Chapter 25 #2
April and May seem to disappear in a flash, a simple routine of work, rest, and play.
The weekend at home with Nash, Nancy, Rain, and everyone else filled my heart with so much joy that I’ve been floating on air since then.
Having Em with me was just the icing on the cake.
She was a smash hit, as she is everywhere she goes.
She and Rain text every day about The Traitors, a TV show that I have never watched and have no interest in, so they leave those discussions out of our group chat.
Emma and Nash had a deep and meaningful about different models of education, and after a few glasses of wine, Emma’s passion for Steiner’s educational philosophy – whereby the focus is on developing the whole child, intellectually, artistically, and practically, through creative methods – was enough to convince Nash that automatically opting into mainstream schooling might not always be the best choice for every child.
He told me afterwards that while he’d been a little intimidated by her fierce intelligence paired with Scots passion, he appreciated that she was able to show him that, especially given how successful art therapy has been with Nancy, something like Steiner education, at least for pre-school, might be something to consider.
That’s one of the things I love about Nash. He knows so much about his own area of specialism, but he doesn’t allow that to feed his ego so much that he’s developed a God complex like some doctors. He respects and values others’ knowledge and expertise and holds them in the same regard as his own.
Another thing I love about Nash…
I catch my train of thought even as it comes to me. When did I start thinking about Nash in terms of ‘love’? And when did I start considering Fenside Common ‘home’?
Home is where the heart is, I suppose.
Deciding not to explore that too closely, so I don’t end up doing something rash and moving back before things with Dominic are resolved, I go back to polishing the workout racks and cable machines.
June
Dear Nash,
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reread your last letter, dreaming about having you kiss me all over. I think about you when I’m alone in my bed, and my body aches for you. I dream about your hands, your mouth, your hard cock pressing inside me. Fuck, I want you, Nash.
I want you to hold me down and make me feel you. I want you to fill me up and hold me tight all night. I want to scream your name while you fuck me into the mattress, and then I want you to growl into my ear that I’m yours as you come.
Fuck, I’m horny. I wish you were here. I just made myself come after writing that, and all I thought about was you. We may have to have a very private video call soon, babe. On second thought, no. I want our first time to be the day I can finally come home.
I was thinking about this the other day, how I’ve started thinking of Fenside Common as home since your birthday. I don’t think I’ve thought of anywhere as home since I was living with Grandma. That’s down to you and your incredible family, and I’m beyond grateful.
I need to go and clean up now. I’ll think of you in the shower. Maybe I’ll get myself off again while I’m hot, and wet, and soapy.
You’re in my heart, babe. Every day.
Your little rabbit.
xx
My best friend got engaged.
Rain called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that Aidan took him sailing and proposed while they were out on the water. Lots of sweet words and solid affirmations were made, and I have no doubt that they both cried a tear or two.
I can’t describe how happy I am for Rain.
He’s discovered the joy of Gay Groom as a search term on Pinterest, and because he shared his board with me, I get very regular notifications of new pins.
Like… all day. Every day. I wake up to them.
I go to sleep with them. They haunt my every waking moment.
I don’t mind it, though. Totally don’t mind.
The truth is, I really don’t. It means I’m able to be a part of this huge step in his life from a distance and support him through it. He and Aidan don’t want to wait long, so at least I know the pins will slow soon.
And today, I’m waiting in the concourse at Coventry station, waiting for him to get off the train so we can celebrate.
When we started talking about stag do ideas, all he wanted to do was come to Coventry, stay with me – John is escaping to Andrew’s as we speak – and have a takeaway and wine night with me and Emma. That’s it.
I’ve just finished checking my phone for the hundredth time in my excitement to see him, wondering if he’s texted to say he’s lost or can’t find me, when I look up, and he’s right in front of me.
I let out a high-pitched squeal and throw my arms around him. We talk all the time, either by text or video call, and I mean every single day. But there is nothing so good as having him here in person. He gives great hugs, warm and comforting, just like him.
“Hi, babe,” he chuckles into my ear as I squeeze the life out of him. He doesn’t hug me back, hands too full of bags to go around me. “I’d ask how you are, but I spoke to you last night and this morning.”
We laugh as I release him and take his backpack from his hand before looping my arm through his and leading us outside.
We walk the short distance to John’s house, enjoying the warmth of the summer sun as it rises to its peak.
Rain is regaling me with a tale of the couple sitting in the seats in front of him, having very sexual text conversations on their phones.
He, of course, peeked through the gap in the seats so he could tell me all the tea.
“All I’m gonna say is straight people are gross,” he complains around a curled upper lip and scrunched nose.
I snort a laugh.
“Right?”
I open the gate to the small front garden, and before I can even get it closed behind Rain, he’s engulfed in a tiny mass of boobs, blue hair, and bad language.
“Finally! How fuckin’ long does a train from cabbage land take? Jesus, I’ve been waitin’ around here with three wine glasses and no fucking patience for hours.”
“I left twenty-five minutes ago, drama queen,” I say, rolling my eyes affectionately.
“I wasnae talking to you. C’mon, Rain, let’s get a drink while this one makes us some lunch.”
“Lemme tell you about these two kinky fuckers on the train,” Rain replies, voice trailing off the farther he goes into the house.
I stand on the doorstep watching with a grin on my face as my two best friends head inside, Emma’s arm around Rain’s waist, his around her shoulders.
Fuck, I love these two idiots.
Four hours, three bottles of wine, and two pizzas – one with ham and pineapple, obviously – later we’re all a bit drunk, fat, and happy, wearing our pjs on the sofa. Well, I’m snuggled up in Nash’s hoodie, as always, but it’s become a staple part of my comfies.
“Sooo,” Rain sing-songs, glancing sideways at Emma, who gives him a subtle nod. “I think it’s about time you tell us what’s going on with you and a certain hunky doctor, don’t you.”
I’ve been expecting this interrogation, and since we’ve discussed the proposal, the wedding, Emma’s last fuck – epic, by all accounts – my progress in therapy, Rain’s progress in therapy, my newly minted career goal, the case against Dan, and the whereabouts of his fucking brother, there really isn’t anything left for us to cover.
“There’s not really a lot to say,” I hedge. It’s not that I don’t trust them to keep what we discuss between us, Rain especially, since he’s practically family to Nash, it’s more that I don’t want to face just how much I miss being around him.
“Bullshit.” Emma coughs around the word, then tilts her head at me in a ‘bitch please’ gesture I’ve seen from her a thousand times.
“Come on, babe,” Rain insists. “We’ve seen his googly eyes around you. He barely let you out of his sight at his birthday.”
“Oh, and there was the way he tried to eat your tonsils in his driveway,” Emma adds with a wink. She saw that?
I sigh. “Look, we both have feelings for each other, and we’ve kissed a couple of times. But that’s it. Nothing else has happened,” I say, taking another sip of my wine. “Nothing else physical anyway,” I mumble.
“What’s that now?” Emma asks, leaning into my side to rest her face obnoxiously on my shoulder.
I know I’m not getting out of this conversation. I close my eyes for one, two, three seconds, taking a deep breath to fortify myself.
“I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him, but I can’t go back until Dominic isn’t an issue anymore.
Nash just adopted Nancy. I can’t take the risk that something could happen to him, to her, if Dominic thought they were leverage to get to me.
Fuck knows what his psycho arse is thinking.
All I know is, I fell in love with the right guy at the wrong time, and now I’m just waiting for the day he doesn’t write back to me because he met someone else, someone who doesn’t have a psycho ex-shaped albatross around their neck, and he now wants nothing more to do with me. ”
They’re both silent at my outburst, a mixture of emotions crossing both their faces.
Pity, maybe? Understanding, perhaps? No, just humour.
Peals of laughter burst from both of them, and they crash into one another on the floor.
They are literally rolling on the floor laughing at me.
I cross my arms over my chest, a frown weighing down my face, as I wait for the apparent hilarity to calm.
“Fuck’s sake, babe. If you think that man could or would ever look at someone else, then you haven’t been paying attention.” Rain wheezes between words as Emma tries and fails to straighten her face.
“Seriously, Corey. I met the man for like twenty-four hours in total, and he is the most smitten kitten to ever smit… smite? Smit?”
“Listen to me when I tell you this, OK? Nash is in love with you, even if he hasn’t realised it himself yet.
Whenever you text or call him when he’s with us, his face lights up like a Christmas tree.
And then he just stares at his phone, watching the dots bounce, waiting for you to text him back.
He never shuts up about you, and even Nancy keeps asking when you’re coming home so ‘Daddy can stop talking about Bunny and just be his boyfriend instead’. ”
I could probably catch flies with how wide open my mouth is hanging, and a flutter of hope tries to take off in my belly, that goddamned kaleidoscope of butterflies making themselves known again.
“What?” I finally manage to squeak.
“Lemme get this straight,” Emma says, before polishing off her glass of wine. “You’re in love with Nash?”
I nod.
“OK, and Nash is in love with you?”
Rain nods. I shrug self-consciously, but with so much fucking hope I could cry.
“And you’re doing loads better after therapy, and you know what you want to do with your career?”
“Pretty much,” I reply.
“So then, why the fuck are ye still living in Coventry when you could be in that picture postcard village with a gorgeous man, an even more gorgeous little girl, and basically everything you’ve ever wanted?”
“Because I never get the happy ending, OK,” I shout.
This time, they really are silent.
“Every time in my life that I thought I might be OK, something happened that turned my life upside down again. I don’t think I would survive it if I tried for a happy ending with Nash, and Dominic turned up to fuck it all up for me.”
“So, you’d rather not try?” Rain asks gently.
I cover my face with my hands and cry. My friends immediately realise this is no longer a laughing matter and sandwich me between them on the sofa.
“I fucking miss him so much. We haven’t even had sex or anything, literally just a couple of kisses, but the way he makes me feel safe, seen, special… It’s like nothing I’ve ever known before.”
“You are special, babe,” Rain whispers, and I lean into him.
“And so many other things besides,” Emma deadpans, and my tears dissolve into wet laughter.
“Did you know we’re pen pals?”
“Shut up,” Rain gasps.
“That may be the cutest fuckin’ thing I’ve ever heard. It’s disgusting,” Emma retorts, but she’s grinning softly at me.
“What do you write about?” Rain asks, sincerity filling his voice.
“Everything, really. It’s easier to be honest in writing, you know? Oh God…”
“What?” they ask in unison.
“I’d had a bit to drink the last time I wrote him.”
“Oh my God… Spill the tea, Corey,” Emma insists.
“I may have told him about all the sexy things I wanted him to do to me,” I wince.
“You didn’t!” Rain’s voice is tight with mirth. Yeah, I know, pal.
“I did. And I walked to the postbox in my pyjamas to send it. I completely forgot until I got a voice note from him a few days later.”
“What did he say?” Emma asks, bouncing in her seat, unable to contain herself.
I think back to how Nash had growled, legit growled, at me in his voice note.
“He may have growled at me and told me I’d made him hard in front of his brothers.”
The way we laugh fills not only the whole house, but my whole heart.
“OK, so now… enquiring minds want to know. What did you ask him to do to you?” Emma asks, no boundaries, no fucks given. And I love her for it.
“Well…”