Chapter Twenty-One
Twenty-one
Corey
The cold air blowing up the beach is biting, but it doesn’t seem to lessen the fun the seals on the beach below are having.
There have been a good number of new pups since I first started coming to see them, and watching them climb on each other’s backs and chase each other across the shore fills me with a bittersweet peace.
I wish I were that carefree. That I could spend my days playing and being happy.
And I have been happy these last few months since I moved to Fenside Common.
I was happy the short time I was in Coventry with Emma and John, too.
And I know I’ll be happy again, but right now, the loneliness tastes bitter on my tongue.
I want nothing more than to be with Nash. But I’m not ready.
I’m not ready to drag him into the mess from my past, and I’m not ready to be in a relationship with a man like Nash – someone who has his life together, who is a parent, who is such an incredible, caring man. Because if I let him take care of me now, I’ll never learn how to take care of myself.
And that was the decision I came to in that hospital room.
That I wanted to get help to become the very best version of myself I can be.
Someone who can stand on his own two feet and who doesn’t see himself as someone who needs to be worthy of a man like Nash.
I want to see myself for all that I am and know that a man like Nash deserves me.
I want to be able to put myself first for once. I’ve always accepted what life threw at me, made the best of bad situations, and got through it. I don’t want to get through life anymore. I want to live it.
I want a big, bold, beautiful life, and I want to know that I can stand on my own first. Then, and only then, will I know that I’m ready to share my life with someone who loves me for who I really am.
I don’t think I know who I really am at the moment. I’ve been a bit of a chameleon, shape-shifting and blending in to make life go by easier. But after the last few days, I want to lean into the difficult shit, to face it head-on and win.
The first step to doing that was acknowledging and communicating my feelings to Nash.
I wanted him to know how I feel about him, because I don’t think the feelings I have will change regardless of how I might change.
And if he was being honest like he seemed to be, and he truly has feelings for me now, when I’m at my most broken, maybe he can love me when I put my pieces back together as well.
I continue sketching for as long as I can, but it doesn’t take long for my fingers to get too cold to be able to move them how I need to.
Packing up my backpack, I make my way back to Aidan’s car that I borrowed after I dropped Pax back at the house, and I drive the fifteen or so minutes to Aidan and Rain’s home.
I park the Land Rover in its usual spot and pull my phone out of my pocket. I send a quick message, then pocket my phone before taking a second to look at the house in front of me. If it’s possible, I’m dreading this conversation more than I did the one with Nash last night.
As soon as Rain messaged me after I’d liked that photo he accidentally got tagged in on Instagram, we’ve been with each other every single day.
Even when he’s working over in the Dream Boats office, and I’ve been drawing in the house, we’ve kept up a pretty steady stream of text all day.
We’ve been making a damn good effort to make up for the time our friendship never had to grow the way it would have if it weren’t for Dan and Dominic.
Just the thought of Dominic’s name is enough to push me out of the car. I know what I need to do.
Rain is sitting on the couch, a warm blanket over his legs, and Pax is curled up on his feet, while Aidan is chopping vegetables in the kitchen.
Judging by the size of the pot on the stove, I think he’s making soup.
My stomach swoops at that idea. There is nothing more romantic than your partner making soup for you when you’re poorly or, in Rain’s case, recovering from injuries inflicted upon you by a psychotic man with an axe to grind.
He smiles up at me when I enter, and Aidan gives me a wave from the kitchen. He frowns slightly when he sees the look on my face and, thankfully, decides to stay in the kitchen. I feel sick, my stomach swirling like a flotilla of Aidan’s yachts is cresting the waves of my anxiety.
“Hey, babe. You OK?” Rain asks, using his arms to drag himself a little more upright.
Such a simple question, and yet it’s the thing that breaks me.
Rain’s smile drops, and he tries to get up even as I crumple to my knees in front of him.
My face is buried in his lap, sobs wracking my still too-thin body.
Rain’s hand hesitantly goes to the back of my head as he shushes me, and I feel him move slightly from side to side as he waves Aidan off.
It takes a while before I can get some control over my emotions again. When I do, and I straighten, Rain’s concerned gaze is all I see.
“Corey, babe? What’s going on? Did something happen with Nash? Are you—”
“I can’t stay here anymore.”
The words are out before I’m aware of them, and Rain just cocks his head at me, sympathy and disappointment clouding his features.
“W-what d’you mean?” Rain sounds unnerved, and still his strength of character glows from him as he gently takes both my hands and urges me to sit beside him, pulling back the blanket and resting his legs on my thighs before covering us both with what I’m certain used to be Pax’s blanket.
Pax jumps down, huffing in concern, and sits in front of me, resting his chin on my knee. The way this dog reads just what people need in terms of support and comfort is truly remarkable. No wonder he’s been such a godsend to Aidan with his anxiety.
“I thought you and Nash might be…” Rain trails off, confusion lacing his words.
“I wanted to,” I say, avoiding Rain’s eyes.
“I really wanted to. And I think he did too, but…” The words we both said to each other are ours, private.
But one thing we agreed on sums this situation up in a nutshell that I think Rain will understand completely.
I turn to him, tears of sadness and regret filling my eyes. “Right guy, wrong time.”
Rain takes a moment to consider all the myriad implications of those four damning words. I see the moment the reality of my situation hits him, and a frown of concern creases his brow even as his own tears of empathy and frustration start to fall.
“Right guy, wrong time,” he sniffles, then leans up and wraps me in his arms. We cry together for long moments until I feel the tell-tale buzz of a text message from my pocket. Rain releases his hold on me, and I pull my phone out. A reply to the message I sent just before I came inside.
Me: Hi John. Things haven’t quite gone to plan. Could I possibly come and stay with you for a while?
John: Of course, son. Just get here in one piece and we’ll put the world to rights when you’re ready. I’ll get the spare room made up for you. No more fucking tents!
I turn my phone to show Rain the message, and he smiles at me, although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“It’s just until the situation with Dominic is sorted. Then I’ll come back,” I say, “if you’ll have me.”
“Promise?” Rain asks.
“Promise. This is where I want to be, I’m just not ready for this life yet.”
“You’re ready, you just need to find a way to believe that you are,” Rain says, pulling me into another hug. His perceptiveness is incredible, but it does tend to hold up a mirror that I’m not always ready to look into.
“I’m going to get some help,” I vow. “I need to deal with” – I wave my hand around my head – “all of this, and then I’m coming back. I love it here, and this is where I want to be for the future, but if I go, I’m hoping Dominic at least won’t come back here.”
“Maybe he should come back here,” Aidan growls from the kitchen, and Rain and I eye each other before chuckling softly.
“I’m going to miss you,” Rain says.
“I’ll miss you too, but fuck, I’m only going to be in Coventry, and we’ll text all the time.”
“Lad’s night in Cov when you’re settled?”
I laugh at that, unsure how much of a night out there is to be had in Coventry, but even one good pub will be enough if we’re together. And if Emma’s there too? Jesus, the thought of Rain and Emma together is… something. I’m not sure I’d stand a chance.
“So when are you leaving?”
“I promised Nash I’d meet Nancy later on today, so maybe tomorrow?”
“Why don’t you get an open ticket for the train so you can leave whenever. At least you can just go from Norwich this time. It’s a lot closer, and we’ll give you a lift there, won’t we, babe?” Rain calls the last part of his statement to Aidan.
He comes into the room carrying two cups of tea, and a packet of Jammie Dodgers – my favourite biscuits – and sets his treasure down on the coffee table before speaking.
“Of course we will, and there’s a room here for you whenever you want to come back, or just to visit. This is your home, Cor. I hope you know that.”
I stand, unceremoniously dumping Rain’s legs back on the sofa behind me, to which he winces a little, and wrap Aidan in a huge hug. Aidan and I haven’t spent a lot of time getting to know each other, but our respect for each other stems from our mutual love for Rain.
“Thank you for everything, Aidan,” I sniff wetly into his ear.
“Thank you too, mate. We’re here. Anytime. And don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on Nash for you.” He winks as he pulls away, then leaves the room again, ruffling Rain’s hair as he passes.
I go to say something about how Nash isn’t mine to worry about, but it’s pointless.
I’ve obviously done a crap job at hiding my feelings for Nash, and if I’m honest with myself, I kind of like the idea that, however loosely, however far ahead in the future it might be, that Nash could someday be mine.
An hour or two later, I’ve just purchased an open train ticket for New Year’s Day – tomorrow – and I’m making good progress with packing.
My bed is covered in small piles of clothes, all folded neatly, ready to be placed into the suitcase Aidan nipped out to get for me.
It has a Latham’s label on it, and I’m sorry I never got a chance to mooch around the local legendary store.
Apparently, Latham’s is a staple shop on the Norfolk Broads, where you can buy everything from food and drink to clothes, to fishing tackle, home decor, pet supplies… the list is endless. I love a bargain shop, and I make a mental note to pester Rain to take me there when I next visit.
I’ve been texting back and forth with John, trying to give him an idea of when I’ll be arriving tomorrow, but he reassured me it doesn’t matter.
He lives close to the train station anyway, so I can walk to his house from there, and he said he’d be at home all day.
He’s promised me some of his legendary chilli for dinner and a very large bottle of red wine.
I also texted with Emma, letting her know I was coming back. Her initial concern was quickly replaced by her inner gossipmonger.
Emma: I can’t wait to get all the tea. We’re going to have a tea party. A tea bonanza. Boston Harbour will have nothing on us!
I’d been careful not to mention anything about the psychotic, fugitive ex on the lam from the police, truly believing that was a story best kept for a face-to-face conversation.
She and John both need to be aware of the risks if they’re going to be around me, even though there is no reason for Dominic to know I have any connection to them.
I just want them to have a choice, and if they decide I’m not worth the trouble, then I’ll hop another train to Inverness or something. I’ve always wanted to see the Highlands. Maybe Emma could even give me a recommendation of some sights to see.
My phone buzzes, and I open the text that just popped up, expecting it to be Emma with more tea-based humour, only to feel giddy with nerves when I see it’s from Nash.
Nash: Nancy’s here and settled in if the explosion of toys and chaos is anything to go by. Come and meet her? X
I can only imagine the anxious twitch of Nash’s left eye at the mess a child leaves in their wake.
Especially one who is as excited as Nancy no doubt is at finally finding her forever home.
I have absolutely no worries, however, that he isn’t also loving every minute of it.
Nancy was being dropped off by Nash’s social worker after saying goodbye to her foster parents at their home.
Apparently, it makes the transition easier, and I can only imagine how true that must be.
At least if the foster parents are as great as Nash told me Nancy’s were.
And hearing that Nancy has come in and immediately made herself at home must be such a relief for Nash. The social worker was staying to get her settled, but she must have gone now if Nash is inviting me back.
Suddenly, I can’t move fast enough, desperate to spend as much time in his company as I can before I have to leave. And even more desperate to meet the new girl in his life, the one who will make his oldest dream come true.
I love her already for nothing more than that.
Me: LOL. I’m on my way x