Chapter 17
It’s Saturday, and because I’ve made such good progress on the website, I decide to take the entire day off. During my last Zoom call with Leslie, she loved the new style. “Do more of that,” she said. I just hope I can keep it up before I run out of steam.
This is Logan’s day off as well, so he decides to take me to the Skyline Trailhead, one of the must-see areas of Cape Breton. The trailhead is one of many trails scattered around Cabot Trail, which surrounds the peak of Cape Breton like a ribbon. It’s all winding roads and stunning cliffside views to get there, and I’m so excited to see Skyline that I barely even think about what’s been on my mind recently.
Although Logan and I talk about pretty much everything, I’ve yet to crack the code on how to talk to him about his job. Not his summer job at the lodge, but his real job, the one in San Francisco for which he abandoned his home and family. And now that my days at the resort are nearing their end, I’m starting to feel the pressure of what’s next. It’s creeping in slowly, more and more every day. After about a week of this routine, I know I need to crack him open and make some progress on this topic, or else I’m going to be stuck going back home without any answers.
And I can’t have that.
“I just hope it’s not too foggy today,” Logan says as he’s pulling into the parking area of Skyline Trail.
“It doesn’t look foggy,” I tell him, confused. As I get out of the car, I look around; sure, there are some clouds in the sky, but it’s mostly sunny. There’s no sign of any sort of fog.
“From here, it doesn’t. But when we’re up there …” Logan points towards the forested area in front of us. That’s where the trail begins. “We’ll be high enough to dip into the clouds. And there are clouds today, so …”
“Okay, that is so cool.”
“It is, and it’s pretty eerie, but when I came on my own, I almost didn’t see anything at the top because of all the clouds.” Logan peers towards the sky, shielding his eyes with his hand. “It doesn’t look too bad right now. Maybe we’ll get lucky.” Then, he looks down at me and gives me one of his signature smiles. My insides go all gooey, and I reach to grab his hand.
The trail is nothing short of spectacular. And it’s so different from yesterday’s trek to the waterfalls. At first, it looks like any old trail in the woods; it’s forested and shadowy, but the trees are short enough to let the sun through. But as we venture further into the trail and higher up in altitude, the trees begin to recede, letting way for open, mountainous plains.
Now I begin to see what Logan meant. Below the trail, the mountain dips down, but we can’t see below; the clouds obscure the way. From here, it looks like thick fog. “There aren’t as many clouds as when I was here last time,” Logan explains. “I think that if we make it all the way to the top of the trail, we might see something more.”
I look around, completely enamoured with the beauty of this place. I’m no stranger to wilderness trails. Growing up in Western Ontario meant I had plenty of those lying around. But this place feels so different. We’re literally in the sky, above the clouds. Since the trees are sparse up here, the plains and mountains open up around us, displaying a lush landscape of colourful flowers and grass. I inhale deeply, awakening every sense I have. The scent is fresh, floral, and earthy.
“So, I need to know,” I begin as we walk. “Did high school suck for you as much as it did for me?”
Logan visibly cringes. “Well, it wasn’t that bad. Honestly, once we got to that point, I didn’t really get bullied or anything. It’s like people moved on and did their own thing. At least, that’s what I did.” He’s got a thoughtful look in his eyes. “Not to say it was a great experience, either. It was really lonely. There were the jocks and the guys who were into literature … but I was pretty much the only computer-obsessed nerd at that school. At least for the cohort I was in. So I didn’t even fit in with the other nerds.” He chuckles. “But that’s okay. I’ve always been fine on my own.” Then he turns his neck to look at me and grabs my hand. “Although, I much prefer to be here with you. You’re pretty much the only person I couldn’t get tired of.”
My heart skips a beat at the reminder that I matter to him. At the same time, my stomach drops a little. It sucks to know he was out there, all alone. Yet another reminder of the consequences of us moving away. Of me ghosting him.
If I’d kept talking to him, he could have had company, at least virtually.
I close my eyes for a moment and try to shake it off. I’m not going to sabotage myself. Not again. I told Sophie I could move past this. Stop feeling guilty for what is already done.
“I already know you just had Sophie,” he continues. His hand squeezes mine as if to comfort me. “I can see why. You two are, like … the opposite of each other. She’s like the extrovert that adopted you.”
“Yeah, pretty much,” I chuckle. Because that’s exactly what happened.
“Did you …” He looks hesitant. “Did you have any boyfriends in high school?”
“A few, actually.” But I don’t want to go there. My chest feels heavy at the memory. The truth is, the few relationships I had with guys from my high school days weren’t for the right reasons. Most of the time, I can’t even remember what I saw in them. All that mattered to me back then was that they wanted me. And that was good enough for me.
Logan frowns but immediately tries to fix his expression. “Cool.”
A giggle erupts out of me, and I pull his hand so he’ll stop walking. “Are you … jealous?”
His eyebrows go up as if he’s offended. “No! Well …”
“You are,” I tease, giving him a playful poke in the belly. But I poke too hard and hurt my finger against the hardness of his abs. “Ow.”
Now it’s his turn to laugh; before I can react, his arms move toward me and pick me up over his shoulder. I squeal in delight.
“Okay, yes, thinking of other guys touching you makes me feel jealous. What can I say?” He laughs as he spins me around once. I squeal again, and he carefully lowers me down in front of him. I’m dizzy from being up in the air but also from being drunk on all of him.
He doesn’t let me go when my feet hit the ground. Instead, his hands stay steady on my hips, the heat of his skin burning through the thin fabric of my legging shorts. He looks down at me with an intense twinkle in his eyes.
Logan moves one hand from my hip to my jaw; the soft contact ignites a thousand sparks within me. At that moment, I want to tell him the truth: I love him fiercely, with everything that I am and everything that I have.
But I can’t. Not yet. I can’t put all my cards on the table like this, not when I have no idea what he’s got planned next. What if it scares him off? What if it’s enough to make it all too much?
I can’t have him leave, not like the others.
His thumb strokes my jaw. “Where did you go?” he whispers, kissing the sensitive spot below my ear.
“I’m right here with you,” I whisper back before emitting a soft moan. My hands begin to travel around his back, just under the hem of his T-shirt.
“Hmm.” I’m not sure if he’s reacting to my touch or to what I said. I gasp when his teeth nibble at the spot where my neck and jaw meet. “You are now.” His breath is hot against my neck. Pressure starts mounting in my belly. But too soon, he pulls his face away, not letting go of my cheek. I’m confronted by the worried look in his hazel eyes. “Everything okay?”
“Yes,” I whisper in a pleading tone. I want his lips on me again.
He smiles. “Sorry if my boyfriend question made you go to a weird place.”
It’s my turn to smile. “Nah, right now you’re all I can think about.” His scent is intoxicating.
“God, I like the sound of that.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “But, for the record, this trail is much more popular than the waterfalls. I don’t think we can take that risk here.”
“Oh.” I drop my hands away from his back, unable to hide my disappointment. But he’s right.
“Holy shit.” Logan’s mouth falls open. He points forward. “Look.”
I twist to look where he’s pointing, and it’s my turn to gasp. It looks like we’ve made it to the top … the clouds have cleared at some point during our embrace.
In front of us is the whole world.
I can’t help but catch my breath as the land opens wide around me, a natural amphitheatre that’s both wild and wondrous. My shoes clack against the old wooden platform above this cliff, a remnant that feels like a handshake between the world we know and the untamed. Below, the coastline snakes into the mainland, a dance of deep greens against the blue vastness of the sea that stretches out like a restless beast.
I squint up at the sky, a sprawling stretch of the softest blues scattered with clouds that hint at far-off places and the echoes of ancient storms. The sun’s hanging up there, too, a generous dollop of gold, spilling its light all over the waves, making the whole ocean glint and gleam. The smell here—it’s something else. It’s like the sea and the pines are having their own kind of dance, twirling together and filling up my head with the kind of scent that makes you think of adventures.
It’s quiet, a kind of silence you can’t find just anywhere, a stillness that says this place hasn’t been rushed by time or touched by too many footsteps. I stand there, letting myself just breathe it all in, thinking that maybe, just for a little while, I could just be a part of it all.
“Holy shit, indeed.”
Logan steps onto the platform with me and gazes outward. I don’t know how much time passes while we simply admire the view before us. It feels like a part of me is floating above it all, taking it in.
After a moment, I look at Logan, who’s still gazing outward. Against this backdrop, I’m once again stunned that this man is real. Just looking at him makes my insides turn to mush. I have to concentrate to keep my knees from giving out. Somehow, I lucked out and got to have him in my life again.
And he wants me. This thoughtful, intelligent, kind, beautiful man wants me like I want him. My heart swells with the thought of it, so much so that I have to look away to keep my composure.
This is exactly why I have to get clarity on what happens next. Because I can’t bear the thought of going back to how my life was before. I can’t bear the thought of going home to my lonely apartment with too much time by myself to just think and get myself panicking. Now that I know what it is to live alongside Logan, that’s all I want.
“I bet they don’t have views like this in San Francisco,” I begin, feeling my hands start to shake. I’m scared to venture here. But I have to.
“Actually, that’s not quite true,” Logan corrects me with a humorous look. Immediately, I realize how stupid my comment was. San Francisco is in California. Of course they have views like this. “But I’ll be honest … I didn’t really make the most of it.”
“Why not? You were quite the wilderness lover back in the day.”
Right away, I can see I’ve said the wrong thing. His smile vanishes.
“Working at a startup is … gruelling. So finding time to do that other stuff …” His voice trails off. He’s not speaking with his usual self-assured tone. It doesn’t seem like he wants to dive deeper into the subject, but I have to know.
“Speaking of which, have you thought about what you’re going to do? After the summer?” I take a deep breath. “I know you said you didn’t know. But, as you probably know, my time here is coming to an end pretty soon, so I want to know where that leaves us. Should I be planning a move to San Francisco, or what?”
Logan is quiet for a moment. He doesn’t look at me. “No, I don’t think so.”
My stomach sinks. I’m not sure whether he doesn’t think so because he’s not going back to San Francisco or because he doesn’t want me there. “Oh. Okay. So, are you going to be working from home after this and moving back to Canada, or …” I trail off, hoping he’s going to finish my sentence.
“I …” He looks down. With his face like this, I can’t read his gaze. “I guess I’m still figuring it out.”
“Okay, cool, cool,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady. I can’t figure out what’s going on, and I don’t want to come across as needy, but it comes out anyway. “Well, I’d love for you to keep me in the loop when you figure it out. Because, from where I’m standing, it certainly looks like you’re treating this as a summer fling.”
He jerks his head up at me. There’s hurt in his eyes. “That’s not it at all.”
“Isn’t it?” I cross my arms and try to keep breathing. The pitch of my voice is getting out of control. “Like I said, Logan, I’ve got, like, a week and a half left here. And just so we’re crystal clear, in case I haven’t made it obvious yet, I don’t want this to be a summer fling.”
There we go. I’m ready to lay my cards on the table.
“Logan, I’m ready to do the work to keep you in my life this time. I’m not going to flake and run away when it gets hard for me.” Tears begin to fill my eyes, but I keep them down. I don’t want to make a scene. “Because I am so, so sorry I abandoned you back then. I really am. I wish so hard I could take it back. But I can’t. And this time, I don’t want to walk out of your life. I’m serious. But I need to know what you want. Because I can’t bear being abandoned again.”
A look of confusion crosses his face. “Again?”
I immediately realize how this must have come off to him. How it seems like I’m blaming him for abandoning me when the opposite is true.
I don’t have a choice anymore. I have to tell him. “My dad left.”
“What?”
I rub my face with my palms. “He’s out of the country. I know he’s alive, but that’s all I know. He’s completely MIA. I thought I could rely on him, and I was wrong.” I look up at him with fire in my eyes. “So I need to know if I can rely on you. Or if I should start preparing myself for another heartbreak.”
He takes a deep breath. His eyes are dark and sad. “Shit, Avery. That’s such a shitty thing for him to do. I’m so sorry.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I do want you in my life, Avery. I don’t want to abandon you. Far from it. And I believe you. And I don’t hold what happened back then against you.” He moves forward and wraps me in an embrace. His breath is hot against my neck. Everything feels a bit better here. “You were going through a lot. Your entire life got uprooted. Again. I’m just so disappointed I could do nothing to help you through it. And seeing how much you’re going through again, there’s nothing I want more than to help you this time around.”
For a moment, we stand there in each other’s arms. His scent blends with the smell of the outdoors in one soothing concoction. I wish I could bottle this up and put it on my pillow.
Still against my ear, Logan continues: “I’ve just got some shit I need to figure out before I can give you a clear answer. The last thing I want to do is lie. So I don’t want to tell you anything I don’t know.”
I pull away just enough to look into his eyes. “What kind of shit?” I ask, hoping he will open up and tell me.
But instead, he only shakes his head. “I’ll let you know when I know. I promise.”
“I can help you figure it out,” I continue. “If you’re not sure what to do, or if it’s got nothing to do with me … I’m here for you.”
He just nods. “I know.”
The conversation doesn’t go any further than that. We make our way back, a bit more quietly than before. I can feel something is significantly different about the way he’s walking, talking, and looking at me. And I just wish I could know what’s on his mind so I can help him with it.
The evening ends as it always does—in my bed, the two of us coming undone together. I remain in his arms afterward, and just before I drift into sleep, I can’t help but think everything’s going to be okay after all.
But when I wake up the next morning, Logan is gone.