Chapter 7
CHAPTER
SEVEN
Super paid, highly demanded, and thoroughly fucked.
I pushed the mop across the floor, sure not to miss a spot. My cell was pinned between my shoulder and ear.
“Ice, baby, I understand, but the semester is starting in August. You won’t be here for my first day of school,” I fussed.
I didn’t give a damn how long he stayed in Colombia. I had no interest in seeing him. By the time he returned, I’d have his number blocked and I’d be on to the next duck, plucking him for a few thousand.
“That makes me sad.”
My intent was to burden him with guilt.
“I’m sorry, Heidi. If I could be there, baby, I would be.”
“You have to make it up to me.”
“And I plan to.”
“What am I going to do about my books and my clothes?”
“I got you. Send me that account info. I’ll get something in there by the end of the week to make sure you’re straight.”
“Today,” I urged.
“Today, then, Heidi. Now, what does Daddy get for being a good listener?”
I paused, placing the phone on mute.
“A pat on the back, nigga,” I said, hoping he didn’t hear me.
“Whatever Daddy wants,” I lied, unmuting the phone.
“That’s what I like to hear. I want you waiting for me in nothing but a trench when I touch down.”
“Maybe I can pick you up from the airport.”
“I’d like that.”
“Oh damn. That’s impossible. My car is still in the shop. Maybe I can borr–”
“We’ve got to get you a new set of wheels, Heidi.”
“Yes. I know. I know. I just love my car so much. I– I guess it is time to let it go.”
“We’ll talk about it, ya hear me?”
“Mm hm.”
“What are you wearing right now?” Ice asked, kissing the skin of his teeth.
“Something way too small. My cheeks are hanging ou–”
I was in period panties, a bonnet, my cleaning slides, and an oversized tee. However, I could barely get my lie out before there was movement in my home. I hadn’t invited anyone over and I hadn’t let anyone in.
The motion of the mop stopped. I stood up straight and pulled my cellphone from my ear.
“Hey, Ice. My giraffe is in the kitchen trying to cook. I’m going to have to call you back.”
“Bet. Bet. Hit me back.”
Hadn’t I been invested in the unwanted presence in my home, I would’ve laughed. My reasoning and his lack of comprehension was proof that niggas didn’t listen to women they didn’t take seriously. And, once they captured the woman they took seriously, they didn’t listen to her ass anymore, either.
Just as the line died, long legs came from around the corner, into my living room, and into my personal space. My heart rate increased tremendously as chocolate covered me.
“Flocco? Seriously? How’d you get into my house?”
“Gimme a kiss.”
“No. Not until you tell me how you got into my house?”
“Don’t worry ‘bout all that. Gimme a hug.”
“FLOCCO,” I yelled, pushing him away.
He didn’t budge. Instead, he wadded my shirt in his hand and pulled me even closer, pressing his lips against mine. When he pulled back, I was breathless.
“I made a key,” he confessed, dangling a key in front of me.
I reached up to snatch it but I wasn’t quick enough.
“How’d you make a key and I’ve never given you my key?”
“That liquor gon’ cost you every time,” he sniggered.
“Oh, that’s low. While I was drunk?”
“Passed the fuck out. Gotta be more careful.”
I squinted my eyes and peered at him in disbelief. On one hand I was repulsed by the idea of a man having access to my home.
My personal space.
My independence.
My sacred grounds.
My little corner of the world.
But, on the other hand, it was Flocco. And somehow, he was different from the others. Somehow, I didn’t mind him having a key to my home. The protests that were at the tip of my tongue stayed in place, never leaving my mouth.
“For your peace of mind and mine, understand that popping up unannounced isn’t a good idea.”
“For me or for the niggas you fucking with?”
“For you.”
“I can handle myself. Just hope them niggas can do the same.”
“Your delusion is appalling– To say the least.”
“I really don’t give a damn what you talking about right now, Hyph. I’m trying to get into some Trouble. I have a twelve-hour road trip and I want to take you with me. How fast can you get ready?”
“Today? Right now?”
“Yes. Right now.”
I sighed with a shake of my head.
“What?” Flocco asked.
As much as I wanted to deny him, I couldn’t.
“I’m on my period,” I whispered as if I didn’t want the person I was talking to, to actually hear me.
He chuckled. “And you telling me that because of what? You think it’s going to curb my appetite or force me to tell you to stay your pretty ass here?”
“Well, I wa–”
“I wanted you around before I stuck my dick inside of you. Your pussy is a bonus. Your presence is the true prize.”
“A poet after my heart,” I cackled.
“If you’ll let me have it.”
“I won’t,” I replied, smiling.
“Then I’ma take the motherfucker,” he scoffed, “I’m a thief, baby. This what I do.”
“I’m going to get myself together. I can be ready in thirty minutes. Where are we going?”
“You’ll find out when we get there.”
It hardly mattered where we were going. Flocco had gained my trust. And, with him leading, I knew I wouldn’t be led down a path of destruction. That was key.
I headed to the kitchen to discard the mop and dirty water. Flocco was right behind me with the bucket in his hand.
When I headed to my bedroom, he was on my heels.
Bedroom.
Closet.
Bathroom.
Bedroom.
Closet.
Bathroom.
I couldn’t take a step without feeling the heat of his frame.
My little lost puppy. I joked inwardly.
I curled up in the passenger seat. The furry slippers that once covered my feet were now on the floor. A blanket draped the lower half of my body.
We weren’t in the Chevelle. Neither were we in Flocco’s mother’s car, which was tucked into his garage. Instead, we were in a GMC with temporary tags in the window. I had yet to ask, because I knew the answer to my question. Flocco had purchased a new vehicle.
As we cleared mile after mile, my nervous system settled a little more. The way my body responded to Laurence was both infuriating and impressive. The more time we spent in each other’s presence, the more I softened around the edges, near the edges, and in the center.
All over.
Throughout.
Deep down.
On top.
Underneath.
I felt mindless and mindful at once.
Haven’t you learned your lesson? I kept asking myself, completely disturbed and frightened by the idea of allowing a man to get this close to me.
Or close to me at all. And, sadly, I didn’t see an end to the bond he was spearheading.
It only got worse. For me. Because we’d only get closer. The thought threatened to destroy me.
And heal me.
And hurt me.
And fix me.
And fuck me over.
And punish me.
And protect me.
And level me.
And leave me.
I closed my eyes, releasing a sigh. I’d never been so conflicted in my life. If there’s nothing more Elaine used the bit of her brain to teach me, it was to always choose myself. When Zeek came into my life, I’d quietly begun to transition.
The changes were subtle and I didn’t notice them until the moment the cold, January winds slapped my face as I stepped out into the night air with only my cell, purse, and a duffle bag with close to eighty thousand tucked inside.
Before he entered my world, it only revolved around me.
And, I wholeheartedly believed it should.
Not temporarily, but for the rest of my life.
I was taught to choose myself in every lifetime, every story, every relationship, every situation, every turn, and every universe.
Because once my story ended, life would end.
Choosing anyone other than self would be a disservice to me and everyone around me.
The world had molded women into believing the male species should be the center of their universe and I was convinced it was the reason girls were forced to be women faster and boys remained boys, even as grown ass men.
So many mothers sheltered their sons, punishing them and teaching them much later in their lives than their daughters.
From the very beginning, young girls are expected to have independence, common sense, and the ability to do whatever they put their little minds to–almost completely unassisted. Boys' hands are held until they encounter a woman who isn’t willing to hold their hand and sing them lullabies to bed.
Until a coddled man meets a selfish woman, his patterns remain the same. Woman after woman. Situation after situation. Task after task. Responsibility after responsibility. And, it muddies the water. It muddies the world.
If young girls were taught to choose themselves every fucking time instead of submission, domestication, and nurturing, the world would heal. Respect wouldn’t be rewarded. It would be required.
I took a look at Flocco, wondering if his mother had held his hand, too. And, if I was the karma he didn’t know he needed. Because, strangely, my choice was obvious from the start.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Clarity wasn’t necessary because I made it clear every day. And, this time, I didn’t feel as though I’d have to compromise. Neither did I feel the need to shrink in order to make Flocco feel bigger, better, or in control.
This time? I chastised. Oh, honey, you’re doomed.
I sealed my lids, pulling in more air. The fight inside of me was slowly dying.
As if he could hear my thoughts, Flocco’s hand reached across the center console and linked his fingers though mine. He lifted my hand, pulling it closer to his lips to kiss.
Muah.
Gently, he pecked the back of my hand.
Muah.
Again.
Muah.
And again.
Muah.
And then again.
Things moved inside of my chest. I could feel the pain of it all. I could hear the ruckus of it all. Flocco was wedging himself between my head and heart and secretly, I hated it. I wasn’t ready for the emotions that came with his position. Liberation had saved me. I wasn’t prepared for captivity.
“You good?”
I nodded.
“What’s on your mind?”
I melted deeper into the seat.
“So much and nothing at once,” I admitted.
“Talk to me,” he demanded, lowering the volume of the stereo.
I rolled my eyes, hating the thoughts rolling around in my head.
“I like my freedom. In fact, I love my freedom.” I revealed.
“Understood.”
I didn’t have to explain. Laurence’s comprehension skills were incredible.
“I’ll always choose myself. One time, I didn’t. And, it was the worst mistake of my life. So, I don’t have the energy or desire to do that again. Ever. I’ll always choose me. There will never be a time that anyone has to question my choice. It’ll always be Hyphen Stone.”
“It should be. I never doubted that, Hyph.”
Silence spread throughout the spacious vehicle.
“That’s it.”
“Hm?” My eyebrows furrowed.
“That’s the reason. My reason– The reason I can’t let you go.
The reason I can’t let anyone else have you.
The reason I’m willing to wait. The reason you on my dome night and day.
It ain’t just because you’re pretty or your pussy is immaculate.
It’s because you have a good head on your shoulders, Hyph.
“You’re an independent thinker. Without ever opening your mouth, motherfuckers know what time it is when they step to you. Niggas know your world and theirs must revolve around one person; Hyphen Stone. If they ain’t with that shit, then they might as well run the other way.”
“Yet you haven’t.”
“Cause my world was burned to the ground. I ain’t had a home since my people lost their lives that night. I’m ready to rebuild. And, I ain’t got an issue with building a world that surrounds yours. I’m ‘bout what you’re about, Hyph. So, if you’re all about you, then me, too. You feel me?”
My chest ached.
“I know you been through some shit. I know life ain’t been ideal. Especially not lately. But, neither has mine been. Still, you get up and keep that chin of yours from hitting your chest. I like that shit. I love that shit. And, strangely, I feel like we’re more alike than you are willing to admit.
“You had your chest cracked open. I get it. I understand your frustration and that you’re on your hate niggas shit right now.
But, when you’re ready to love a nigga… just let that nigga be me.
That’s all I ask. Give me that chance so I can show you that you never have to love another nigga in yo life, baby.
Not unless we luck up on a lil nigga. One of our own. Down, down the line.
“So, be about you, Hyph. Be about yourself. Be as selfish as you want to be. I’m ‘bout that shit, too. I want you better. I want you healthier. I want you smarter. I want you however you want yourself. I see you however you see yourself. If that’s the pinnacle, then cool.
We both know what it is so we never have to wonder. ”
He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed again.
“You ain’t got to stay hard on me, Hyph. You can chill a little. I don’t give a fuck how many niggas done told you they wouldn’t do you dirty. I can show you better, baby.”
“That’s the thing with this. It’s all a game. Not all men think they’ll do you dirty until the dirt has been done and they can’t help themselves. The dirt just keeps piling.”
“Valid point. And, I don’t have any words to convince you otherwise. Cause it is how the shit works, but not for me. You’ll find that out with time.”
Quietly, I fixed my eyes on the steering wheel, admiring how Flocco held it. And how he held me.