Chapter Six
By the time Chief D was aware of his surroundings, it was too late to ask for cheese and beer, because he and his bruders were sitting at a table spooning lumpy liquid into their mouths that the woodland gnomes called porridge. He’d no idea how much time had passed. He thought he’d fallen asleep. Maybe he was still sleeping and this was a dream, though the porridge tasted real, kind of like dirt and butter.
Chieftain Saggycrack held up his spoon, porridge dripping down his beard. “You like?”
Chief D scratched the back of his head, trying to remember what they were talking about. He gave his bruders a look, but they gave him confused looks back before shoveling porridge into their faces.
“We like smoke,” he finally answered. “It would go good with cheese and beer.”
The woodland chieftain frowned. “You no like porridge?”
Chief D shrugged, not wanting to insult their hosts. “It okay.”
“You got phone to watch Enchantress?” Bruder Sixfingers asked.
Chieftain Saggycrack looked at him as if he’d grown another six fingers. “The woodland gnomes no have phones.”
The bruders of tribe Fungi-Toes froze, gaping at their host.
“How do you watch Enchantress?” Bruder Bumblenose blurted.
The woodland chieftain set down his spoon, folding his hands in front of him. “We don’t.”
“What you do all day?” Bruder Gobbleneck asked.
“Forage berries,” Chieftain Saggycrack said as he wiped his mouth with a cloth napkin, “smoke herb, and make whoopie with nannies.”
“Sound boring,” the Fungi-Toes bruders said in unison.
Chief D froze when the woodland chieftain gave them an angry look. Maybe they were being rude, but these gnomes were strange. They smoked weird stuff that made them see other colors and ate mushy porridge, plus they didn’t drink beer, eat cheese, or watch the Enchantress. Their lives were definitely boring.
They gave a start at a commotion and jumped up when a group of nannies heaved the shaky weewee onto a nearby table. When they started lighting candles, rubbing on the weewee, and chanting strange words, Chief D feared they would soon straddle it and ride it until they fell off with stiff goat legs.
Chief D wildly waved his arms. “What you doing?”
One of the nannies with dirt brown hair tied back in two long braids climbed on top of the weewee, straddling it like a witch riding a broom. “We freeing dryad.”
He shook his head to clear the fog from the strange smoke. “You no ride shaky weewee?”
She tossed back her head with a laugh. “We no need it, dummies. We ride our bucks.”
The weewee began to vibrate and hum, its lights flaring as it bounced around while the nanny held onto the sides. She continued to rub the shaky weewee and chant until the dryad spirit sprung free of its silicone shell and disappeared into the tree walls with a cry of relief. The weewee stopped shaking as its light dimmed. They’d done it! They’d freed the dryad!
Bruder Gobbleneck looked at them with raised, bushy brows. “How come our nannies not like tribe Crusty-Nose nannies?”
“Maybe because them bucks spend more time with them,” Bruder Bumblenose said.
Chief D gave them an accusatory look. “What you saying?”
Bruder Bumblenose held out his hands. “We stop watching Enchantress and make more whoopie with nannies.”
Chief D hissed like an angry cat. “Now you gone cuckoo head.”
When Bruder Sixfingers elbowed him in the side, he spun on him with a snarl. “What is it?”
Bruder Sixfingers motioned toward the growing crowd of woodland gnomes behind them, their scowling chieftain at the helm.
“Tribe Crusty-Nose want tribe Fungi-Toes to go now,” Chieftain Saggycrack said.
“It dark now,” Chief D said, unable to keep the panic from his voice as he motioned toward a small window in the tree bark, revealing a starry night sky outside, “and there are many cats.”
“Here.” The woodland chieftain let out a sharp whistle, and a group of about a dozen woodland gnomes rolled a long stick toward them.
Chief D recognized the stick, a witch’s broom. Even though gnomes were notorious thieves, even they knew better than to steal a witch’s broom, for the angry witches always stole them back, using the heavy ends of the brooms to splatter gnomes.
He and his bruders took big steps back, pressing against a table behind them.
“It okay,” the woodland chieftain said. “A gift from dryads. Enchanted to find way home.”
Chief D sucked in a sharp breath, and for once he was anxious to go on another adventure. If they left now, they’d probably make it home in time for some beer and cheese.
He placed his hand on the broom with a smile. “Thank you, bruders.”
“Okay.” Chieftain Saggycrack frowned, shooing them like they were mice. “You go now.”
Chief D felt bad for taking such a nice gift without giving anything in return, for he feared the woodland gnomes would show up at their den one day expecting them to return the favor.
“You want phone to watch Enchantress?” he blurted, then instantly regretted it. He didn’t want to part with their new sparkly phone.
The nannies jumped up, screaming in unison, “No!”
CHIEF D HAD NEVER BEEN more grateful to be standing on solid earth after the broom crashed into the alley beside their nest. The flight over had been terrifying as all four bruders clung to each other and the broom while closing their eyes and refusing to look down. The landing scared every cat within earshot, and they scattered like frightened mice, though Chief D knew they’d be back soon enough. He ushered his bruders into a crack in the wall moments before the broom lifted into the air and then disappeared like a backward bolt of lightning.
They hurried through the tunnels in the walls, eager to check their phone and see if the Enchantress had posted a new update, but also to tell their kin about their adventures. What they found when they reached their nest surprised and terrified them. All bucks and nannies were in a mating frenzy, sweat dripping down their ruddy cheeks and bulbous noses, their mouths hanging open, stubby legs flailing in the air while they grunted and squealed.
“Greetings, kin!” Bruder Sixfingers wildly waved his hands. “We survive our quest.”
Their tribe ignored them while continuing to rut.
Chief D found a couple who had finished early, both gaping up at the ceiling with slackened jaws. He kicked the buck’s side. “What happen here?”
The buck sat up, wiping sweat off his brow. “Nannies throw away all phones. Now they want to rut.”
Wait a minute? Chief D’s chest squeezed with panic as Bruders Sixfingers, Gobbleneck, and Bumblenose cried out in horror.
Bruder Gobbleneck fell to his knees with a keening wail. “They threw away all phones?”
Chief D scowled down at the tired buck. “How you live without Enchantress?”
“No have time.” He pointed to what looked like a grain of rice stuck beneath his trousers. “Nannies make us take little pills of blue.”
The nanny sat up and made a growl like an angry cat and then fell on top of her buck.
Chief D backed away while avoiding looking at the others. He couldn’t find his mate among the sea of sweaty, rutting bodies, but he feared she’d grown tired of waiting for him and had already found another buck.
“Well?” Bruder Sixfingers gave him an expectant look while rubbing his bushy beard. “What we do?”
Chief D scratched the back of his head while trying to think up a plan.
“We go back to tribe Moldy-Bread,” Bruder Sixfingers blurted.
“No.” Chief D slipped the sack with the new phone behind him. The nannies didn’t have to know he had it. He would hide it beneath the floorboards in one of the rarely used tunnels. He looked again at the sea of bodies. Many nannies had more hair than he did and several had boils on their bottoms and round backs. None were nearly as pretty as the Enchantress. He blew out a breath while trying to think up a solution. “Close eyes and pretend they Enchantress,” he finally whispered to his bruders. “We keep new phone in hidden place and watch when they no looking.”
“Okay.” They sighed, their shoulders falling as they dragged their feet toward the orgy.
“Kisses, kisses, and magical wishes,” Chief D mumbled to himself while dreaming of the day he could finally meet his Enchantress. In the meantime, he had some boils to pop.