Chapter 14
The wind ruffles through my hair, bringing the scent of saltwater with it. The boulder is hard against my back, but I can’t bring myself to care enough to switch positions.
I’m staring out at the ocean, watching each wave lap the pebbles at my feet. The sun is bright against my eyes; I should have put on sunscreen before heading here. But I wasn’t really thinking. All I knew was that I needed out of my cabin.
There’s no use trying to get into flow today. I could already tell from the moment I placed my fingers on the keyboard. It didn’t stop me from trying for a good two hours, but here I am regardless.
After Logan came back to the table, his mood had very clearly shifted. He was no longer wearing the dark look from before, but gone was the excitement, the lightness, the care. He just seemed … tired. And I didn’t dare ask him what the phone call had been about. I couldn’t bring myself to, even though I wanted to know more than anything else at that moment.
So we finished our meals without much else to say. At least, I finished my meal. Logan hardly touched his. Then he drove me back to my cabin, saying he’d be calling it a night. He felt queasy, he’d said.
Of course, this being Logan, he was apologetic and sweet about it. And he didn’t leave before kissing me goodnight and leaving me wanting for more. Still, I can’t stop thinking about the way his entire face changed when he saw who was on the other end of that phone call.
A million scenarios swim through my mind. An ex-girlfriend come to haunt me. His doctor letting him know he has cancer. A loan shark calling in his debt under threat of breaking both his legs and killing his new girlfriend while at it.
This is stupid. The ex-girlfriend is the most plausible, but even then, Logan has given me nothing to make me believe I should be worried. And unless he lied to me, he did say he hasn’t really gotten close to anybody, so even that scenario isn’t so likely. Whatever it is, he’s not ready to talk about it.
But the possibilities weigh on my chest. After all, if it was just something silly, couldn’t he have let it go to voicemail while we enjoyed our date? No—whatever it was, it was serious enough to interrupt the perfect moment we’d been having.
Unless he didn’t perceive that moment the same way I did. After all, if he truly cares about me as much as I care about him, wouldn’t he want to tell me about whatever is going on? Wouldn’t he want to confide in me and ask for my support? Wouldn’t he want me to stand by him as he deals with whatever is on the other end of that line?
I know I would. If I received a devastating phone call, the first thing I would want to do is cry on his shoulder.
It’s dizzying to realize how deep these feelings for Logan go. Even now as I’m staring out at the sea, my entire body aches for him.
I’m pulled from the innards of my thoughts by a voice that’s calling my name. I stand and turn towards the short cliff where my cabin stands, and there she is—Sophie. Tall and elegant, waving at me from afar with baby Heather strapped to her chest.
Warmth and relief flood through me at the sight of her. I run back towards the cliff, already silently thanking her for making the trek all the way to Cape Breton just to speak to her crazy best friend, because what I need more than anything right now is a friend. And not one who’ll sweep me off my feet and make me cry out their name in the dark.
“Holy shit!” she screams at me as I’m making my way up the wooden stairs that lead up the cliff. “This place is sick! Just look at this view!”
“I know, right?” I’m about to hug her, but with Heather in the baby holder, I’m not too sure how to proceed. Sophie laughs and pulls me in a hug anyway, careful not to squeeze Heather too tightly in between us.
“This better be inspiring for you,” she laughs in my ear. “Otherwise, I’d say you’re pretty much doomed.” We break apart, and Sophie takes a good look at me. “Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but you certainly don’t look inspired.”
“I’ve had a weird day,” I explain. And a weird night. I kept waking up after the same nightmare, over and over again. It was of Logan drowning after falling from that stupid Zodiac. Every time, there was nothing I could do but watch helplessly as the waves overtook him.
So, no, I don’t look my best this morning. I don’t own the type of makeup Sophie has, the type that would hide these dark shadows under my eyes. I also haven’t taken the time to change from my flannel shorts and stained T-shirt I used as pyjamas.
Sophie, on the other hand, is positively radiant. You can hardly tell she’s been wrangling an infant or just got off a last-minute flight. Picture a supermom in your mind, and that’s Sophie. “I met your guy, by the way,” she tells me as we’re walking back to my cabin.
My insides clench. I hadn’t even thought about my two best friends meeting. And without me there? I hope it wasn’t a disaster. “Oh,” I simply say, afraid to ask how it was.
But of course, Sophie goes on. “He’s super cute. And also not too tall for you.” Sophie is, in fact, taller than Logan. Not that I mind. “I can definitely see the appeal. So how was it?”
I flush at the memory of the two of us entangled in my bed. But it’s immediately overshadowed by last night. How weird he acted. And how I’m still not sure what to think of it. “It made me realize how much Jasper and I were actually kind of incompatible,” I explain. Even though the words are there, my tone is off, and I know Sophie will sniff me out.
“But?”
“But he’s being really weird, Soph.”
“Weird how?”
I recount the events at dinner last night as we both sit at the picnic table just outside my cabin. Sophie nods along as she takes her daughter out of the baby carrier and starts breastfeeding her.
“Okay, yeah, I can see why this would make you worried,” Sophie starts, “but honestly, Avery? It could be a myriad of things. And even if he cares a ton about you, you can’t assume he’ll want to spill his guts on all the shit that might be going on in his life right now. He’s a guy. You know how closed-off guys can be.”
I grunt in response.
“Take Matthew, for instance.” Sophie pauses to adjust Heather’s position at her chest, then sighs. Did I just see her roll her eyes? “If I didn’t constantly ask, I would never know what’s bothering him. Like, I know we’ve had a baby not so long ago, but if I hadn’t asked him what was up, I don’t know if we would have slept together since I gave birth.”
“So what was up?”
Sophie opens her mouth, then smirks at me. “Oh, no you don’t. This isn’t about me. I’ll rant about Matthew later.” Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes at her. “Anyway, if I were you, I wouldn’t worry about it. Whatever Logan’s going through right now, it probably has nothing to do with you.” She suddenly jerks her head to look at me intently. “Oh, by the way, I invited him out to lunch, just the three of us!”
My eyes go wide. “You did what?”
“Well, how else do you expect me to get to know him and decide if I approve of him?”
Deep down, I know she’s probably right. Sophie and Logan getting to know each other is the logical next step, especially if Logan truly is serious about something happening between us. But the two separate sides of my life colliding like this feels strange.
There’s too much out of my control.
As we head back to my cabin, Sophie lets me know we’re meeting at the lodge at noon to eat out on the patio. To kill time before then, both Sophie and Heather take a short nap while I shower.
When noon rolls around, I’m looking a bit more presentable. I changed into a clean pair of non-PJ shorts and a light blouse, and even though I couldn’t completely get rid of the dark circles, the shower did help revitalize me a bit. This is the best I’ll be able to do.
We head to the lodge’s patio together. Sophie and I get seated, and she leaves Heather in her baby carrier next to the table. She’s content to play with a crinkly toy next to her mother. It doesn’t take very long for Logan to come out of the lodge and find us.
As soon as he does, our eyes meet, and he doesn’t seem to notice how much of a mess I am. I don’t know exactly what he sees, but it makes his eyes mellow out and become alive. In fact, his entire posture changes. Seeing him like this is a soothing balm over whatever wound I’ve been tending to.
For that brief moment, I forget about last night, and I just want to rush into his arms. But I exercise some restraint, to be polite. At least, I think that’s what I’m supposed to do with Sophie here.
I scratch my throat and gesture to Logan. “Sophie, Logan, I believe you’ve already met?” My voice comes out high-pitched.
Logan looks at Sophie for a brief second. “Nice to see you again,” he says politely, right before leaning in to kiss me. The world stops moving, and Sophie’s no longer there—but too soon, the moment ends, and the kiss is over.
“So,” Sophie says as she crosses her arms on the table. She’s got a huge grin on her face. “You’re going to have to fill in a few gaps for me, Logan. Avery’s been my best friend since she arrived in Montreal, but I’ve hardly ever been able to pull anything out of her from the before times.”
The next hour is perfectly pleasant; Sophie and Logan get along well and each trade embarrassing stories about me from their respective time with me. I notice Sophie stays away from any stories featuring Jasper, which I’m thankful for.
At some point, Logan asks about our high school graduation prom, and I tense up. Sophie dives straight in: “Oh, yeah, you know what? I was never able to figure that one out. Avery didn’t even come. She went to graduation, received all her awards—that nerd—and then she skipped the prom afterwards. And I never got a straight answer on that one. Maybe you know something I don’t?” Sophie’s tone is playful, so I know she’s only trying to keep things light and fun. But Logan frowns, and I know he knows why I didn’t go.
He shoots me a questioning look. He doesn’t know how much I want him to say. I sigh and give him a slight nod.
Sophie is looking inquisitively at me, then at Logan.
“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s got to have something to do with our grade seven graduation party,” Logan explains. There’s a new sadness in his eyes, mixed with something more. I don’t know what he’s remembering, exactly. My face gets warm and my insides clench.
“Grade seven grad party?” Sophie asks, clearly puzzled.
“Remember how I arrived in Secondary Two?” I remind her. “Well, in Ontario, grade school stops at grade eight, and high school starts at grade nine. So I would have missed my grade school graduation.”
“Oh.” A look of understanding crosses her face. “So you had a grade seven party instead?”
“We tried,” Logan begins. He can see how painful it is for me to retell. How embarrassing. So he hesitates, unsure if I want him to continue.
“But as you know, Sophie,” I say with a sigh, “I’m not so good at making friends.”
The table falls silent for a moment. The air is heavy. Years later, it still cuts deep to remember how no one else showed up for me. It ended up being just Logan, me, and both our moms in Logan’s backyard. So, I didn’t want to be reminded of this when high school came to an end.
That’s why I didn’t go.
Sophie was my only real friend, but she had other friends apart from me, and they all had boyfriends while I’d just been dumped—which seems like a recurring theme for me. I didn’t want to feel like the odd one out.
“From the moment I met her when she first arrived, we were inseparable,” Logan explains, his voice soft. “But I guess no one else saw what I saw.”
“It’s a shame,” Sophie begins. “I never did understand because I find her to be absolutely awesome.” She gives me a big grin and places a hand on mine. “And anyone who can’t see it is either stupid or not worth our time. Or both. So I’m glad you’ve been able to see it, Logan.”
* * *
After lunch, Logan goes back to work, and Sophie and I head to the beach. I take her to a real sandy beach, Ingonish Beach, after which this town takes its name. While I love the beauty of the pebbly beach below the resort, I’ve been craving a sandy beach for a while, and I know Sophie loves them, too. Plus, it’s much easier to set down a baby in the sand.
Because Sophie seemingly plans for everything, she even brings a small pop-up beach tent specifically designed to keep babies in the shade. It’s a perfect day to be here; it’s hot but not too hot, the sun is out but not too scorching, and the waves aren’t as intense as other days. Other people are here, too, but not to the point where I feel claustrophobic or where we have to fight for a small spot of sandy estate.
Sophie lays her daughter down in the tent; Heather happily squeals and moves her little arms and legs with glee. Right as Sophie’s done tending to the infant, she turns to me with fiery intensity in her eyes. “So, you’ve got nothing to worry about,” she states as if she’s never been more certain of anything in her life.
“What do you mean?”
“That man is in love with you.”
I’m stunned, speechless. My fingertips feel numb. How would she even know such a thing? She’s known Logan for hardly more than a few minutes.
Sophie rolls her eyes. “I know that face. And believe me, I’m right. That man looks at you like you’re the eighth wonder of the world. Which, for the record, he’s not entirely wrong about.” She winks. “He’s sweet, he’s cute, and you’re letting your anxiety ruin a perfectly good thing if you don’t allow yourself to see that.”
“But how can you be sure? Love is a big word,” I argue. The doubt and dread are snaking through my veins like ice. “It’s pretty obvious he cares about me, but to go so far as to say he’s in love with me? And before you say it, I can’t ask him that! It’s mental. We’ve only been back in each other’s lives for, what, two weeks? Hardly that. So I can’t know for sure.”
“No, you can’t,” Sophie confirms in a dry tone. “But we can’t ever be sure of anything, ever. Except for one thing: I’m certain you’re going to be miserable if you come back from this trip alone. How long are you going to keep feeling sorry for yourself until you actually do something about it?”
“That’s the thing,” I say. My throat constricts as tears start to gather behind my eyes. “Maybe you’re right, but maybe you’re not, and it’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself … it’s that I’m not sure if I’m …”
Maybe I’m too broken and messed up for this to work.
“Honey.” Sophie grabs me by the shoulders and looks squarely into my eyes. Her gaze is intense. “Honestly. I know you think you’re kind of fucked up or whatever … but believe me. We all are. At least to some degree. You think I don’t cry myself to sleep in exhaustion some nights? Well, I do. You think I don’t want to murder Matthew some days when he’s annoying the hell out of me or leaving his dirty socks all over the place? Of course I do.
“But that doesn’t stop me from showing up and doing what I do best. Being a mom. Running my business. Being an absolutely amazing partner to Matthew. I can do all of that, and I still have parts of me that I’m ashamed of sometimes.”
I pause for a moment, taking all of that in. She’s got a point, I know. But she doesn’t know everything. She knows about my dad, and about the way I’ve been feeling for months, and about my anxiety. But she doesn’t know what I did to Logan. How I hurt him. And how this shame makes me doubt I truly deserve him, even if he truly is in love with me.
“We didn’t tell you the whole story about our grade seven grad party earlier,” I begin, feeling my chest tighten. I’ve never told this story out loud before. Well, I’ve never told it to anyone, period.
Sophie raises an eyebrow. “Go on.”
I take a deep breath, feeling my hands quiver. “After nobody came, we watched a movie with our moms, and then I stayed over at Logan’s place. Just before we went to bed, I downed my first drink. A rum and coke.”
Sophie makes a face. “Way to get started there, champ. You couldn’t start with a beer like normal teens?”
I ignore her comment and keep going, my stomach clenching. “Usually, I’d sleep in a cot in his room, but this was going to be the last time I’d sleep over at his place. We were packing the next day and moving right after that, so I asked him if I could sleep in his bed.”
This time, Sophie doesn’t make an attempt at a witty comment.
“This being Logan, of course, he said yes. And I fell asleep on his chest. The sound of his heart beating against my ear lulled me to sleep.” I take another deep breath. “I woke up in the middle of the night, and somehow we were spooning. He had his arm around me, but I don’t think he noticed. He was fast asleep. We probably ended up there by accident, without even meaning it. It’s like it was the most natural thing in the world for us to end up like that. And by then, I was still feeling a bit … uninhibited from that rum going through my tiny thirteen-year-old body.”
This is so stupid. Why am I struggling to tell this part? It’s not even that big of a deal. After all, Logan and I had sex just yesterday morning. This old piece of our history shouldn’t matter. Why should it?
Yet, somehow, it does. I’m nearly trembling by now.
“I felt him against my back. And … God, I don’t know, Sophie—I really don’t know what came over me. I’d never even kissed a boy by then. I think I was feeling turned on, but I’d never felt like that before. I was confused at the way it made my body feel. So I just let my body do what it wanted to do.”
“Wait … did you …” Sophie looks at me with big eyes.
“No, no, we didn’t have sex,” I explain. “We just fooled around a bit. And we kissed. My first kiss. His, too.” My ears are red-hot.
“Avery,” Sophie’s voice is no longer in her tough-love tone. She’s softer, quieter. “I’m pretty sure what you just described is perfectly normal. At thirteen, your hormones will get to you. Plus, you drank, and you shared a bed … I mean, I wouldn’t have expected anything less from two horny teens.”
“I just—” The tears are coming out now. “I felt so ashamed afterward. I wasn’t sure he was happy with what we did. I kind of just … went at it. What if he wasn’t ready? What if he didn’t see me that way?”
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Sophie reminds me. She scoots closer and wraps an arm around my shoulders. “Plus, now you know he does see you that way.”
“I’m no longer ashamed of that part,” I sob. “I’m ashamed of what I did because of that shame I felt back then. That’s what I did wrong.”