Chapter 41
Dex
“Wow,” Daniela says, looking around my house as I lead her inside. “Very modern.”
“Uh-huh.”
We didn’t speak the whole way back here. I hadn’t had anything to drink in hours, besides those few sips of Daniela’s whiskey, so I drove her here.
I wouldn’t say I’m pissed at her, but I’m disappointed. She completely flaked on me halfway through the wedding. Again.
I need to know what the hell is going on in that infuriatingly gorgeous head of hers if I’m going to keep pursuing her like a fool.
Why can’t I turn away? I don’t know. The tension between us could be cut with a knife.
I love battling her. I know she’s fiercely loyal and loving deep down, but she doesn’t give that out easily, and I respect that.
I’m drawn to her like a moth to a fucking flame.
I know she feels it too, and I know she wants to let me in. I’ve seen it in her eyes, in her body language. Otherwise, I wouldn’t still be trying. But something is holding her back.
“Are you hungry?”
“Actually…yes.” She flashes me an apologetic look, like she needs to be sorry for being hungry.
“I’ll make you something.”
Surprise flashes across her face. “You’ll—”
“Zip it.” I cut her off. “I am capable of cooking. Let me take care of you.”
She wants to smile but fights it. I can see the battle warring all over her face.
“Our last meal together,” she says cryptically. “Better make it good.”
“What? Why would it be—"
“You won’t want to talk to me tomorrow.”
“Daniela, you’re killing me. Just talk to me.”
“Can I eat first? I’m anxious, I’m a little drunk, and I’m starving. At least let me fix one of them before we have this conversation. My stomach is going through it.”
“That’s fair. ”
I whip her up a grilled cheese with tomato soup. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s a solid meal. Good for soaking up the alcohol. I know from experience.
“This is really good,” she comments after a few bites.
“I appreciate the lack of surprise in your tone.” I’m leaning back against the kitchen counter with my arms crossed, just watching her eat. I’m not in any rush.
And somehow, I’m not hungry right now.
She looks up at me. Her eyes are sad. I wish I could make it go away, but I can’t help her if I don’t know what’s wrong.
“I haven’t had a good connection with a woman in years, you know,” I sigh, ready to release some shit so that it might help her open up. “Until you came strutting into my life with all that sass.”
She sighs in resignation, setting down her grilled cheese. Her eyes turn downward.
“And I was doing just fine with my whole ‘don’t let any man get too close’ thing. Until you came along.”
“And why do you have that rule?”
She shakes her head. Shutting me out again. I huff out a breath in disappointment.
“No, it’s just…I don’t want to get into my screwed-up past right now. We all have shit we’ve had to deal with. That’s not really what I need to tell you.”
“I was in Sacramento, you know. Not too long after Thanksgiving, when your messages went from super short to nonexistent. I was there for business, but I wanted to see you. Like an idiot. Of course, you never wrote me back.”
“When?” she asks, her voice faint.
“First week of February, I think?”
She stares at me, fear written all over her face. Then she rests her elbows on the counter and places her head in her hands.
“What is it?”
She raises her head again, meeting my gaze. A tear streaming down her cheek.
“I was pregnant.”
Ice fills my veins. I think my mouth hangs open as I look into her eyes. A long time passes before I think of what to say. “Was?”
She shakes her head, looking away. “I didn’t know for a while.
The sickness set in later than I think is normal.
After a couple weeks of feeling like death and vomiting every couple days in January, I finally put the pieces together.
I took a home test that confirmed it. Then I made an appointment to get it confirmed by a doctor.
I was already ten weeks. Ten. Did you know… ”
She pauses, taking a breath as several tears fall down her cheeks now. But I’m frozen in place. I’m hanging onto every word.
“Did you know there’s already a heartbeat at ten weeks?” Her voice trembles. “They did an ultrasound…I saw…I saw him. I heard the heartbeat.”
She pinches her nose, leaning her head down .
“Dani…”
“Let me finish,” she says, not meeting my eyes.
She’s somewhere else right now, reliving this, struggling to get it out.
“I went home after, completely in shock. Somehow, I had never felt more alone. I didn’t expect…
obviously we didn’t plan that. We spent one night together the very first night we met, and then were forced together through a traumatic situation with Liam’s accident. But I…I wanted it…”
She pauses again, wiping her eyes.
“Well, it didn’t matter, anyway. I was going to tell you. I swear I was. I was just…working up the nerve. But…not a few days after the appointment, the bleeding started.”
That far-off look crosses her face again as I hold a hand over my mouth.
“Eleven weeks is…pretty far along, apparently, for a miscarriage. It was…rough. I took a few days off school, spent the time by myself, processing, and then I shut everyone out because I didn’t… I didn’t know how to talk about it.”
“You were all alone?” I ask her weakly.
She nods her head, still avoiding my eyes. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers.
“What?” I’m genuinely caught off guard, wondering why she’s apologizing to me right now.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I waited so long. I didn’t know how to tell you…I didn’t tell anyone. I haven’t told this story out loud before,” she says weakly .
I push off the counter and go to her, wrapping her into my arms. She lets me hold her—then begins to shake with tears as she stands and clings to me, releasing it all into my chest. I get the feeling that she’s been holding this in tightly for a long time.
Refusing to feel it. Probably driving herself crazy with guilt when nothing about it was her fault.
I don’t know how long we stay like that, with her crying into me, and me holding her, running my hand through her hair, squeezing her as tightly as I can.
Eventually, I scoop her up and lead her into my bedroom. The tears have stopped, but she looks emotionally drained.
I help her sit on the edge of my bed while I gently unzip her dress and slide it off. She doesn’t protest. I pull one of my large T-shirts over her head, and it drowns her completely. She settles onto her side beneath the covers without hesitation.
I change quickly and slide in beside her. I can’t see her face, but I can tell by her breathing that she’s still awake. I reach out and gently stroke her hair.
I can’t imagine what that must have been like, to go through that all alone. She’s the strongest person I know. And I hate that she thinks she needs to apologize to me.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” I whisper.
She turns to face me. Her eyes are red and swollen, but she still looks beautiful to me .
“I should have told you,” she says softly. “I waited way too long.”
I shake my head. “No. Please don’t beat yourself up over that. I’m not mad at you. I have no idea what it was like for you, but I get that it was hard for you to talk about. I just wish I could have been there for you…I would have been, Dani.”
“I know that now,” she whispers.
“You said…” I pause, swallowing hard. “You said ‘him’?”
Her eyelids lower. “They did a blood test at my appointment. They called me with the results…after I’d already lost him.”
She raises her eyes to mine, grief carved deep into them.
“I know we barely knew each other, but…I wanted to keep him. I started…getting excited. Before…”
I pull her into me again, tighter this time, and hold her like I’ll never let go. I rest my chin on her head as her breathing begins to slow, her body gradually relaxing against mine.
A single tear slides down my cheek.