Chapter 14
CHAPTER
FOURTEEN
I’ll do anything necessary for her. So don’t let the necessary occur. –Jay Z
Through swollen eyes, I stared into the darkness. There hadn’t been a time in life I’d felt lower. My body was glued to the mattress, head throbbing from the tears I’d cried.
I’d been depleted of my strength. For the first time in life, I was weak. Susceptible. Vulnerable. Unrecognizable.
“Hyph,” Flocco lowered his body onto the floor, pressing his back against the nightstand.
“Hm?” I choked out, tears blending with the dark sheets on his bed.
I’d cried enough to drench his covers.
“I need you to eat, baby.”
The sound of metal tapping against glass confirmed my suspicions.
More soup.
“Open up.”
I parted my swollen lips. They hurt. So did my gums. My teeth. My nose. My jaws. My eyes. My head. My neck. My back.
“I’m sorry, Hyph.”
I swallowed the soup. What I couldn’t swallow were my tears. I wept. Chest caving, back quivering.
“Don’t cry. Don’t cry, baby. You’re good. You feel me? I got you. No matter what. I got you. Always.”
“I just– I didn’t know.”
“Even if you did, I ain’t tripping on it. That’s my story, not yours. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
“I’m sorry about your mother. I’m sorry about your father.”
I had mother issues of my own. As long as my mother was on drugs, she’d stay away.
But, if ever I needed her, she’d be there.
But, it didn’t negate the fact that our relationship didn’t exist and she was only a few blocks away.
Realizing how blessed I was to still have my mother, I made a conscious decision to actively share my existence with her.
She’d never harmed me. Her sickness had caused me pain, but she hadn’t. She never would. She loved me too much. I loved her the same but had learned to live without her by the time I was ten. We were in the same home, but we were strangers.
“It’s all good, Hyph. I’m not worried about none of that. I’m worried about you. How you feeling? You good?”
My nostrils swelled, painfully.
“No,” I admitted.
“Talk to me.”
My tears kept falling. The bed kept catching them.
“I have a tremendous amount of guilt. Not for him– for you. For us.”
“We gone be straight.”
I shuddered, releasing emotions I’d had pent up for far too long. For years. For months. For weeks. For days. For hours.
Flocco placed the soup on the nightstand. He removed his clothes and slipped into bed. Gently, he pulled me onto his chest.
“Come ‘er.”
He rubbed his hand up and down my back.
“Tell me, Hyphen. Tell me what you want? And, keep it a buck with me.”
“To trust again. To trust myself. To trust you. To know that I’m not making a foolish decision by opening my heart to someone else.
To live happily. To graduate. To become a nurse.
To establish something of my own. To sit down.
To settle down. To laugh uncontrollably.
To love wildly. To be able to be scared and vulnerable and curious.
To have some whimsy in my world. To have some sureness.
To have stability. To know that I’ll always be okay.
And loved. And cared for. And considered. ”
“Do you want me to give you that? And to at least help you get the things I’m incapable of giving you myself?”
I nodded.
“Then let me.”
I blinked away the tears.
“You hear me, Hyphen?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Just let me, baby, and I will. No promises. Straight action. If you’ll let me.”
“I will.”
“Good. Cause I’d lose my top if you would’ve said no.”
I sighed, knowing there was so much truth to his claims.
“You think they’ll ever look deeper into the case?”
“They’ll find the same shit. Self-defense. I stood my fucking ground. Stood your ground.”
“Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. I’ll spin this whole fucking city ‘bout you, Hyph. No questions asked.”
“I have to get back to school.”
“I’ve already went up there. I let them know what’s up. Give it another week. You’ll be as good as new.”
“Does it make you feel a way?”
“What?”
“Knowing I– I was once with your brother?”
He chuckled. “I don’t know that nigga. He’s just one of my father’s mistakes. I never thought my Pops was on the straight and narrow. He had his ways. I just never thought he’d leave his blood hanging, but shit…”
“He said he advised his mother to get rid of him. She told him she would. She didn’t.”
Flocco sighed.
“We ain’t share shit but blood and pussy. I don’t know that nigga, Hyph. What y’all did ain’t got shit to do with us. I’m already in. You could’ve been my uncle’s old piece and I wouldn’t give a fuck at this point. It is what it is.”
“Seriously,” I laughed. “Urgh.” Immediately after, I groaned from the pain.
He kissed my forehead.
“Seriously. I love you. That’s it. That’s all there will ever be. Nothing else matters.”
“I love you,” I confessed. “And I’ve known for a while.”
“When?”
“On The Boulevard.”
“When I snatched your hot ass out of that car?”
“Um hm.”
“Fucked you behind the store.”
“And I loved every minute of it.”
“Cause you fucked up, Hyph. Some screws missing in the top of that head of yours.”
“Meanwhile you leaving five minute voicemails and triple texting.”
“You had two hours before I showed up at that door, too.”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Real shit, though. I’m ready to build with you.
Get the whole hood in the church house. Put a rock on your finger.
Bring pretty tears from those pretty eyes.
Put your heart at ease. Be the loudest nigga at your graduation.
Cheer for you when you’re too tired or too overwhelmed to cheer for yourself.
Stay up with you through them long nights.
Drop your fine ass off at the hospital for your shift and pick you up when you’re finished so you won’t have to drive sleepy, heartbroken, or overstimulated with whatever you’ve had to deal with at work.
Probably have some babies. You want babies, Hyphen? ”
“After I’ve walked across the stage, I’m open to having a child.”
“A child?” He laughed.
“We have to have one and see how that goes before we think about another one.”
“Fair enough.”
I yawned. My ear was pressed against Flocco’s chest. I could hear every beat of his heart. My heart.
Thank you. I told God. Thank you.
Three weeks passed before I felt remotely close to myself again. My face had healed. My life was evolving. And the pieces that had been shattered were being put back together one day at a time.
Zeek’s presence didn’t surprise me. I’d searched for a death certificate online, hoping one didn’t appear. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if he’d died in the fire. Neither would I have been able to live with myself if I would’ve stayed.
One rule I would always abide by was to leave. Leave situations. Leave marriages. Leave relationships. Leave jobs. Leave houses. Leave careers. Leave teams. Leave friends. Leave family. Leave cities. Leave.
The audacity to leave the first time is a woman’s superpower. The audacity to leave at all is her greatest strength. Because, more often than not, staying is easier. Less painful. Less chaotic.
Eventually, he’d find his way to Dooley. Not only because I’d left our home in the middle of the night with a duffle bag full of his money, but because deep down, he believed I’d always belong to him. Frankly, I had too. He had not only come for his money. He’d come for me.
Discovering Flocco was my lover was the first blow.
Knowing he and Flocco shared a father and he’d been the chosen child was the second blow.
Denying him was another heavy blow.
And, finally, refusing to tell him where his money was sent him over the edge.
So many times Zeek had confided in me about the strained relationship between him and his father.
Yet, he’d never told me that the weekend we met during his visit to Dooley was the weekend he ended his father’s life.
Neither had he told me he had a brother.
Or a stepmother. Or a harbored hatred for them all.
My heart ached as I replayed everything from that night.
His forced entry into my home. The fighting.
The growing exhaustion that allowed him to overpower me.
The fists to the rib cage. To the stomach.
To the face. The struggle over the gun. The blessing that led to the gun falling between the mattress and bedframe due to the constant movement of my body as I fought for my life.
His skin.
His body.
His voice.
His presence.
I’d been sleeping with the enemy and was clueless.
After emptying his clip in Zeek, Flocco didn’t move. He unlocked his cellphone and called the authorities. He was licensed to carry. Zeek had forced his entrance. And, my badly bruised body was evidence of what was happening in my home. No charges were filed. Handcuffs never met Flocco’s wrist.
That night, he carried me to his car and drove me to his home where I’d been ever since. I hadn't visited my home. However, I was growing anxious and could feel the desire to return creeping up in my bones.
“Any questions?” Professor Ingrid asked.
My eyes traveled across the room, waiting for a hand to go up in the air.
Good.
After a few seconds of silence passed, I shoved my books in my backpack and stood. My bag slid onto my shoulders easily. Since returning, I chose to sit at the back of the classroom. Some things still hurt after that night. Specifically my rib cage.
I’d taken several blows to the stomach and the sides. The trauma of my face looked much worse than it was due to my skin complexion, but it was my body that hurt the worst.
And my pride.
And my ego.
I burst through the classroom doors, headed for the exit. Neverending skin. Soft lips. A pearly smile. Long legs. And arms that I had begun to call home waited beyond the glass doors.
I picked up speed, pushing through the pain. The doors parted. The air kissed my skin. My body was taken by the winds. I was home again. Wrapped in his arms, hoisted in the air.
Legs wrapped around his body. Head tucked between his shoulder and neck. I missed him every second. Every minute. Every hour we were apart.
“What’s up, Trouble?”
“I missed you.”
“Yeah? How much you miss a nigga?”
“So much.”
“You ready to go home?”
“I’m at home,” I sighed.
He was safe and I was afraid. But, loving him through fear intensified our connection.
No longer did I feel the need to earn my respect or make Flocco feel my pain.
Everything Flocco gave me was because he knew I rightfully deserved it and I didn’t have to work for it anymore.
He supplied it willingly and freely. So much of it that I couldn’t breathe some days and I couldn’t sleep some nights.
So we stayed up. For hours and hours. Talking and touching. Laughing and loving. Exploring and exhaling. Growing and groaning and moaning.
As he’d promised, Flocco was building a world around mine, which still revolved around me. No longer was he the man to see in Dooley. He spent his days clearing out and refreshing the shop his father once loved.
The grand opening was only two weeks away.
The entire hood was waiting. Everyone was ready to spend their money with Flocco.
They knew what he’d lost and they understood what regaining possession meant.
Scheduled maintenance was booked until late winter.
Every day someone called to be added to his list.
Hearing him speak business made a mess of my panties. I wasn’t sure it was possible, but Flocco got finer by the hour. Every time I saw him in that jumper with that cap on his head, I wanted to lick the head of his dick.
“The other home?”
“Mine or yours.”
“Mine,” he clarified.
“Um hmm.”
Still in his arms, he walked me over to his car. He never opened the door. He retrieved my backpack and lowered me inside, top dropped and the engine still running. The music was low and the interior lights were glowing.
Within seconds he was beside me. He reached into the backseat and returned with a blue bag. He placed it between us as my mouth fell agape.
“What is this?”
“Just something to let you know how proud I am of you.”
“For?”
“Existing,” he chuckled. “And for going to school. I know it ain’t about to be easy, but I’m going to make it as easy as I can on you, Trouble. Cause, I’m trying to fuck you in them scrubs on your break when them patients stressing you out.”
I blushed. My entire face swelled with a smile.
“Thank you.”
I dug into the bag, pulling out a massive box.
“Baby– what have you gott– Ohhhhhh.”
The prettiest golden-colored MacBook was pictured on the box.
“Stop it.”
“You like it?” He asked, genuinely curious.
“I love it. Thank yoooouuuuu.”
I leaned over, pulling him near enough to kiss.
“I got you that other one, too. The one you can plug into the wall. That motherfucker at the house.”
“Shut up!” I shrieked.
“Real shit. You been at the library late and shit. I don’t mind it cause it gives us some quality time, some chill time together, but I know you’d rather be at home. In your own world. Doing your thang. Making sure you’re not missing any deadlines.”
“Yes… To all of that.”
“Strap up, baby.”
As the words came from Flocco’s mouth, he shifted gears.
I pulled my seatbelt over my body and pressed my new computer against my body.
The fresh wind whipped my hair in every direction.
I didn’t care. Not about messing up my silk press or the humidity.
I didn’t care much about anything. For once, nothing mattered. Nothing at all.