Chapter 13
Thirteen
Corey
Nash dropped me off at Aidan and Rain’s house earlier this afternoon.
“Tell your brothers, Nash. About the adoption. Let them be there for you. Trying to do life alone isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” I’d said as I climbed down from the truck.
I gave him a wave, and he watched me until I entered the house.
If my hips swayed a little more than they usually do, then that’s between me and my conscience.
After being put so decisively in the friend zone, which I’ll admit stung just a little, I swallowed down my nascent attraction to Nash and accepted that at least if we can be friends, then I’ll have him in my life.
Nash is one of those people who come into your life at just the right moment.
Although a part of me can’t help but think now is entirely the wrong moment.
He’s the kind of stable friend I need in my life: older, wiser, and a whole lot more level than Rain or Emma, for example.
Rain is just as emotional as me, and while I absolutely love that about him, when I am at my most overwrought and feel myself falling into a downward spiral of doomsday thinking, Rain is not the best person to help ground me.
He’d comfort me, hold me, but he’d also cry with me, and when I’m in that headspace, I need rationality, not empathy.
Emma is Rain’s complete opposite. She’d snap me out of it with tough love and a glass of wine, and while she’s kind and loving as a person, she’s also somewhat unforgiving when it comes to sentimentality.
Nash strikes the perfect balance between the two, and if I can’t have anything more than his friendship, if I can’t even explore anything more than that, then I’ll accept it for what it is.
But in the back of my mind, a little voice keeps nagging at me that maybe if we’d met even six months or a year down the line, things might look completely different.
His casual revelation that he could just as easily be in a relationship with a man as he could a woman had taken me by surprise.
I’d been fully anticipating my role as ‘gay man in love with his straight friend’ – a modern-day classic – until he’d dropped that little humdinger.
The swoop in my stomach had been proof positive that I had a crush, and then all too quickly it was ‘welcome to the friend zone’, and the tiny flame of hope had been snuffed out almost as quickly as it had been lit.
Ah well. It’s probably for the best. I’m so much younger than him and have so much baggage, he probably thinks I’d be a nightmare, high-maintenance boyfriend anyway.
I’m actually very low maintenance in a relationship.
All I’ve ever wanted was a family of my own, a man who loved me for exactly who I am, and a safe, peaceful home we built together.
But even I can admit the likelihood of being able to achieve that, while Dominic and his brother may or may not still be looking for Rain and me is slim to non-existent. And so, friends it is. It has to be.
If nothing else, I won’t put him or his future child at risk by getting too close and dragging them into Dominic’s line of sight. I’m not that stupid. I’m not that selfish.
Rain and I spend the afternoon watching The Vicar of Dibley, laughing at the gentle comedy that is so British I’m not sure it could translate anywhere else.
“Did you have fun with Nash this morning?” he asks, a knowing look on his face.
“I did,” I say. “Hey, did you know there are like hundreds of seals breeding on the beach right now?”
Rain jerks his head in surprise.
“No, that’s so fucking cool! Is that where he took you? To the beach? At sunrise? To see the seals?” He is not subtle.
“Yes, Rain. That’s where he took me. To the beach, at sunrise, to see the seals. And it was incredible.”
“I bet it was,” he mutters.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Babe, come on. Nash is fit, you’re cute, and that is the most romantic first date I’ve ever heard of.”
I shove him over to the other side of the sofa we’re sharing, the bowl of popcorn on his lap teetering precariously. He manages to prevent it toppling altogether, but a few kernels fall to the floor, and Pax wastes no time in cleaning them up.
“It wasn’t a date,” I retort. “Even if I might have wanted it to be,” I say under my breath.
The television pauses, the screen frozen on an image of Dawn French mid-Brussels sprout eating contest, in the Christmas special we’re watching.
“What was that?” Rain asks, even though I know damn well he heard me fine the first time.
I sigh. He’s not going to let this go. Fuck, he’s like a dog with a bone.
“Look. Yes, I find Nash very attractive, and yes, he was very kind to me when he checked me over, and afterwards. And yes, taking me to see the seals this morning was really kind and could have been romantic, but…” I trail off, not willing to accidentally announce that now would be a terrible time for him to pursue a relationship with anyone because he’s about to welcome a child into his life.
“But I’m not in a place where I can look at anyone like that. Fuck knows what Dominic is up to.”
I feel a modicum of guilt because I don’t want to scare Rain or make him more worried about Dan resurfacing, but this is the reality of our situation. He swallows, and the click of his dry throat is audible.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to bring it all up, but the reality is that they may well be looking for us. I think we’ve done a good job of not being found, but you never know.”
He sighs.
“I know,” he says, his voice empty. “I don’t like to think about it, but I know you’re right. But…” He turns to face me and takes both of my hands in his, squeezing them tightly. “I don’t like to think that you’re closing yourself off from something if you like someone.”
“I’m not. It’s just bad timing. And let’s be honest, Nash is a competent man, a doctor no less, with a beautiful house and an incredible career. What would he ever see in someone like me?” I ask the question, but I don’t really want an answer. I already know it. He wouldn’t be.
“What? Someone gorgeous, sweet, kind, funny, thoughtful, caring… the list goes on and on, babe. Don’t sell yourself short.”
“I’m not…I just—”
“You are. You always did. And I won’t have it. We both put up with far too much for far too long, and it made us think of ourselves in a way that wasn’t accurate or even close to how others see us.”
My throat closes around the lump forming there, and I shut my eyes to stop any rogue tears that may try to escape.
“You are amazing. An incredible friend, even when you’re not given the space to show it, and I am so happy to know you. Not only that, but I thought Nash was straight until he looked at you like he wanted to eat you up. Aidan was shook, let me tell you.”
“He told me he’s bi like it wasn’t news, so I’m surprised Aidan doesn’t know.
” As soon as I say it, I have to wonder if I really am all that surprised.
Nash hasn’t told his brothers about this momentous thing he’s doing in his life, and he was married to his high school sweetheart, then focused on the adoption, so is it really hard to believe that he has compartmentalised to that degree?
I think that’s probably the most ‘Nash’ reaction I could imagine, actually.
“So, what’s stopping you even exploring something. It doesn’t have to be some love at first sight thing, you know,” Rain says unabashedly, and I grin at him.
“Not like you and Aidan?”
“Precisely. I’m an expert.” He smugly flicks a piece of popcorn into his mouth, and I can’t help but laugh. I love this man.
“Riiight,” I drawl, and he grins at me. “He friend-zoned me pretty hard, so even if I were in a place to explore anything, he isn’t, and he made that pretty clear. Rain gets thoughtful for a second before grabbing and squeezing my thigh almost painfully.
“I have a plan,” he says, eyes glinting mischievously. “You need to send him photos of yourself in all manner of cute outfits, and tease him until he can’t resist you.”
I have one eyebrow in my hairline, and another in a frown of derision as Rain speaks, and I scoff a laugh.
“Yeah, no. I’m not doing that.”
He pouts at me, but ultimately doesn’t press his ‘plan’ any further.
He restarts the show, and we watch another two episodes until he has to go and get ready. Aidan is taking him on a date tonight, and he has to look perfect. I don’t think that will take too long, but apparently, he has a whole process.
I stay downstairs and contemplate my own dinner options, Pax keeping me company until Aidan and Rain head out in an overwhelming cloud of aftershave and fragrance.
I take the easy route for dinner, shoving a frozen ham and pineapple pizza into the oven.
The fact Rain bought this pizza for me, knowing it was my favourite, even though he thinks pineapple on pizza is the devil’s work, warms my heart.
I unashamedly eat the whole thing. Nash told me I needed to gain some weight, after all.
When my food has gone down, I wrap up in Aidan’s old winter coat, which he said I could use until I got a new one, and snap Pax’s collar into place, switching on the flashing light that hangs off the collar so I can find him in the dark.
head off up the river path with Pax running a short way ahead, sniffing what seems like every blade of grass he comes across. It rained earlier and is now freezing cold, so I’m careful on the slippery ground.
My warm breath creates clouds of fog with every exhale, and the way the moonlight illuminates the small puffs is almost otherworldly.
The water of the river glistens with an icy pallor, looking just as uninviting as it surely is.
As I make my way along the path lit only by the moon and the torch on my phone, I realise I haven’t spoken to Emma since I left Coventry.
I look ahead and see the orange blinking light on Pax’s collar as he sniffs a wooden bench. Taking a seat, I pull up Emma’s contact and press dial.
“He’s alive,” she cries when she answers, her attempt at a Dr Frankenstein impression making me laugh and simultaneously roll my eyes.
“Ha ha,” I grumble. “Sorry I haven’t called yet. It’s been… a lot.”
“Are ye OK?” concern immediately apparent in her voice.
“I’m fine, honestly.” And it’s true. I am fine. If a little disheartened.
I tell her about my journey here, about Rain and Aidan collecting me at the train station, and how paranoid I’d been that I’d turn up to see Dan’s black BMW in the station car park.
I tell her about Nash, and how he checked me over, and how kind he is, and how he fed the ducks with me after buying me a coffee, and how he took me to the beach to see the seals, and-
“Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,” she rushes. “So, you’ve met this unicorn, and you like him, and he likes you—”
“He doesn’t like me,” I interrupt. She’s silent for a second.
“I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one.”
“You’ve never even met him,” I say, indignant.
“I don’t think I need to read the whole book to understand the plot of this particular romance story.” I don’t respond, unsure what I would even say. “Do you like him?” she asks more softly. I sigh dreamily.
“Holy Helena Bonham-Carter, do I want that man,” I gush, and she laughs.
“So, what’s stopping you?”
I can’t go through this whole story again, so I give her the simplest truth.
“He told me he wants to be friends.”
“Ouch,” she winces. I can hear her wincing through the damn phone. “What does Rain say?”
“Oh, you know, just that I should send Nash increasingly ridiculous selfies and tempt him into wanting me back.”
“I think Rain and I will get along just fine,” she chuckles. “That sounds like a great idea.”
This. This is what I mean when I say that she and Rain are not the kind of level-headed friends I need right now. Rain is a hopeless romantic, like me, and Emma is a chaos gremlin of the highest order.
I shake my head, even though she can’t see me.
“Or is it really juvenile and something that will actually just prove to him that he’s far too mature for someone like me?”
She seems to consider this, and I move the topic forwards.
“Anyway, enough about me. What have you been up to? How’s John? How’s the gym?” I hope that’s enough topics of conversation to distract her.
We chat for twenty minutes or so, long enough for Pax to have given up on his explorations and taken a seat beside me – literally beside me. He’s sitting on the bench, his head level with mine, staring at me as if to say, ‘can we go home yet?’
I say goodbye to Emma and decide this is too funny a moment not to capture.
I open my camera and snap a selfie, almost blinding myself with the flash.
Pax, like the diva he is, licks my ear just as the shutter clicks, and my eyes close in disgust. The resulting photo is not the cute picture I was hoping for.
Instead, it’s a hilarious snap of me with my eyes scrunched closed, and Pax in profile, his tongue in my ear.
It’s not a suggestive picture at all, so I decide it’s totally safe to send to Nash. I attach it to a new message and add a brief note.
Me: Do all the men in Norfolk treat guys like this on a first date?
I hit send with a chuckle and then stand up so my new boyfriend and I can get home before the drizzle that just started gets any worse.
We get back just as the heavens open, and we narrowly escape a soaking. I hang up my coat and leave my boots on the shoe rack, slipping my cold feet into my slippers. I make my way to the kitchen and put the kettle on.
I check my phone and see a response from Nash.
Nash: LOL. It seems you have yourself an admirer. He’s a lucky man.
I try. I swear, I try to ignore the swoop of excitement in my belly at his words that feels like a kaleidoscope of butterflies taking flight in there. But his message does nothing but reignite the tiny flame of hope in my heart.
And if I’m honest with myself, I’m not ready to blow it out.