Chapter 19
The familiar crunching of gravel rouses me from my work. I lift my eyes from my laptop screen to see Logan walking up the path to my cabin, his shoulders hunched and his hands shoved in his pockets. His eyes meet mine through my open window, uncertainty swirling in the golden flecks of his hazel eyes before he gives me a tentative smile.
One week. It’s been one week.
My heart leaps, but I force my expression to remain impassive. I’ve got my camera on, after all. I turn my attention back to my computer, trying to focus on the video call with Leslie. She’s yet again gushing about the latest batch of pages I delivered for the retreat website.
“This part here really speaks to the tranquil vibe we’re going for,” she says, her voice alive with joy. “And the writing has so much more heart now. I can tell you really took the time to understand our vision.”
I’m only half-listening, hyperaware of Logan lingering in my peripheral vision. After a week of radio silence, what does he expect? That I’d welcome him back with open arms? That I’d drop a client call and leave everything behind to greet him? My fingers curl into fists as I struggle to rein in the storm brewing inside me.
Because I’m pissed.
I took the opportunity for this week to just focus on my work. I buried my feelings deep down to give myself a chance to finish this project with whatever steam I had left. I haven’t texted my dad, or Sophie. I haven’t even tried to contact Logan, no matter how much I desperately missed him with every fiber of my being. And I set my anger aside for both of them.
After all, I’m here to write. So that’s what I’ve done all week.
I meet Logan’s gaze again. He finally realizes that I’m on a call, so he stays outside instead of trying to come into the cabin. He gets settled on the picnic table, and I wonder how I’m going to bring my attention back to this call.
“—the next project. Would you like to talk about that?”
“Huh?” Shit. I must have missed something. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I lost you for a second.” Ah, the joys of online communication.
Leslie doesn’t skip a beat, nor does she seem to suspect I’ve just lied to her face. “The team really loves your work, Avery, so if you have some time, I would love to discuss another potential project we have in mind for you.”
Oh, wow. Normally, I’d jump on this opportunity and say yes without hesitation. But I know there’s no point in doing that right now. I’m not going to be remotely useful unless this freshly aroused anger dissipates.
So I lie again: “I’ve actually got another call booked in a few minutes, so I can’t really stay. But I would love to discuss this further. Let’s book a time for it; how about tomorrow at 1 p.m.?” I’m surprised at how professional and courteous I’m able to be.
We wrap up shortly after booking a follow-up call for tomorrow, and I close my laptop, eyes downcast. I take a deep breath in and exhale through my mouth before getting up to meet Logan outside.
I try not to storm out of the cabin, but it’s hard to keep my cool. I remind myself of Sophie’s voice, telling me to chill, but that only serves to remind me of how we left things the last time I called her.
Yeah, I’m on my own for this one.
I burst out of the cabin, breathless. Logan is sitting on the weathered picnic table, elbows on his knees, staring absently at the gravel. He looks up at my sudden exit, regret etched on his face. I open my mouth, ready to unleash a tirade of hurt and anger.
But then he’s crossing the distance between us in quick strides. Strong arms envelop me before I can react, pressing me against his chest. Logan’s familiar scent surrounds me, and despite myself, the fight drains out of my body.
It feels like I’m home.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, his breath warm against my hair.
For a brief moment, I allow myself to melt into his embrace. I missed this so much. His scent, the warmth of his arms, just having him nearby. But the questions—and the anger—still plague my mind, threatening to spill. I pull back to meet his eyes.
“You can’t just disappear for an entire week, ignore my texts and calls, and expect me not to be upset,” I spit out, unable to keep the accusatory note from my voice.
He runs a hand through his dark curls. “You’re right. That was shitty of me.” His eyes are pleading for me to understand. “I swear, it’s not what it looks like. I wasn’t trying to ignore you or make you feel bad.”
My expression must betray my skepticism because he hastily adds, “I’ll explain everything, I promise. But I need to drive over to Sydney to pick up a custom set of bar glasses first. We’re short-staffed right now, and after disappearing like I did, I kinda don’t have a choice but to help out.”
The thought of waiting hours more for an explanation makes my stomach churn. Being left in this unknown purgatory would surely drive me mad. I managed to keep it under for a week, although I still have no idea how I pulled that off, but now that he’s back in front of me again, there’s no putting that cat back into its bag.
I blurt out, “I’ll come with you.” Off Logan’s surprised look, I add, “I can’t just sit here wondering what happened. And we’ll have plenty of time to talk in the car. This isn’t a negotiation.”
He considers this for a moment before nodding slowly. “Okay then. If you’re sure.”
I give a terse smile. “Positive.”
We waste no time getting into his car, which he parked next to my cabin instead of walking here. As Logan pulls out of the gravel lot, I see him shoot me a sidelong glance. There’s a nervous energy thrumming under his composed exterior that sets me on edge. I brace myself for him to try and fill the painful silence, but he doesn’t.
We drive in tense silence for a while before I finally speak up. “I still don’t understand why you couldn’t have shot me a simple text while dealing with whatever it was. Or answered my call. Or … something. It would have taken two seconds. And it wouldn’t have let me believe you were ghosting me.” I realize the irony of what I’m saying. If he wanted to be petty, he could tell me: Now you know what it feels like.
But Logan isn’t petty. Instead, he sighs, his knuckles whitening on the steering wheel. “I know. You have every right to be upset. My mind was just … elsewhere.”
I don’t say anything, expecting him to continue. When he doesn’t, I scratch my throat expectantly.
I’m trying to let the anger dissipate. He’s here now, after all. That’s what matters. Whatever it was, we can get past it. If we both want to. I need to give him a chance.
“Fuck, this is hard,” he says as he grips the wheel even tighter. Outside the car, we’re surrounded by the beautiful, winding cliffside landscapes of Cabot Trail. Under different circumstances, this drive could be a pretty cool date. “It’s so difficult to explain. I don’t even know where to start.”
My stomach drops as I start to consider all the possibilities. Give me uncertainty, and I’ll give you back a thousand worst-case scenarios. “There’s another woman?”
“What?” Logan is incredulous. He looks at me for just a moment, eyes wide, before turning back to the road. “No, that’s … What on Earth gave you that idea?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe the way you disappeared for a whole fucking week and ghosted me?” Calm down, Avery. My right hand is gripping the side of the cheap faux leather seat so hard I think my nails are going to pierce holes through it. “Is this payback for what I did?”
“No, absolutely not.” Logan tightens his lips and raises his eyebrows. “And point taken.” He shoots me a pained glance. “But I swear, that’s not it. There’s no one else, Avery. I get that you’re angry, but frankly, is that what you really think of me? Do you really think I’d be capable of going to another woman just like that, after everything we …” he trails off and fixes his gaze back on the road. He’s shaking his head.
“I honestly don’t know. I don’t know much of anything. I thought Jasper, my ex, wouldn’t be capable of dumping me without giving me a good reason, and yet, he did.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I regret it.
Logan sighs. He sounds so tired. “See, what am I supposed to believe that you think of me when you compare me to your fucking ex, Avery?”
I shouldn’t have said it, but it’s beside the point. “You’re trying to distract me from what you’re actually supposed to be telling me,” I say between gritted teeth. I just want him to explain. To give me a good reason that still allows me to stay in love with him without disrespecting myself.
“Okay, okay, fine.” He takes another deep breath. “Sometimes I feel … off. I don’t know exactly how to describe it. It’s like whatever’s fuelling me to do the basic shit we need to do, like getting up in the morning, going to work, talking to people, brushing your teeth, whatever … some days, it’s just gone. I wake up empty.”
The anger, which had previously been at a boiling point, suddenly cools down like I’ve been dunked into a frozen lake. Now we’re getting somewhere. And it doesn’t seem to be about me. He’s telling me the truth.
“And some days things happen, and it makes it worse, and I just … I can’t deal. With anything. So I run away. I turn myself off. It’s so stupid …”
“It’s not stupid.” Calm has seeped back into my voice. I place my left hand on his thigh. Warmth erupts in my chest. I’m heartbroken by what he’s feeling, but so overjoyed that he’s sharing it with me. Maybe now I can help him. “So that’s what happened? Something triggered you during our walk at Skyline, and … ?”
“Yeah. That’s pretty much it.” He stares ahead at the road. I take a moment to just breathe and take this in. What Logan just admitted to me feels uncannily like what I’ve been dealing with. That lack of inspiration, of energy to do what would normally be the easiest thing in the world. Like a light has been turned off inside you.
“Is that why you’re here?” It has to be. We both have the same reason for being here. “You told me you needed to mix things up. So this summer job was to help you find inspiration again?”
“I guess so. I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I just know for a fact that …” He raises his gaze to me. I want to kiss him so badly it hurts. “Being with you has helped. I’ve got fewer shitty days than ever before. Actually, every day I’ve shared with you has been better than what I could ever hope for by myself.”
As much as this warms my heart, a thought occurs to me. I’ve come here to find inspiration again, sure. But I’m here doing work I actually enjoy. Writing, even if it’s for other people like my clients, fuels me. It lights me up. It’s my reason for getting up in the morning. “You know, it probably doesn’t help that you’re working here,” I say before looking out the window at the stunning view. Clouds have started to form overhead, but it’s beautiful nonetheless. Looks like it’s going to rain.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I understand taking a summer to switch things up and coming here. It has worked like magic for me. And so has been spending my time with you.” I shoot him a smile. “And I also know you need to pay the bills somehow, so I get taking the job. But … haven’t you considered this job might be making it worse?”
“I don’t understand.”
I sigh. “Back before I moved—when we were best friends—you were the smartest person I knew. But you were also at your best when working solo or with just me. You weren’t a people person. So, take it for what you will, but I don’t think working a customer-facing job in a resort is the best way to ‘switch things up.’”
He frowns. “I disagree.”
“Hear me out,” I continue. “Logan, I know how you’re feeling, okay? Shit, that’s why I came here! You know that. But you’re not going to get better by doing something that doesn’t ignite your passion. That doesn’t light you up. And this summer job obviously doesn’t light you up.”
“That’s not true,” he retorts, but his voice is calm.
“Isn’t it?” I let out a frustrated sigh. How can I make him understand? “You’re a genius, Logan. I can’t stand to see you do this to yourself. That’s one of the reasons I keep asking you when you’re going back to your real job. Your programming job. I remember how much computer stuff would make you light up. You’re not going to find inspiration and get that energy back without doing what you love. Don’t you love it?”
“I do,” he says sheepishly. “But?—”
“And I also want to know because—and I thought I’d made this obvious—I want to tackle this next chapter with you. And I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s next. And I’m glad you just told me everything because now I can help you through this. And if you want to change things up for real, maybe I can help you negotiate a work-from-home agreement with your job, and we can go somewhere, maybe we could travel to Europe, or Bali, or anywhere you want. I don’t care where it is …” Shit, why can’t I stop talking? “As long as we’re both there, I really don’t care, Logan, because I?—”
“Avery, stop. Please stop.” His tone is dry. Outside, it’s starting to rain. Fog is beginning to creep through the peaks and valleys, obscuring the vistas.
“I’m not going to stop,” I argue. My heart is going to beat out of my chest. “You have a gift, and I’m telling you, if you don’t use it, you’re just going to keep being miserable and?—”
“They fired me,” he interrupts.
My blood goes cold. For a moment, I’m too stunned to speak. Then he continues. “I don’t have a job to go back to in San Fransisco. I have nothing to go back to, in fact. I emptied out my apartment and brought everything back to Canada. I don’t have a green card anymore without a job.” He doesn’t sound angry at me. He just sounds so … tired. “That call at the restaurant the other day? It was HR. They just needed some info to send me my final paycheck.”
My heart hurts for him. I just wish he weren’t driving so I could hold him and touch my lips to his. “That’s so shitty,” I start. “I’m so sorry to hear that, Logan. But you don’t need to give up. There are plenty of other places that I’m sure will want your?—”
“You wanna know the reason they fired me?” he bites back. “I’ve burnt out, Avery. And I wasn’t getting better. The brutal deadlines, the ruthless competition, all the pressure? It drained every last bit of joy from coding. This resort job might not be glamorous, but at least I can breathe.”
I go quiet, a little stunned. When I imagined Logan’s programming career, I pictured fast-paced excitement, not soul-crushing stress.
I’ve been an idiot.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize?—”
The rain is coming down hard now, blurring the road ahead into a smudgy canvas. Logan’s face is half cast in shadow, his eyes stormy. “Of course you didn’t. This whole time you’ve just been trying to fix this instead of listening.”
“That’s not true,” I argue. “I’m listening, Logan. I’m just trying to help?—”
“I don’t need your help!” he screams. “I’m not helpless, Avery. God. You always used to do this. You haven’t changed.”
My stomach feels full of lead. “What are you talking about?”
“You were always trying to defend me. Do you know how embarrassing it was to have a girl standing up for me in front of those immature bullies? Don’t you think it made them want to bully me even more, thinking I couldn’t stand up for myself? Did you ever consider that?” I’ve never seen Logan this angry. He’s hardly ever angry in the first place. But now he’s close to seething.
But I’m pretty close to it, too. “So, what did you want me to do? Leave them to beat you up? Just stand there like an idiot and do nothing? Just watch them hurt you? No way I was going to do that.”
“I get that, but it wasn’t your place,” he bites back. “And neither is this. Whatever the way out of this burnout is for me, I don’t need you to fix it. All I want is to have you here with me.”
“But I can’t stand to see you in pain!” I yell, a mix of anger and frustration. “If only you’d just let me help you see that you’re not living up to your potential?—”
“Please, stop,” he says quietly, but firmly. “God … is this why Jasper left you?”
Lightning goes through my chest. A tense beat passes. Logan exhales harshly, regret plain on his face. “Avery … I didn’t mean?—”
“Stop the car,” I choke out. We’ve entered the outskirts of a small town, and Logan pulls over to the curb.
“Avery, wait,” Logan begs. “I’m so sorry?—”
Before he can get another word out, I throw open the door and storm off into the rain, the panic clawing its way out of my throat with a scream.