Chapter 41
TAYLOR
I watched from inside Jack’s truck as Hannah was brought up the hill and loaded into the ambulance.
Watched it drive away. Jack and the others stood talking on the roadside for a couple of minutes, then they shook hands before Gerry climbed into his patrol car, and Jack walked over to his truck.
He climbed in and shut his door. I swallowed hard.
‘Are you OK?’ he asked gently.
I nodded, staring straight ahead out of the windscreen. ‘Yeah.’
‘Want to talk about it?’
‘Is she going to be OK?’
‘Yeah, they reckon so. But that’s not what I meant.’ He reached over and picked up my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. ‘Tell me to shut up if I’m wrong, but the way you looked when you saw Hannah in the car, and what Gerry said…’ He exhaled loudly. ‘What happened to Cal, Taylor?’
The mention of his name made my heart squeeze tight in my chest. There was a long silence while I psyched myself up to say the words.
‘He died in a car accident,’ I finally said.
‘Oh Taylor,’ he said softly. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be. You didn’t know.’
‘I wish I had. I would never have made you come with me to search for Hannah.’
‘You didn’t make me come with you; I knew full well that this was a possible outcome.’
‘You don’t have to tell me the details, if this is too difficult for you to talk about.’
‘It is difficult, but it’s… he… was such a major part of my life, and I want you to know about him.’
He squeezed my hand again. ‘OK. If you’re sure. But take your time and stop if it gets too hard. You don’t owe me anything.’
‘I didn’t see Cal’s accident scene,’ I told him quietly.
‘They wouldn’t let me. My mother got a phone call from someone who recognized Cal’s car, but she made me stay at home.
Didn’t tell me where she was going in the middle of the night.
But I saw his car the next day, at the police yard. I saw his blood.’
‘How old were you?’
‘It happened the night of our eighteenth birthday.’ I looked over at him.
‘Cal, Calvin, was my twin. Is. I never know what to say any more. Am I still a twin, now that my twin is no longer here?’ I shook my head.
‘He was my other half. My best friend. We were close, growing up. Especially after Dad left and it was just Mom and us. It was like having my own permanent playmate. A friend who didn’t go home at the end of the day but stayed for sleepovers, and midnight pantry raids, and sneaking out of the house. ’
‘What was he like?’
‘He was funny. Really funny. Without even trying. One of those people who had a witty comeback for any situation. He made me laugh, every single day. And he was nice. Genuinely nice. No one ever had a bad word to say about him. You know how when someone dies, people say things like, “He lit up every room he entered”?’
Jack nodded.
‘With Cal it was true. He was so vibrant. People couldn’t help but notice him.’
‘He sounds like a great guy.’
‘He was. Never took life too seriously. Always ready to help anyone who needed help, even if they hadn’t asked. I mean don’t get me wrong, he could be cheeky, too. He and Adam used to get up to a bit of mischief. Normal teenage stuff.’
He frowned, clearly surprised. ‘He was friends with Adam?’
‘Best friends, actually, since they were six. They just clicked. Thick as thieves, my mom used to say. They had the same sense of humor. Until Cal died. Adam never really laughed much after that. Not with me, anyway.’
‘Is that why you got together? Because you were both grieving for Cal?’
I stared at his hand over mine, wondering if I had the courage to say the next bit.
Wondering if he would still feel the same way about me if I did.
But I had to tell him. The weight of it had burdened my marriage.
If I was to have any kind of future with Jack, I had to be honest. ‘It was our fault.’
‘What was?’
‘Cal’s death.’
His brow furrowed. ‘I thought you said it was an accident?’
‘It was, but it was our fault he was on the road in the first place.’ I swallowed down a hard lump in my throat, squeezing my eyes shut so I wouldn’t see the disappointment on his face.
‘Cal and I, we only ever had one rule, and that was that our friends were off limits. We even shook hands on it when we were fourteen. No dating each other’s friends.
We didn’t ever want to have to choose between each other and our friends if, when, things inevitably went wrong.
I broke that rule. And he died because of it. ’
‘I don’t understand.’
I opened my eyes and stared at him, anguished, tears streaming down my face. The guilt was as fresh now as it was back then. The wound slashed open by the events of the night.
‘We had a birthday party down on the beach,’ I explained.
‘With a big campfire, burgers, alcohol that we’d pilfered from Mom.
Music playing out of a big speaker. It was the best night.
All our friends were there. The beach, the stars.
Anything felt… possible. So when Adam kissed me, I didn’t stop him.
In fact, I kissed him back.’ I could still remember the moment clearly, as much as I’d tried to forget it.
‘Cal saw us, and he was angry. Angrier than I’d ever seen him.
He stormed off. We chased after him of course, and I begged him not to drive.
Even got in front of the car, but he kept revving the engine and Adam pulled me away.
I’ve replayed that moment so many times in my head.
Cal would never have hurt me. Adam should have just left me.
I could have stopped him from driving away. ’
Beside me, Jack exhaled heavily. ‘Was he drunk?’
‘He’d been drinking. Enough to be impaired, definitely.
’ My voice shook and I took a sharp breath.
‘He ran through a stop sign and T-boned another car. Somehow, miraculously, the other occupants, a couple from Washington, survived with only minor injuries. But Cal was killed instantly. They said the impact severed his neck from his spine. My beautiful, larger-than-life brother was snuffed out in an instant. It didn’t seem possible. I still struggle with it.’
Jack exhaled softly, then nodded. ‘I know what you mean. When Alex died, it was a shock, how suddenly someone can go from being here to being gone.’
‘I never got to say goodbye. Or tell him how sorry I was that I broke our pact.’
‘Is that why you married Adam? Because you felt guilty?’
‘Yes.’ I stared at my lap again. Wiped the tears from my cheek with the back of my hand. ‘We both blamed ourselves, and each other. Everyone who’d been on the beach that night knew what had happened. Why Cal had driven off. It felt like everyone blamed us. The whole town.’
‘I’m sure they didn’t.’
I shook my head. ‘Small town like this. People talk. Even at the funeral, I could hear them whispering. We got drunk again after the funeral and agreed that we couldn’t let his death be in vain.
He couldn’t die because of a stupid, drunken kiss.
So, we told everyone that we were in love.
It somehow made his death seem less meaningless.
Nothing could ever justify it, but it helped to assuage our guilt. ’
‘Grief and guilt can make us do funny things.’
‘It made me marry a man who should never have been more than a one-night stand. It was the least I deserved though. To be stuck in a loveless marriage. At least Adam finally had the guts to end it. I don’t blame him for falling in love with someone else, you know.
Everyone expects me to be angry with him, but I’m not.
I know he blames himself for Cal’s death as much as I blame myself. He deserves a shot at happiness.’
‘So do you.’
‘I wish it was that simple.’
‘If Hannah had died tonight, would you want me to spend the rest of my life blaming myself for her death?’
I frowned. ‘Of course not.’
‘Why not? She drove off because she heard us declaring our feelings for each other.’
‘That’s different, and you know it.’
‘How?’
‘It just is.’
‘No, Taylor. It’s the same. It wasn’t your fault that Cal drove. You were eighteen. Do you know how many eighteen-year-olds get drunk and make out at parties every night?’
‘But I broke our promise.’
‘A promise you made when you were fourteen. It was a promise between kids. Look, you need to remember that we all have to take responsibility for our own actions in life. Cal and Hannah included.’
‘I just wish he was still here,’ I said though my tears. ‘I miss him so much.’
He leaned over and pulled me in against him. Burying my face into his chest, I cried like I hadn’t let myself cry since it had happened. I cried until I had no tears left to cry. Until his shirt was as soaked as if he’d stood in a rainstorm. I cried until my face hurt.