12. Lena
12
LENA
A t The Garden Café, Lena ordered a cloudy lemonade that she took outside. She sat on a picnic bench beneath a wooden pergola where the air was fragrant with pink and cream roses. She placed her glass on the table in front of her and closed her eyes for a moment. She could hear the gentle buzzing of bees as they settled on flowers collecting pollen, the bright song of a blackbird and the laughter of children as they played somewhere in the gardens. The scent of freshly cut grass surrounded her, along with the heady sweetness of honeysuckle.
Breathing deeply, she made an effort to lower her shoulders and to savour the warmth of the air. She kicked off her shoes and buried her toes in the grass, connecting with the earth and grounding herself. Moments of peace like this were precious and she let go of her worries and tension as she rooted herself firmly in the here and now.
‘Penny for them,’ a voice said nearby. She opened her eyes and found Pearl Draper smiling at her. ‘Mind if I sit down.’ Pearl gestured at the space on the bench opposite Lena.
‘Of course not.’ Lena returned the smile then sipped her lemonade. The bubbles tickled her nose, and the zesty lemonade made her tongue tingle. ‘I don’t know if my thoughts are worth a penny though. I was trying to clear them from my mind.’
‘It’s important to do that.’ Pearl placed her glass coffee mug on the table. ‘The mind needs a break now and then and clearing your thoughts is as beneficial as a nap.’
‘I do like a nap.’ Lena nodded. ‘I was in the village earlier, and I thought I’d walk up here and maybe get something to eat.’
‘How’s the fair?’
‘It’s lovely but very busy.’
‘Wait until high summer. It can be manic then. It’s why I’m glad the café is up here, slightly removed from the village.’
‘It’s in an incredible spot. We could be anywhere and yet I know we’re near the sea.’
‘The air is amazing, right?’
‘Awesome,’ Lena agreed. ‘I could live here quite happily.’ She blinked. It was true, she realised. She could quite happily move here now, and she didn’t even think she’d miss city life.
‘Well perhaps that’s what you need to do.’ Pearl picked up her mug and took a sip.
‘Is it that easy though?’ Lena looked at the older woman and knew what answer she wanted to hear.
‘You can do whatever you want to do. Even if it seems overwhelming at first, you can always find a way. This isn’t a rehearsal, remember. We get one life.’
‘That’s so true.’
‘How’s the lemonade?’ Pearl gestured at her glass.
‘Delicious.’
‘Ellie made it with organic lemons and a new juicer she persuaded me to buy. She said we need to invest to grow, and I can’t argue with that. Investments in time, energy and self-belief are important if we want to make progress.’
Lena smiled at Pearl because she suspected that Pearl’s words referred to more than making lemonade. ‘If life gives you lemons, right?’
‘Oh absolutely! Life gives us all lemons at some points but it’s what we do with them that’s important. We might suck on them and pull a few grimaces for a bit but add some sugar and water and even some elderflower cordial and we can make the juice far more palatable.’
‘Have you been through tough times, Pearl?’ Lena asked.
Pearl sighed. ‘A few, my lovely. But that’s life, right? We all endure but we can also enjoy. Focusing on the things that give us joy is important, and it helps us keep moving forwards. How’s the book coming along?’
‘Not bad, thanks. To be honest, it’s not as easy as I thought it would be before I started.’ Lena removed her baseball cap and scratched the top of her head. ‘Although why I thought it might be easy, I don’t know because writing is an art. It requires perseverance, determination and a certain amount of confidence. It’s too easy to read what I’ve written and think it’s rubbish.’
‘I’m sure it’s not.’
‘I’m not so sure.’ Lena giggled. ‘It could be utter nonsense but I’m trying to push my inner critic away and to get the words on the page. If I allow self-doubt to creep in, then I won’t get anything done and I’ll have wasted the summer.’
‘You keep believing in yourself.’ Pearl held her gaze. ‘I believe you can do this. You look like an author to me.’
‘I look like an author?’ Lena tilted her head. ‘What? Pale with dark shadows under my eyes and a tormented expression?’
Pearl laughed now. ‘Goodness, no! You are beautiful, Lena. There’s just something about you that makes me think you’re a writer. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but you know some people look like doctors, some look like librarians and some look like they work with horses? Well, you look like you work with words.’
‘That’s cool. I like that.’ Lena nodded.
‘Oh hello!’ Pearl looked behind Lena and smiled broadly. Lena turned to see Thomas walking towards them. He was holding a glass of lemonade too.
‘Hey, Pearl. Lena.’ He gave a small nod. ‘Beautiful day.’
‘It is indeed.’ Pearl drained her coffee.
‘OK if I sit down?’ he asked.
‘Of course it is.’ Lena peered up at him, wishing her heart would slow down.
‘Right, if you’ll excuse me, I’d better get back inside.’ Pearl swung her leg over the seat and reached for her empty mug. ‘We have some lovely cheese and leek quiches fresh from the oven and they’re made with gluten free pastry, so if you do get peckish, I thoroughly recommend them.’
‘Thank you.’ Lena gave a nod.
Thomas sat opposite her then set his glass down on the table. Lena took a sip of lemonade, hoping it would help her to calm down. What was it with this man that turned into a nervous wreck whenever she saw him?
‘Everything OK?’ Thomas asked.
‘Yes, good thanks. I was just enjoying the peace and quiet here.’ She looked around.
‘Oh… Apologies!’ He moved to stand, and she held up a hand.
‘Sorry! I didn’t mean it like that.’ She watched as he paused, uncertain whether to stay or go. ‘I meant that it’s such a lovely place that I was enjoying how soothing it is. I didn’t mean that I want to sit here … alone. Pearl came and joined me, and we had a chat and now you’re here and I’m glad.’
He eyed her warily. ‘You’re glad?’
‘Yes. It’s nice to see you again. Twice in one day and all that because I saw you… earlier… in the village…’ She trailed off.
‘You look like you’ve been crying.’ A fine line appeared between his dark brows.
She touched a hand to her face, aware that her eyes were still a bit puffy from crying at the beach. ‘I think I got a bit overwhelmed when I met that little pug in the rescue sanctuary gazebo. He’s so beautiful. I went down to the sea then and and something just surged inside me.’
Thomas was watching her carefully.
‘Does that make sense?’ she prompted.
‘It does.’ He nodded. ‘Totally. When I first moved here I—’ He bit his bottom lip so hard it turned white.
What had happened to him? She knew about the accident but not in detail and wondered what trauma he carried.
‘You can tell me,’ she said softly.
He gazed across the garden and as he released his lip, the colour returned to it. ‘You’re a journalist,’ he said eventually.
‘What’s that got to do with it? Today I’m trying to be a friend.’ She winced at the pleading tone of her voice, but it was true. ‘I’m not here to dig out stories, Thomas. I’m here to write my book and to relax and to try to… to find myself.’
He looked straight at her then and she held her breath. It was important to her that he believed her. She wasn’t quite sure why it mattered so much, but she wanted him to.
‘You’re here to find yourself?’ His voice was low, his brown eyes so dark they seemed black. His left hand rose to his cheek and rubbed at the scar as if checking it was there.
‘I am.’
‘I… When I first moved here, I stayed with my sister and her family for six months. You might have seen me with them around the village. Marnie is pregnant with her third child.’
Lena tried not to show a reaction to the news, but it seemed that Thomas wasn’t with the pregnant woman; she was, in fact, his sister.
‘It was after the… the accident,’ he went on. ‘I came here straight from the hospital after months of being trapped there as I healed physically. Bligh collected me and drove me from London, and I was… in a state. I was healing and yet I was broken.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Do you know how it feels to be broken, Lena?’
She sucked in a shaky breath. ‘I do.’
‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘Bligh and Marnie were amazing and this place… it was exactly where I needed to be. The beauty of it, the sense of history and belonging that I feel here. It’s like I should always have been here and then the terrible things wouldn’t have happened and…’ He pursed his lips. ‘I don’t know if that’s true. Perhaps we’re all destined to go in one direction from the moment we’re born. You know how some people smoke all their life and don’t get cancer yet others who never touched a cigarette do? And how fit young men in their twenties can be running in a marathon and just collapse because their heart gives out? And how others never exercise and yet they live until they’re in their nineties? Well, that all makes me wonder about whether we have any control at all over our lifespan or whether it’s all down to fate, you know?’
‘I do know.’ Lena inclined her head. ‘I get where you’re coming from.’
‘It’s all so strange at times. Such a lot to process and yet process it we must.’
‘We must,’ she agreed.
‘I was high on life when the accident happened. I thought I had it all. Glittering career. Beautiful girlfriend. Luxury apartment.’ He gave a wry laugh. ‘And then in a moment it was snatched away from me and the life I have now is completely different.’
Lena scanned his face, admiring him for sharing, for surviving against all odds, for keeping on going.
‘You’ve been through a lot,’ she said, sliding her hand out with the palm facing upwards. It was brave or crazy to offer him her hand, but she didn’t care. She wanted him to know that she cared enough to offer comfort. They might not know each other well but she could be his friend, be there for him.
He looked at her hand and she saw his Adam’s apple bob but then he placed his hand over hers and their fingers laced together as if they did this all the time.
‘The night of the crash I’d been out in London. We were celebrating a win and I’d been drinking. I wasn’t going to drive because I’m not that kind of idiot, but my… my then girlfriend hadn’t touched a drop. She… she took the keys to my car, and we set off for home. There was a terrible storm and visibility was bad.’ A muscle in his jaw twitched and Lena knew how hard this was for him. ‘We were talking about something that had happened that evening and it turned into an argument. I thought she’d been flirting with another player. She denied it but I was angry and drunk. It escalated pretty quickly and because she was distracted and it was raining so heavily, she didn’t see the car approaching on the wrong side of the road. Some stupid idiots were racing and playing chicken, and then… it all happened so quickly.’
Lena held on tight to his hand and waited for him to continue.
‘She tried to swerve but there was nowhere to go. The car hit us head-on and after that, I blacked out.’
Blunt force trauma. Broken bones. Soft tissue damage. Career destroyed. Never play again.
The headlines came rushing back now as Thomas shared his story. They had been shocking, saddening, repetitive, as reports about Thomas and the crash had circulated. The tabloids had devoured the story, replayed it and made it sound as horrific as possible. And it had been horrific. Truly horrific. Lena knew there had been no need to dramatise what had happened but, of course, the media had. Shocking headlines sold newspapers, sold advertising, made money. All at people’s expense.
‘I woke in a hospital bed with some memory loss and a damaged body.’ He shook his head. ‘A body that will never be the same.’
‘I’m sorry, Thomas.’ She blinked as her vision blurred.
‘It’s OK. It’s definitely not your fault and you don’t need to be sorry. I’m the one who should be sorry for drinking and not driving that night. If I’d driven, then the crash might not have happened. I could have avoided the other car and—’ He sighed. ‘Who am I kidding? There was nowhere to go to avoid it.’
‘But your girlfriend wasn’t injured?’
‘Ex-girlfriend,’ he said through gritted teeth. ‘No. She had a few scrapes and bruises but luckily, and incredibly, she escaped without serious injury. Me though… the impact crushed the passenger side of the car. It fractured my tibia and tore the ligament. It also fractured my pelvis and that took a long time to heal and is the most painful thing I could ever have imagined. The surgeons did what they could, but the injuries were severe and even with physical therapy, I’ll never be the same.’ He held up the cane that he’d propped against the bench. ‘I’ll probably always need this. And my face… the shattered glass from the windscreen caused a deep laceration. I could have cosmetic surgery now to make it less noticeable, but I figure what’s the point?’ He gave a small shrug then let go of Lena’s hand and raked both his hands through his curly hair. ‘I’m so sorry. How grim is all that?’
‘You’ve suffered loss, Thomas. Don’t ever beat yourself up for talking about it. You must talk about it.’ She reached across the table, and he took her hand again.
‘You’re not at all like I imagined a journalist would be.’
‘No?’
‘You’re… nice. Unless it’s all a ruse to get the lowdown on me.’ He met her eyes, but she saw that his lips were curving upwards. ‘Please tell me it’s not a ruse, Lena?’
‘I promise you it’s not a ruse.’
‘Thank you. For that and for…’ He held up their hands. ‘For this.’
‘So your ex-girlfriend… Daniella, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes. We broke up. I know everyone said that she dumped me, but I became insufferable after the crash. I was moody, angry and resentful, and I needed somewhere to direct that anger so I pushed her away with it. I couldn’t understand how a beautiful young woman like her would want me. I was physically and mentally scarred, unable to play anymore and therefore unable to keep her in the lifestyle she’d become accustomed to. The wedding she’d always dreamt of wasn’t going to happen and neither was the life she’d envisioned as a footballer’s wife. Not with me, anyway, but as you probably know… she found it with the very player I accused her of flirting with that night. Maybe there was something going on between them prior to that evening but I’ll never know, and I figure it’s not worth stressing about. It makes no difference now. And so I swore never to fall in love again.’
‘Oh Thomas.’ She covered his hand with both of hers and tried to convey that she cared and that she was here for him, that she understood how awful this had been.
‘I have counselling still. And physical therapy is ongoing. I have enough money to live on because of the ridiculously high wages I was paid, and the sponsorship deals I got before it all went wrong. Not enough to throw it away like I used to, but enough to live comfortably on. But I feel like I lost my purpose that night. I have my sister and her family, but I need a reason to get up every day and so I’ve decided to apply to the rescue sanctuary to work with the animals there. I hope they’ll accept my application because I need to do something positive now. It’s been three years of coming to terms with what happened and, in some ways, of feeling sorry for myself, but now it’s time to do something for others.’
‘That’s amazing, Thomas.’ Lena’s vision blurred again, and she swallowed hard. ‘I’m so happy you’ve come to that conclusion.’
‘Me too.’ He frowned then as he looked at her. ‘Lena… thank you. I don’t usually talk about all of this, but I felt I needed to explain to you why I can be so guarded. Your job made me suspicious, but everyone deserves a chance to be trusted and I should know better than to judge someone before I’ve got to know them.’
Lena gazed at the handsome man in front of her and wished with all her heart that she could take away his pain and make him feel like new. But no one got that chance. People could reinvent themselves; they could learn from their experiences, and they could move on, but they would always be the same person deep down. No one got a completely clean slate, but they could find ways to heal and to live a full life. She hoped that Thomas could find that for himself and that he wouldn’t always be so haunted by the crash and the trauma.
‘What about you?’ he asked. ‘Has life been kind to you?’
Lena sighed inwardly. ‘Life is kind, and life is cruel to us all in different ways and at different times I think, Thomas. We all have our burdens to bear.’ She swallowed. Could she tell him? Could she really open up to this man who already had so much on his plate? ‘Do you know what?’
‘What?’
‘I would really love to go for a walk. It’s a lovely day and I’d like to paddle in the sea, eat gluten free donuts and to drink some Cornish cider. How does that sound to you?’
His smile made her heart squeeze. ‘I would love to do that. Now?’
‘Now’s as good a time as any.’
They drank the rest of their lemonade then took the glasses into the café before setting off down to the village. They walked side by side, their hands almost touching and Lena felt the connection to this mysterious man growing like a flower opening to the sun. She’d known the first moment she set eyes on him that they shared something deep and now she knew exactly what it was. They both had scars and his might be more visible right now, but she did understand because trauma was trauma. It might come in different forms, but it always left its mark.