Chapter 10
This is it. We’re going to capsize. I’m going to drown.
For someone who loves water so much, isn’t that fitting?
For a brief moment, frozen in time, I picture my mom. I see Sophie and her girls. And I even see my dad. But the last face to join them is Logan’s.
I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I’m this stupid.
I got the gift of a second chance with him. Something I never thought I would get again. It was a chance to explore what I truly felt—what I’ve always felt, deep down, even though I never faced it head-on.
And if this is truly my last moment, this means I’ve squandered that chance. And for what? To ‘work on myself’? To take even longer than I’ve already taken to figure out why I can’t just be happy?
I deserve this.
The wave crashes against the side of the boat, and suddenly I’m flying back. There’s a thud against my back and a splash of freezing cold, and I realize we haven’t capsized; the wave merely hit us.
Logan is next to me at the bottom of the boat, coughing up a storm. The splash from the wave must have hit him in the face. At least he’s still got his glasses on his face.
“Logan!” I crawl to him and place a hand on his thigh, using it to pull myself onto my knees. He looks rattled but otherwise okay. I’m filled with relief, even though my body is shaking with the cold and the adrenaline.
When he finally manages to stop coughing, he looks straight at me. His eyes are big and wild. “It’s okay.”
“What if there’s a bigger one? What if?—”
His hand moves to cup the side of my face. “I’m here. This thing won’t capsize. Trust me.”
Time stops again. Suddenly there’s no storm, no ocean, no wind around us. There’s nothing but the two of us on this boat, and I’m not ruining this second chance.
Before I know it, I’ve leaned forward, and my lips are on his. There’s a moment of hesitation—a single split second—before Logan’s soft, warm mouth yields to mine. I gasp against him and part my lips for his tongue; I taste the salt of the ocean, but also something else that’s undeniably Logan. Even though my body should be cold to the bone, I feel so hot that I think I’m going to dissolve in the rain.
With one hand still pressed against his thigh, I bring my other hand to wrap around his back and grab at his shoulder. His body moves with mine, and he wraps one arm around the small of my back to pull me closer. The contact burns at my skin, and I’m craving for more of this, more of him.
The hand that cupped my face slips into my hair as I lean into him. He lets out a low groan, which vibrates in my skull and lights me up like a thousand stars. The pressure of his chest against mine, of his hands pressing me closer, his mouth exploring mine … it’s all frantic, urgent as if I’m about to slip between his fingers. I’ve sparked something within him I didn’t know was there.
And I realize I’m not dissolving with the rain; rather, we’re dissolving together into one entity.
There’s a jolt from the side, which pulls me back to reality; another wave. I pull away from his mouth, even though my body is fighting to stay. “We need to get back,” I rasp.
His eyes are hazy, his gaze intense. “Right.” Like a robot that’s just been voice-activated, he pulls away from our embrace and takes a seat back at the controls.
The wind and the rain are still going crazy around us, but they’ve already calmed down a lot more than before. The waves surrounding the Zodiac are nothing like they were just a few minutes ago. It’s only a matter of time before this storm is over, but we can’t take any chances. So Logan starts navigating us back into the fray, somehow knowing the way in the grey darkness.
* * *
We make our way back in a strange silence. There’s a multi-faceted tension in the air, and I can’t tell what it is I’m feeling. On the one hand, I’m still reeling from staring down the wave I thought would be my undoing. And the storm, while calmer now, is still very present and looming around us. We’re not safe yet.
On the other hand …
The feel of Logan’s mouth on mine still lingers there. I don’t know if my heart is hammering away because I was just scared shitless or because our lips finally met. The touch of hands in my hair and on the small of my back still lingers like a phantom.
Logan is fully focused on steering the Zodiac and getting us safely back to shore, which leaves me alone in my own head. The worst place to be.
Even though the moment has passed, I still feel frozen within it, like it’s playing on repeat through my body and mind. And one thing is clearer than anything else—Logan kissed me back. There’s no doubt about it. I’m not alone. What I’ve been feeling over the past few weeks isn’t one-sided.
I don’t know how to feel about that.
I’d promised myself I would hold back on these feelings for Logan. I’d promised I would figure my shit out first and not drag him in it. This is why I’m here. Yes, I’m writing copy for a fancy retreat website, but deep down, that’s never what this was about. Because being completely uninspired for this website isn’t the problem—it’s a symptom.
A symptom of whatever disease has been crawling through my spirit like a parasite, leeching away my strength. My energy. My creativity. My courage.
It’s no wonder Jasper left. Him leaving was never the reason I struggled to write this website in the first place. It was just a consequence—another symptom.
The night of our breakup, Jasper had said, “You know what? I’m done,” his words dropping like a bomb as he crashed on the couch. He hadn’t looked angry, or hurt, or sad. He’d just looked … tired. Exhausted. “We’re over.”
“Wait,” I’d cried out, standing in front of the couch like an idiot. The tears had burned the back of my throat like acid. “What do you mean we’re over?”
He’d looked back at me, eyes full of … pity. It had made me sick. It had made me realize he was serious. “I mean, I can’t do this anymore.”
“What are you talking about?” Part of me had wanted to get close to him, cup his face, and try to kiss it all away … but I’d stayed frozen in the same stupid spot. “Where is this coming from?”
“I’m just … forget it,” he’d said with a deep sigh as he rubbed his face with his hand. “You can keep the place. I’ll go to Italy like I was supposed to, then I’ll figure out where to go. You don’t need to worry about that.”
“No, no, just wait a second.” I could barely get the words out. “You can’t just leave. This is coming out of nowhere. Come on—this is us.”
“I’m sorry, Avery. I’ve made up my mind.”
“No!” Panic had started to rise in my chest. “I need to know why! What did I do? Can you at least tell me what I did?”
His gaze had been stone-cold as he’d delivered the final blow:
“No, Avery, I’m done. I’m moving on. And so should you.”
He’d refused to give me an explanation. And I think I know why. He believed he was doing me a kindness by refusing to speak the real reason out loud.
You’re not who you were. I loved you because you were a ray of sunshine. I would have killed just to make sure I could keep seeing that smile every day. And when that was the case, I could deal with the panic attacks. I could deal with your anxiety. They were like a package deal, two sides of the same coin. My little ray of sunshine who sometimes has a chaotic mind. But now? For months you’ve been going downhill. You barely go out. You’re like a shell of a person now.
That was the truth we both knew, but he would never say it. Jasper always hated big confrontations, so he’d just refused to explain and left.
Like everyone always does.
Just like Dad.
I feel a pressure building up behind my eyes, a lump choking my throat. Despite having been with Jasper for so long, I’m not angry or upset anymore. I think I’ve accepted that he’s gone. But my dad?
The man who always believed I could accomplish great things. Who would wipe my tears away when it was time for him to leave for another work trip. Who constantly promised he would always, always be there for me. That he loved me more than anything else in the entire world.
This man is now down south somewhere, gone from my life, from Mom’s life. At first, when he decided not to come back from his next work trip, things were still normal between us. Of course I was devastated for my mom, but if he was no longer happy here, then I was happy for him to go chase that happiness elsewhere. Now that I’m an adult and no longer in school, he didn’t need to be tied down to the family life that seemed to choke him.
But at least he talked to me. He responded to my calls. He checked up on me. Even flew me down there one February for my birthday.
Now I can barely tell whether he’s alive or not. For all I know, his girlfriend could be holding him hostage in their basement and telling me everything is okay. Maybe the shame of leaving so suddenly finally caught up with him and he can’t face me. Or maybe he wanted a fresh start with no daughter to tie him down.
Because even when he said he’d always be there for me, it was never true.
“I can see the docks!”
Logan’s voice brings me out of my reverie. I look to where he’s pointing, and he’s right. The rain is clearing, and there, not too far away, the docks are coming into view. I’m not going to die at sea. What a relief.
Except relief isn’t the only thing that washes through me when the Zodiac finally touches the dock. Fear is just as present, if not more. Because now that our lives aren’t in imminent danger anymore, we won’t be able to avoid the conversation for very long.
What does this kiss mean? I didn’t stop to think about the implications on the boat. I know what I feel, but I can’t help but think I’m taking a huge risk that just won’t pay off. I’m only here for a short while, and so is Logan. Neither one of us is meant to stay. And what if he only kissed me back because of the adrenaline rush of being alive? Will I have enough time to figure it out if I pursue this?
I’m supposed to be here for work. To be alone. There’s no way I have enough time to know what’s happening between us before my stay is up. And even if Logan were to offer me a place to stay in the meantime, which is a huge jump?—
Calm down, Avery—you just kissed, he didn’t propose!
But even if he were to do that, he’s leaving, too. And what happens next? I can’t do this. Not again. Then I’ll be right back where I began.
Without skipping a beat, Logan hops off the Zodiac and starts tying it back to the dock, single-minded to the task at hand. I don’t move from the seat. Even though it’s still raining and I’m freezing, I don’t dare move until he tells me what to do.
From the corner of my eye, I see Yasser running straight towards us, looking crazed and shocked. I didn’t know a man his age could run that fast. “Thank God you’re safe! That storm came out of nowhere! I was so worried about you two.” He kneels next to Logan, who’s busy tying rope, and pulls the rope from his hand. “Give me that. Bring yourself and that sweet girl inside to get warm. I’ll finish up.” Logan nods at Yasser, looking a bit shell-shocked, and finally stands back up.
Now he’s staring at me. He extends his hand to me, which I hesitate to grab at first. Who knows what that will do to me. But then I remember that I’m ridiculously short, and that going inside to hide from the rain will be the best thing to happen all season.
Maybe apart from that kiss. Or was that the worst thing? Ugh, I don’t know.
I take Logan’s hand, and our eyes lock for what seems like an eternity before he pulls me out of the boat. For once, I can’t read his gaze. His thoughts are a mystery and it’s eating me up. Does he regret what we did? Is he just still in shock? These questions bounce through my head as we run inside Yasser’s shop.
Unsurprisingly, there’s no one inside. Who in their right mind would come here during such a storm? I guess we did … but this storm wasn’t on the radar. I’m about to stop walking, since we made it inside, but Logan, who hasn’t let go of my hand yet, keeps pulling me forward. I follow without question as he leads us through a door marked ‘Staff Only.’ I’m assuming Yasser is okay with us coming back here since they know each other so well.
Inside is what appears to be a break room of sorts. The room is small but cozy, with a large window overlooking the stormy sea outside. There’s a fridge and a couple of couches on one side, with a small table and a few chairs on the other. Only once we’re right in the middle of this room does Logan stop and spin to face me.
I don’t have a single second to say anything before he pulls me into an embrace. His arms are tight around my shoulders. Slowly, I wrap my own arms around him, burying my face in his soaked chest. I smell the ocean and sweat and something else that’s undeniably Logan. The same scent I detected all those years ago when he held me in his room as I cried my heart out the night Dad said he wouldn’t make it to graduation.
“I’m so sorry,” Logan blurts out, his voice cracking slightly. “This was my fault. I never should have …”
My heart sinks. So he does regret it. He probably just kissed me back because I was the closest thing to him in a moment fuelled with panic. There could have been a complete stranger on board next to him, and he might have accepted a kiss from her, too. But it just happened to be me.
“No, no, it’s okay,” I interrupt. I pull away from his chest and am immediately stopped by the look in his eyes.
This isn’t the look of a man who’s sorry he just kissed the woman who was once his best friend. No—he is terrified. There’s something completely wild about the lightning dancing in the hazel of his eyes.
“It is not okay,” he interrupts back. Now he’s holding the side of my arms tightly, as if I might still be taken by the wind. “I was cocky. I should have turned around as soon as I noticed the sky was getting dark. There I was, thinking that you can steer a Zodiac one or two times and suddenly become an expert in windy weather like this. I wanted so goddamn hard to make you have a great day, and instead, I put your life in danger like an idiot. I am so, so, sorry, Avery.”
So he wasn’t talking about the kiss. The fact that this could somehow have been his fault hadn’t crossed my mind. Not even for one second. But I don’t want to play ‘sorry’ ping-pong back and forth. Not right now.
Not until I figure out what the hell happened on that boat.
Because no matter how much I think it’s a terrible idea, and no matter how much it terrifies me, I cannot deny, in that moment, as he’s holding me closely, that I want it to happen again. And I want him to want it for real, not because of the moment.
“Logan.” I stare straight into his terrified gaze. “I don’t care. We’re okay. We made it back. You got us back.” I give him a soft smile. “You were pretty awesome out there, Captain.”
Logan chuckles without humour. “But I care. God, Avery, if anything happened to you… I finally got you back, and now?—”
“Logan,” I interrupt him again. “I need to know. Did you mean it?”
“Mean what?”
“The kiss, Logan.” I brace myself. “I meant it. Did you mean it when you kissed me back?”
He stares at me, and behind his eyes I can see his thoughts going a mile a minute. “How could I not?” he asks in an incredulous tone.
Before I can respond, his mouth is on mine.