Chapter 25
The ringtone pulls me out of my sleep in a dazed surprise; half-blind, I fumble to reach my phone on my nightstand. Who could be calling at such an hour?—
Oh. It’s 11 a.m.
Sophie’s name is on the caller ID. Strange. It’s not like her to call. She’ll usually text me if she wants to chat or even see me. We’re millennials, after all.
I answer straight away with a groggy voice: “Hello?”
“Hi! Oh, shit, did I wake you?”
“No? Maybe?”
“Dude, it’s 11 a.m.”
I sigh and try to rub the sleep from my eyes. “Yeah, I know.” Waking up without an alarm has been a part of my ‘healing journey’, or whatever I want to call it. Since I’m only working with Prakriti Mountain Wellness right now, and their deadlines are pretty loose, I don’t have a ton of work to catch up on. This gives me plenty of time to just … be.
I could have taken on extra contracts, especially with the inquiries coming my way. But right now, I’m choosing simplicity.
To be honest, just ‘being’ has involved a lot of sleep and lying in bed, questioning my decision to break up with Logan.
“Well, I’d say sorry for waking you, but I don’t really feel sorry.” I chuckle at that. Of course she wouldn’t. Sophie hasn’t gotten to truly sleep in three years. “Actually, I’m calling because I need a huge favour.”
“Oh?” I perk up. I hardly ever get the chance to help her out, but if she’s asking for once, I’m not going to say no.
“How quickly can you be at my house?”
“Um …” I mentally calculate the time it’s going to take me to get dressed and look halfway decent, plus drive there. “Forty-five minutes, maybe?”
“Okay. Great.”
“Why? What’s up?”
“Something came up. Matthew’s at work, and I need emergency babysitting for a few hours, STAT. I’ve got enough pumped milk to keep Heather fed for much longer than I’ll be gone.”
My heart skips a beat. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes, no worries. I can tell you all about it when you get here. Is that okay?”
I smile. I’m up for this challenge. “Of course, Soph. I’ll be right over.”
“Thank you,” she almost yells in her phone. “You’re a lifesaver. Okay, see you soon, then.”
I don’t waste any time getting ready. I quickly brush my teeth, pull my hair into a messy bun without even brushing through it first, and grab the first outfit I see in my drawer. It’s a ratty Avenged Sevenfold T-shirt I’ve had since high school and some jean shorts. Good enough for babysitting. And I can make myself some coffee once I get to Sophie’s place.
Because it’s close to noon on a weekday, there’s hardly any traffic to drive all the way to Verdun, so I make it there in good time. I park in front of the house and hurry to her door, still secretly hoping everything is okay.
Sophie greets me with a big grin and ushers me in. “Awesome, you’re here!” Weird. There’s something off about her smile. She almost seems too happy. Why would she?—
And that’s when I see him and freeze.
Logan is sitting at Sophie’s kitchen table, holding Heather in his arms. His eyes are already staring right at me. My chest constricts. Seeing him like this is a shock to my entire system.
What’s going on?
A rush of warmth and ice spreads through my limbs all at once. He shouldn’t be here. But now that he is, I can’t ignore what seeing him is doing to me. Especially the way he’s holding Sophie’s daughter. It looks so natural on him, and this tableau is beautiful, and he is beautiful, and?—
I realize I’ve been standing there, my mouth half open like an idiot. I look back at Sophie, who’s smirking, then back at Logan, whose eyes are lit up and warm. “What …” The words won’t come out.
Sophie strides to meet Logan and grabs Heather from his arms. “I can’t say I’m too surprised by your reaction,” she says with a chuckle. Now that Logan’s arms are free, he stands, seeming unsure of where to go. He’s motionless by the table, one hand on it as if to steady himself, and I’m still by the door, a good fifteen feet away. “Maybe I should explain.”
“But—the babysitting—the—” I stammer, unable to put words together.
“I figured that would be the easiest way to get you here without any argument,” Sophie explains as she starts rocking her daughter. “Because here’s the thing, Avery. When you told me about everything with Logan right here,”—she gives him a soft tap on the shoulder—“it didn’t sit right with me at first, but I didn’t know why. And when you left for that retreat, I thought it over. And you know what conclusion I came to?”
“What?” I keep looking from her to Logan. But his gaze is steady. He hasn’t taken his eyes off of me, not even for a split second.
“That excuse you gave for breaking it off? It’s bullshit.” A dagger pierces through my chest. “And you and I both know it.”
“What? I don’t—” I get out a few more incomplete words.
“So I reached out to Logan to get his opinion. And, well …” she looks at him and backs away. “I’ll let you do the honour, Logan.” She then proceeds to stride out of the room, leaving Logan and me completely alone.
Logan takes a step forward. I don’t move yet. “I’m not going to call what you said bullshit,” he starts. Hearing his voice is like warm honey. I close my eyes as if to steady myself. He takes another step forward. “But Sophie’s not entirely wrong.”
I gather my thoughts. It shouldn’t be this hard to speak. I puff up my chest. I need to stay strong. “Logan …” my voice trails off.
Wow. What a great start.
Logan takes yet another step forward. I both want to close the gap between us and run away as far as I can at the same time. “And, okay. Maybe you are sort of fucked up, and maybe I’m not quite right, either. Maybe we both need a bit of healing. I’m not going to argue against that. Don’t we all?” Another step. I’m still frozen in place. “And you’re right that you might push hard sometimes. You might snap, and you might panic, and you might say or do hurtful things. And you know what? It might be difficult for me to hear. That much is true. All of it is true.”
He takes another step, and now he’s close enough for me to touch. I can feel the warmth emanating from him. His scent. I take a deep inhale, unable to help myself.
God, all I want is to bury my face in his chest.
But I can’t. I’m not done yet. I’ve still got a lot of shit to figure out. And I don’t want to hurt him again.
“But you know what?” Another step. Our bodies are touching now. The contact sends a tingle all the way from my chest to my toes. I have to tilt my head up to look at him. He pulls a loose lock of hair away from my face and tucks it behind my ear, and I shiver.
“I would rather you go through all of that shit with me.”
I close my eyes. “Logan …”
Why am I unable to say anything except his name?
He presses a finger against my lips. “If you’re going to say you don’t want to hurt me, I don’t want to hear it. I can take responsibility for my own feelings, Avery. I’m a big boy. So I don’t care how messed up you think you are. Hell, I’m a mess, too. And I think we’re both smart enough to work through it. Together.”
A thousand words want to come out of my mouth at once. He cups the side of my face and continues before I can speak; it’s like he can read my mind. “Look, we tried your way. And I can’t say for certain that this is how you feel, but I’m going to speak for myself.” His thumb brushes my cheek ever so softly, and I shiver again. “It sucked, okay? I fucking hated it. I want to figure my shit out with you by my side. And …”
For the first time, his gaze falters, and I can see a hint of fear pass through his eyes. “And if you don’t feel the same as I do … if being alone for the past few weeks truly has been working out for you, and you’d rather continue that way …” His eyes finally meet mine again. They’re looking straight into me. “If you can look me in the eye and tell me that, then I’ll leave you alone. I’ll go my own way and I’ll respect your decision. I promise you that.” His hand caressing the side of my face is so tender. “But something tells me that this hasn’t been the case. And I don’t want you to lie just because you think you’re protecting me. So tell me the truth, Avery.”
For a moment, we only look at each other. Time is standing still. I’m holding my breath as a million thoughts race through my head.
I want to run away. And I know he can see this. He can see I’m scared, that I think I’m going to mess it all up and do something to hurt him again.
It would be the easy way out. All I’d have to do is back away. Tell him no. Tell him I’m too broken for this to work. That the past few weeks have been fine, thank you very much.
But it would be a lie.
And what if he’s right? Maybe it’s not such a big deal if I haven’t taken all the time alone I need. And what if I never feel ready? What if that time never comes? What else am I going to wait for?
Am I going to wait until he gets tired of waiting? Until someone else finally discovers this gem of a man and claims him for herself?
Absolutely not.
I don’t speak; instead, I tilt my head up, and our lips meet.
He sighs against my mouth, and I do the same. Instantly, his arms are behind my back, scooping me closer, and I allow myself to do what I’ve truly been craving ever since we said our goodbyes. I melt into him, weave my hands into his hair, inhale his scent, and gasp against his mouth.
“I love you,” he sighs, breaking the kiss long enough to whisper those three small words that I know he means with all his heart.
“I love you, too,” I whisper back. “You’re right. You’re completely right. It sucked. Maybe there’s something to be said about learning how to be alone and feeling satisfied as your own person, but right now, I don’t care. I missed you too much.”
“God, I missed you too, Avery. Let’s not do this again.”
I laugh, our mouths still touching. “But where are we going to live? And your work? What about?—”
“We’ll figure it out.” He scoops the back of my head and entwines his fingers in my hair underneath my messy bun, threatening to unravel it the way he has unravelled me. “I don’t care where we go or what I do. I just want you along with me.”
I press my forehead against his and close my eyes. “Me, too.”
Epilogue
“Coffee?” Logan’s voice brings me back down to Earth. I was so lost in thought that I’m not even seeing my laptop anymore. I blink a few times and look away from my screen to see him standing in front of me.
I can’t help but chuckle. He’s dressed exactly like a tourist would be, Hawaiian shirt and everything. But he seems so laid back and at ease that I don’t even care. Besides, I don’t think we’re leaving the villa today.
The villa we’re staying in at the heart of Ubud, Bali, isn’t the most impressive thing in the world. It doesn’t have the infinity pool you see in all the cool photos, and it’s not facing the ocean like my cabin was in Cape Breton a year ago. But it’s cozy, it’s clean, and right now, it feels like home. And if that isn’t enough, nothing will ever be.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the gaudiness of your shirt,” I say, still laughing.
“What?” Logan spreads out his arms to showcase his full outfit. “You don’t like it? I think I’m going to keep dressing like this forever.”
“Oh my God, don’t,” I laugh, right before I grab his collar and pull him down for a kiss. I close my eyes and savour this moment. I can’t get enough of this. Of him.
I taste the coffee on his tongue and recall what he asked me. “No coffee for me right now,” I say as he straightens back up. “When do you start work?”
“In an hour or so.” He leaves the airy living room to grab me a coffee from the kitchen.
I take a deep breath. There was once a time when hearing about Logan working would make panic rise out of me. When he announced he was going freelance with his programming work, I instantly thought it was a bad idea. If a regular job had burned him out, the stress of freelancing would tear him apart, I was sure of it.
But I’d been wrong. With a few pointers from me on how to get clients, Logan has been thriving in this lifestyle. Plus, he doesn’t have to work nearly as hard to make the same salary he was making before. So whenever he feels himself getting too close to the edge, he just takes on fewer projects.
Which is exactly why I’m not scared anymore. He knows himself, and on days when it feels hard, he’s got me. And vice versa.
Anyway, I’ve got something new to be scared about. But I tell myself it’s going to be fine. Of course it will be.
At first, I was scared of falling back into the same spiral I’d been in the summer before. To be honest, maybe it would happen again. But a year into our time together, it doesn’t scare me so much anymore. Plus, the way we constantly move from place to place, taking our work with us, keeps me fully inspired.
Most days aren’t full of adventure. On days like today, we spend most of our time on our laptops, catching up on work. Some days, we might get a chance to take a stroll through the jungle, or go for a dip at the beach, or mingle with the locals at a bar or café nearby.
But today, we don’t do that. Today, we stay in, and I prepare a dinner of pesto pasta and shrimp, which we eat together as we exchange comments about whatever work pet peeve we want to vent about. Today, I hold something inside of me until it feels like the right moment. But as we’re cuddling on the hammock out on the porch, Logan senses that I’m hiding something.
He’s holding me against his chest, and he peers down at me, slightly amused. “What is it?” he asks.
“What? Huh?”
“Nuh-huh.” He presses me closer. “You’re all weird. What are you thinking?”
Today, I sigh and roll my eyes with giddy excitement before I get out of the hammock. I run back to the bathroom where I’ve hidden what I have yet to show him, and come back quickly before I lose my nerve.
And today, I make Logan cry for the second time when I show him the positive pregnancy test I’m holding in my hand.
Before I realize what’s happening, he’s holding my face with both hands, peppering me with kisses everywhere. He’s laughing and crying at the same time. An overwhelming bubble of joy bursts in my chest, and now I’m crying, too, kissing him back with all the love that’s within me.
“I love you,” he sighs against my mouth. One hand touches my belly softly. “Both of you.”
“I love you, too.”
In this moment, I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I’ve never had so much love and laughter in my life before … or maybe I once did, when Logan was a part of my life, all those years back.
And even if it’s not perfect—and even though I know this journey will trigger my anxiety in new ways—I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because I have Logan by my side. My rock.
And I know he will keep me steady through it all.