Chapter 5
Chapter five
“As we come back to the present, take one more long, grateful, and life-giving breath, filling your lungs with positive energy. And as you exhale, let go of any tension that was lingering or any self-doubt that may linger. Namaste.” The vibrant green eyes of my one real friend dance with delight when I finally do open my eyes.
“Girl, your form is improving so much! I’m so impressed with how much stronger you’re getting.
How do you feel?” Cameron Walsh, or Cami as everyone calls her, is the embodiment of calming energy.
When she offered to have me join her for yoga six months ago, I didn’t realize she was a certified teacher and would be leading it, but I quickly began to look forward to the Monday afternoon sessions.
We usually meet outside her RV if the weather permits, but today is raining, so she came to my loft apartment over the bakery.
She has her deep auburn hair with subtle dark purple streaks in a cute ponytail today, something that probably took her five seconds, but it would take me a solid hour not to look like a founding father.
Cami manages Java Jive, which is how we met when I picked up an order of fresh roasted coffee beans for Sprinkles.
Both of us start our days very early, and she’s always been flexible with my availability.
As much as I love Dante and Mila, I can’t fully relax into my breath and downward dog if I’m keeping an eye on my rambunctious minions.
“Good, and I can tell. I feel like my shoulders aren’t as tight at the end of a long day as they used to be, so thanks for that!” She will tell me not to pay her, and I’ll end up sending her money anyway, so I avoid the typical argument all together as I pick up my phone and send cash her way.
“Cara, I told you. That’s not necessary.
I’m here as your friend, and plus, I get just as much out of our sessions as you do.
” Cami shakes her head as she rolls up her mat.
I know she’s borderline allergic to asking for any help, but I also know that winter in her RV is cold, and I wish she would take the offer to live in the apartment over Java Jive.
The owners told her a month ago that it would be available soon, but Cami insists that she isn’t ready to let go of her RV yet because that would make Forrest Falls feel too permanent.
The reality is, I think Cami wants Forrest Falls to be permanent, maybe even with her whole heart, but I know exactly what it’s like to wish for something so much that you can’t even bring yourself to admit it.
We dance around our trauma and both recognize the other holds secrets, but Cami never makes me feel bad for holding back information.
It’s that blue energy vibe—calming and peaceful, no matter the tides of life.
But the thing about true friendship is that you don’t have to bare your soul to have something solid, you just have to be willing to love the other person, extend grace when necessary, and do your best to show up for them.
It sounds simple, but like most things in life, it’s anything but.
“Mind your elders, Cameron Angelica Walsh,” I try to scold her, but she just tosses a throw pillow at me from my couch as she sits down and tucks her legs under herself. “Although, sometimes I forget that I’m ten years older than you; you must be an old soul.”
“One, that’s not my middle name, and two, I think our souls just recognize each other and age is just a number.
I’ve met plenty of twenty-one-year-olds that act more like your three-year-old niece than a peer, so if that makes me an old soul, sign me up.
” Cami takes a drink from her water bottle as I join her on the other end of my sofa.
“I forgot to tell you … or I was procrastinating telling you.” She scrunches up her nose at her admission.
“Liam Callahan came into Java Jive with Savannah yesterday.”
My eyes widen at that little bomb. “How did you hold that in for this long? How did it go?”
“I was like an awkward baby deer and stumbled away. In my head, that was going to go so much better than it did, but I wish all of it was easier, you know?” I do know.
It’s hard to withhold information from someone, even if it’s what you think is for the best. And maybe it really is for the best in the long term, but man, it can hurt like hell in the short term.
While our situations are very different, I know better than anyone else that sometimes you have to put someone else’s well-being before your wants and needs, even if the cost is your own heart. Before I can follow up with fifty-two questions, my cell buzzes with a text from downstairs.
Betty
Sorry Cara, looks like we have a rush from some meeting at Lux today. When you get a sec, I could use a hand!
I read the text out loud as we both stand to head out the door. If Sprinkles is slammed, it’s a good bet Java Jive is too. “Can we continue this conversation over a bottle of wine soon? I want to hear everything,” I ask my friend as I give her a hug.
“I would appreciate that, thank you. I’ll text you if anything else happens.
” I give her shoulder a squeeze before slipping on my shoes and heading down the backstairs that connect to Sprinkles.
I wave goodbye to Cami as she slips out the back door, then slide my apron on and wash my hands quick before going up front.
Betty was right, we are slammed. Typically, Lux keeps their events at the headquarters in Nashville, but occasionally they host smaller events at their Forrest Falls location.
When that happens, the town will get an influx of visitors coming over from Nashville, which I’m guessing is what happened today.
Their building is just at the end of the block, but almost everything in Forrest Falls is within walking distance once you’re downtown.
I take stock of the display case and slip back into the kitchen to restock some items before jumping in to help ring up orders.
There’s something almost therapeutic about getting lost in a busy rush, and typically when people are in a bakery, they’re happy for whatever they are about to order.
“Hey, Cara.” My head snaps up and words escape me as Max gives me one of his beautiful smiles. Is it fair that a man is that beautiful? But I’ve seen his brothers, and both Chase and Tommy are beautiful in their own right too. “How are you?”
Miserable without you.
Angry that I can’t just be with you.
Mad that my brother put us in this position.
Bitter that I can’t do anything about it—at least not today.
Exhausted from having my life dictated to me instead of having the freedom to pursue what—and who—I want. The truth stays locked up though, as I plaster on my best fake-it-until-you-make-it grin. “Hey yourself. I’m great! What can I get you today?”
“Can I get a blueberry muffin and a large dark roast with cream to go, please? Oh, and can you also throw in a couple madeleine cookies for my assistant? If I bribe her with sugar, sometimes she’s nicer to my schedule.”
“You got it, coming right up! You guys brought quite the crowd today. Busy day?” I ask as I pull his muffin and cookies then put them in a to-go container. “Or was it an early holiday party maybe?”
“I’m actually not sure. I think most of these people were in town for some meeting about an upcoming film project, which thankfully is not in my wheelhouse.
” He grins at me again and the pull is almost tangible.
I want to reach out and touch him, hug him, run my hands through his hair, pull his face into mine, and kiss the ever-loving daylights out of him.
Yank him up the stairs, push him into my apartment, and maul him like a tiger.
“Cara?” His eyes darken like he just read my mind.
“Huh? What? Sorry.” I can feel my face warm with blush, which only makes him laugh.
“I was just saying, if you aren’t doing anything, I’d love to take you to dinner tonight.”
“I’ll have Dante and Mila.”
“Yeah, I thought we could all go get pizza. It’s been a while…”
I wish we could. I would wish on every star in the sky if I thought it would help make that a reality.
“I can’t tonight, but … uh, maybe another time, yeah?
” I don’t want to brush him off, but the warm sting of tears behind my eyes tells me that I need to extract myself from this situation and quick.
“Hey, Betty. Can you ring Max up for me? I need to check those cookies.” Betty gives me the look that tells me she knows exactly what I’m doing—and I suspect Max himself even knows there are no cookies in the oven right now.
She doesn’t say anything, just swoops in to save the day with a kind smile.
“Have a great day, Max, thanks for stopping in!”
As if a fire is on my heels, I whip around and rush into the kitchen.
But I don’t stop at the ovens to check on the hypothetical cookies that are not baking, and my sneakers squeak on the black glitter epoxy floor as I pass the coolers before ducking into the dry storage and pushing the door shut.
As my tears escape, I lean against the wall and slide to the floor.
Wishes belong in the bedtime stories I read to Dante and Mila, because apart from the two of them and this bakery, that’s as good as my happily ever after will ever get to be.
My phone vibrates in my pocket with an incoming text.
UNKNOWN
Request received. Appointment scheduled for 1730.
At least something good can come out of today.
I know Dante and Mila need this, but they aren’t the only ones.
I don’t know how long this is going to last, but I am so ready to have my brother back and put this chapter behind us, hopefully, forever.
My emotions make my face feel like it’s on fire and I try to calm my breath.
The last thing I need right now is a panic attack from how trapped I feel.
And I am so beyond exhausted of carrying everything on my own, but what other choice do I have?
Me
Window open?
I hate these dumb phrases, but they set the rules, and I have to just follow them. If the window is open, I can see through it, aka we get to video chat. Video chats rarely happen, but they are so helpful for all of us—and I really need this win.
UNKNOWN
Closed.
Dammit. I kick a massive bag of flour next to me on the floor. I’m not surprised, but it’s so frustrating to have to explain to the kids why they can’t just pick up the phone and see their dad. That text did not help the frustrated tears running down my face that I can’t swipe away fast enough.
UNKNOWN
Correction. Windows will be open.
Thank God for small miracles and early Christmas presents. I don’t know why that changed, but the pressure in my chest lifts just enough for me to take a proper breath.
It’s been close to four months since we’ve been allowed a video call, but tonight, I finally get to see my little brother.
“Okay, remember, if your daddy has to go, we can’t make him feel bad, okay?
This is the best we can do right now, so let’s try and just enjoy this call, okay?
” I coach Dante and Mila, but I know it may all be in vain because at five and three, they’re going to do whatever they want.
They humor me and nod as we wait for the iPad to connect to the secure video call link I received fifteen minutes ago.
We aren’t supposed to ask questions about where he is, or how long he will be gone, or anything specific to the case, but trying to explain that to a three-and-five year-old is challenging.
“Hey, I thought I was seeing my kids. Who is that little man and little lady?” My brother’s voice echoes through the speakers before our video connects, and as soon as his face comes on the screen, I can’t help the tears that start.
Shit. I was trying to keep it together. “Ciao sorella mia. What’s wrong?
” His eyebrows scowl quickly, as though he can jump through the screen and throttle anyone that upset me.
I may be the older sibling, but you would never know with how Luca behaves.
We both have the same darker skin and features, but he has our mother’s dark blonde hair, which apparently, he has been growing out longer since the last time we saw him.
“Ciao fratellino mio. No, no, va tutto bene.” Everything is far from good, but there’s no point in diving into that right now. “It’s just so good to see you, Luca.” I tug Mila into my lap who is looking apprehensive at the screen and watching how Dante reacts.
“Hi, Papà! I miss you! Can you come see my room? I want to show you my new toys and we need to race my cars and where are you? Are you coming here soon or can we go home soon? But I don’t know, I kind of like it here and it’s not as cold as it was at home.
Do you miss me? I miss you.” Dante’s rapid-fire questions shouldn’t surprise either of us, but I can see it kills my brother that he can’t just say “yes” and show up.
“I hope I’m able to see all of it in person as soon as possible, Dante, and of course, I miss you all so much. I can’t wait for you to show me all your toys, and then you know what?”
“What?”
“I think we will need to buy a bunch of new ones too, don’t you think?”
“Yeah!” Dante’s face lights up like Luca just promised a second Christmas morning.
“Luca! They have enough toys. They don’t need more.” They just need their daddy to come home already, but I don’t have to tell my brother that. He looks older than the last time I saw his face and the stress of everything is aging him faster than it should.
“Hi, principessa. How are you, baby?” Luca asks Mila who looks up at me before responding.
“Hi, Papà. I’m good. Where are you?” Her little voice shatters my heart. It seems like an easy question, but the answer is so complicated.
“I’m still somewhere safe, you don’t need to worry, baby.
As soon as I can, I’ll be joining you guys.
I promise. But tell me everything that’s been happening.
I don’t know how long we have, but I want to hear everything—from all of you.
” The kids take over telling him all about adventures at their daycare, what they want for Christmas, and how excited they are that it won’t be as cold this winter as it always was back home.
Before I know it, forty-five minutes have flown by, and I can tell by how Luca is looking off the screen that he’s getting told to wrap it up.
“I love you all so much, and I can’t wait to hug you guys. Keep listening to your Zia, okay? I’ll talk to you as soon as I can. And Cara? Grazie per tutto. I love you guys.”
“Of course, we love you and we will see you soon.” And just like that, Luca is gone. I really have no idea where he’s being kept safe, but judging by his attire today, it isn’t somewhere tropical.
UNKNOWN
Sugar delivery tomorrow morning 0700.
Great, it looks like my morning gets to start with coffee, baking, and a visit by a U.S. marshal.