the tears off my cheeks before they swept my hair over my shoulder. The screen door opened, and I heard Beau’s cowboy boots hit the old wood planks as he walked towards us.
“Who’s sleeping with the horses—What’s going on? Why are you crying?”
Dolly squeezed my shoulder, standing up to take Juniper from Beau.
“Come on, sweet pea. How about you come up to Grammy’s house for a while?”
Beau looked between his mother and me. “Are you sure?”
“Good lord, of course I am. Just pop over whenever you want her back, or call me if you want me to bring her back over in the morning.”
“You don’t have to take her all day, Ma.” I smiled, using the name I’d longed to say over the years. “I just need a minute.”
Dolly looked back at me with a blinding smile.
“Nonsense. I’ve got a date in the garden, and Beau used to love being in his playpen when I’d be digging in the dirt.
I bet Juniper is just like her daddy. A big ol’ sun baby…
isn’t that right?” Her fingers brushed gently over Juniper’s cheek, our girl giving her grandmother a gummy smile.
“Oh, what a beauty you are. Yes. We are going to have lots of fun today.”