Chapter 42
Forty-Two
CLARA
I checked under the bed before I finally accepted that Jesse had gone. As I sat on the floor, looking at how intertwined we had become in this room, I wondered what the hell happened to make him leave so abruptly.
I didn’t realise I had started crying until I felt a tear drop onto the back of my hand.
“Knock, knock. I’m coming in. Please make sure everything is covered,” Becky’s voice boomed through the room. I had no idea why she was here. There was nothing in the itinerary about me having to be anywhere the night before the wedding. Becky didn’t see the point because she was pretty sure Rachel didn’t want to be around anyone.
I didn’t say anything as I heard Becky’s tentative footsteps enter the room. When she realised there was nothing to see, her steps became surer until she came around to the side of the bed I was currently crying against.
She gasped as she dropped to the floor next to me. “What happened?” she asked.
“I don’t know. He’s not here. I don’t know where he is.”
“Who? Jesse? Have you messaged him?”
I laughed wetly. “No, I haven’t. I checked under the bed, but I didn’t think to just text him. Clearly, I am doing well.”
“Where’s your phone?” she asked, looking around.
“Pocket of my playsuit,” I answered, nodding to where I had dropped it when I came in and found Jesse gone. Becky crawled over to it and pulled my phone out.
“He’s with Rachel. Jesse, that is. She also says that she wants to punch that piece of shit. From the context, I think she means Drew,” she said as she handed me my unlocked phone, opened to Rachel’s messages.
Relief and nausea flooded through me, and I shivered. A reminder that I was still in a damp bikini and a towel.
Becky wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Grab some clothes, come to my room and shower. Then you can tell me why the hell Rachel is once again threatening violence the night before a wedding.”
She stood up and offered me her hand. I took it. When I was standing again, I noticed the pool outside the window, and I knew exactly what Jesse had seen. Why he had run.
I grabbed some clothes and let Becky lead me out of the room.
* * *
By the time I had finished showering and exited the bathroom, Becky was no longer alone. Lucy and Addie were lying on the bed, and Becky sat in an armchair. We were in the room Becky was staying in the night before the wedding, the room she refused to let Jesse sleep in.
“Is this an intervention?” I asked as I climbed onto the bed between Lucy and my sister.
“No, Becky called an SOS,” Lucy answered.
“Are you okay?” Addie asked. Her voice was overly gentle. It reminded me of those long hours when we waited to hear whether Dad was going to make it or not. Those moments when the silence was too loud to be peaceful, but talking felt too frivolous while someone we loved was on the brink of death. When I was in our room, I had tried to keep my tears locked up tight, but hearing that tone opened the floodgates.
Full-body sobs started wracking through me. Within moments, Addie had me wrapped in a hug, holding me tightly against her with one arm while her other hand stroked soothingly up and down my back.
“I’ll take that as a no,” Addie said once my crying had calmed.
“I don’t even know why I’m crying,” I said, my voice thick and my head throbbing.
“Yeah, nor do we. What the hell happened?” Addie asked.
I pulled out of her hold and wiped my face with the back of my hand.
“I came back to our room, and Jesse was gone with no warning. When Rachel texted, saying she wanted to punch Drew, I think I figured out why he left.” I took a deep breath. “Andrew followed me to the pool tonight. He wanted to talk to me without my guard dogs,” I laughed wetly. “He said a bunch of stuff that doesn’t need to be repeated because it means nothing and it’s not important. But he said it all while he was as close to me as you are now,” I poked Addie’s thigh, mere inches from me.
“That’s not going to look good,” Lucy said.
“I imagine it didn’t, no. Still doesn’t explain why I am crying like this.”
“Because you love him and you’re scared to lose him,” Addie said simply.
And it was that simple.
“Am I a terrible person for moving on quickly? Shouldn’t I still be in a deep, dark hole of grief because my relationship of a decade only ended a month ago? Was I not supposed to swear off boys for eternity and then be convinced by someone years down the line to give them a shot and then end up blissfully happy? Should I not miss him?”
“If Rachel were here, she’d probably remind you that there is no such thing as ‘normal’. Things happen how they happen, and that’s just the way it is,” Lucy said, her hand rubbing along my spine.
Becky joined us on the bed, grabbing hold of my hand and lacing her fingers through mine. “You’re not a terrible person, Clo. What you are is a person who settled so deeply into a comfortable thing that you forgot you deserved other things until they were given to you on a silver platter. Comfort and safety, yes. But you also deserve someone who treats your achievements as equal, maybe even sometimes better, than his own. Someone whose eyes don’t glaze over when you’re trying to figure out a plot or talk an entire storyline into existence. A person who knows you well enough to take you away from it all for a day so you can fill your cup. Who buys you a copy of your favourite play, even though you one hundred per cent do not need one, but it makes you happy, so he does it anyway.
“Someone who knows you well enough to know that when you want to be alone, you really mean alone, and they just leave you to it. You deserve to be loved the way that Jesse loves you. And yes, that includes the fact that you are having sex so good, you have no choice but to break your top two rules.”
I laughed as I looked down at my—his—white T-shirt, the fabric brushing against my naked breasts.
Becky squeezed my hand. “I’m sure there are things that you do for him. In fact, I know that there are things you do for him because you love so well. The people you love are lucky to be loved by you, because fuck, Clo, being loved by you is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” she smiled. Her eyes were wet with tears. I shifted my position on the bed and wrapped her up in a proper hug. My phone vibrating in the pocket of my shorts made us both pull out of the hug.
I pulled it out and sighed in relief when I saw Jesse’s name on my screen.
I lost track of time as I messaged back, thankful that he wasn’t ignoring me. Thankful that there was still a chance.
“Please tell me he messaged you,” Rachel said as she sat next to me on the bed. I hadn’t noticed her come in or when the others had gotten off the bed. I locked my phone.
“I was about to come looking for you. Did you hit him?” I asked.
Rachel snorted. “No, he’s not worth maybe ruining my nails for.”
“Alright, dickheads, I think tonight now calls for Bridesmaids and chocolate,” Becky declared as she threw a mountain of chocolate bars onto the duvet and moved the armchair to set the laptop up, while the others climbed back onto the bed.
* * *
As the sun began to rise, I extracted myself from the pile of women sleeping on the bed. I’d been woken up by thoughts racing through my head, and I knew it was the kind that needed to be written out for me to get any peace. I grabbed my phone off the bedside table, quietly left the room, went down to the kitchen, and started writing.