Chapter 40
HOTEL MARGARITáRI, AVLAKI
Arriving in the car park, Kostas turned off the engine of the motorbike and, using his shoulders, Faye got off, immediately trying to unlatch the helmet strap under her chin. It was still warm, too warm for wearing a padded hard hat, but safety first…
‘Why can you never do it?’ Kostas asked, laughing as he dismounted and watched her.
‘As soon as I get it off I am going to hit you with it. It’s so hot!’
‘Too hot for you, Mrs Lawson? I am not sure that situation exists.’
‘Help me.’ Her fingers were starting to get sore with the attempts to press and pull the plastic latch. ‘Parakaló.’
‘OK,’ he said. ‘As you beg so nicely.’
In one swift motion, with those long fingers, the catch was released and he gently guided the helmet from her head. The outside air, although still warm, was like an instant balm and Faye fanned out her hair with her hands.
‘I think, despite the being unable to take off the helmet, that you like riding with me,’ Kostas told her. He put the helmet down on the bike then moved close, his fingers unfurling a caught-up strand of her hair.
‘I think,’ Faye began, ‘that I’m not the only one who enjoys the joint experience.’
‘I fear you are right,’ he breathed, leaning in.
‘Fear?’ Faye asked, putting a hand on his chest and halting any more movement towards her.
His expression told her that he was thinking on her question. And then he answered. ‘Not fear. But…’
‘But?’
He cupped her face with his hand. ‘Come back to my suite.’
She closed her eyes, relishing his touch and the sensation of having that soft, almost tender, support. And then, when she had soaked every single, tiny nuance of it, she opened her eyes and answered him. ‘I can’t.’
‘You can’t?’ he queried. ‘Or you don’t want to?’
She sighed, so many thoughts spiralling. ‘Kosta, I had a wonderful time tonight. I just think… you and I, we keep blurring too many lines and that’s probably my fault because I should be the grown-up and you are a guest here but—’
‘Wow. OK.’ He dropped his hand, and the energy fell too.
‘Let me finish.’
‘Why? So I can hear all the ways you’re going to tell me no? Well, I got the message.’
‘Don’t be like that.’
‘Like what? Please, as a grown-up, tell me how I am being. Because I thought I said everything I needed to say about age earlier.’
‘Kosta—’
‘Do not patronise me, Faye. I am not a child.’
‘And I really don’t do casual sex.’
‘Really? Because you were pretty great at it the other night.’
‘And I am sure your other “friend” was pretty good at it too.’
‘Fuck, Faye! I told you nothing happened. I swore to you that nothing happened. What, you don’t believe me now? You think I am a liar! Really? And this is the conversation you want to end the evening on?’
Did she believe him that nothing had happened?
Why was it niggling her if something had?
She was supposed to be being cool and aloof and twenty-first-century dating with it.
And the night had been wonderful. It had been fun and light and joyful and then deep and soulful and romantic.
And she knew it was her who had fear. She was worried that if she continued with whatever this was, in whatever form it was taking, she was going to get hurt.
Better to put it in one box as ‘no strings sex’ or another labelled ‘friends with no benefits’ and the issue was, as well as enjoying spending time with him she was starting to think about spending more time with him.
Throw in the total mind-blowing physical connection she felt when they were together and you had that deep trouble they’d spoken about.
He raked a hand through his thick black hair, eyebrows furrowed, that ridge in his forehead appearing as it did when he was frustrated. ‘It’s OK. I apologise.’
‘You don’t have anything to apologise for. I had an amazing evening. Thank you for sharing it with me.’
He nodded but he wouldn’t meet her eyes and right now she was overwhelmed with immediate regret.
Because this wasn’t about spending the night with him again, this was about her insecurities over relationships after the way her marriage had ended.
She felt vulnerable. She didn’t want to feel vulnerable.
‘Kalinixta, Faye.’
He had said goodnight and he was turning away…
‘Wait!’
He turned back, facing her, but still couldn’t seem to look at her.
‘I want to be honest,’ she said, suddenly shivering in the humid air.
‘OK?’
‘I want to be honest, but I’m scared.’
‘Of me?’
She shook her head. ‘No, of me.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Whatever this is between us… I don’t know.
But what I do know is… I am everything to myself, Kosta,’ she began.
‘Yes, I have a daughter who is the most important person to me, but she has her own life to work out and enjoy. And yes, I have made my base here in Kerkyra, but really, my strength, my safe space, my home, it’s inside me.
’ She sighed. ‘And anything, or anyone, that I let in, I worry that it could compromise everything I’ve had to work so hard to restore and build up again. ’
‘You are crying,’ Kostas said, moving towards her. ‘Please, do not cry.’
She hadn’t realised, and she dashed the tears away with the back of her hand. ‘Maybe this is too much.’ Suddenly words Matthew had said during marriage counselling resonated. Sometimes you are too much.
‘No,’ Kostas said, catching her hand in his.
‘It is not too much.’ He squeezed her hand.
‘When something hurts us we try to stay away from everything and anything that is even close to like that same thing. It is a natural response of the body to not want pain again. And you are talking to someone who has had major surgeries for the same problem.’ He sighed.
‘But then, when it comes to the mind, it is even more difficult. Because no one can see the scars and, most of the time, we ourselves try to pretend they are not there.’
‘I don’t want to compromise my safety net,’ Faye told him, voice trembling.
‘Faye,’ he whispered. ‘I don’t want you to compromise anything for me.’
She nodded, holding his hand tight in hers.
‘But,’ he said softly, ‘the thing about safety nets is, you only need them if you fall.’
‘Exactly,’ she said.
‘Well, I do not think you built yourself back up to fall.’ He palmed her face again. ‘I think you built yourself back up to fly.’
His words pierced her heart in the sweetest way and when he gathered her up, putting his arms around her in such a solid, affirming, caring way, she didn’t just feel like she was flying; she felt like she might soar.
‘This thing between us,’ he said, voice close to her ear.
‘I do not know what it is either. But what I do know is… I have scars too and for a very long time I pretend they are not there. And then, when you spend time with someone and it is… different to anything you have had before… it makes you think more and feel more and laugh more and want to drive buggies and reconnect with your dead grandmother and… when a little girl gives you a basketball jersey and calls you a hero it makes you cry.’ He breathed long and deep against her and she held him there.
‘I don’t know if my flying days might be over. Some days I feel like I am plummeting.’
She drew him away from her then, holding his arms and looking deep into his eyes. ‘Then, maybe we can be each other’s parachute, until we figure out how we land.’
‘Endáksi,’ he said with a nod. ‘OK.’