Chapter 12
12
Garran knelt in front of Dave, feeding him happles—a Ulaperian fruit that tasted like New Earth apples but were shaped like smiling mouths, hence the name—from the hors d’oeuvres table and whispering to him in Argosian that he was a “very fine goat.”
Clearing my throat, drawing his attention from his new barnyard friend, I said, “Hello, darling. Are you ready?”
Garran’s purple eyes met mine, and when I tilted my head toward the dance floor, he stood, wiping his hands on his coveralls. “Are you sure about this?”
“Positive,” I said. I might be an absolute disaster about some things, but this wasn’t one of them. “I’ll be out there, close enough to Kasa’s table that she’ll see me, but not so close that I’ll seem obvious. As soon as the next slow song starts, come find me and ask me to dance.”
He hefted his shoulders. “If you say so.”
“Trust me, Garran. I’m a professional.”
After giving me a slow, uncertain nod, he gazed down at Dave. “I enjoy this goat,” he said, his lips tilting into a sideways grin. “I have many goats back on Argos. Their milk makes fine soap.” When he turned toward Kasa’s table, his tone softened. “I made soap for her once—jasmine and honeysuckle.”
I sighed. Must everyone on this ship be a hopeless romantic ? “You’ve got this, big guy. Just do as I say and follow my lead”—I gave him a wink—“and you’ll be lathering her up in no time.”
While his cheeks turned a dusky maroon, I left him with the goat and made another pass by Raphael’s table. While Raphe ran his fingertips up my arm, I reminded my flailing mind that all I wanted tonight, or any night, was the simple pleasure of a wonderful time with a willing being and not a single string attached. Which , by the way , was all Freddie was supposed to be in the first place.
On my way back to the dance floor, I spied Captain Declan and Co-Captain Isla Jones making their appearance, strolling arm in arm through the fire. Isla was breathtaking, her dark-brown skin glowing against a stunning red satin gown, her hair down in tight spiral curls that bounced gently off her shoulders. She waved, and I waved back as Declan pivoted her toward the bar. Normally, I’d have followed them or asked them to come sit with Raphael and me when they were finished getting their drinks. But instead of doing any of that, I found myself in the middle of the ballroom ten minutes later, with Garran’s arms slung low around my waist and his big, warm hands swaying me side to side.
It had been awkward at first, slow dancing with a being twice my size. But after the third song, I didn’t even have to pretend I was having a nice time anymore. And while our performance wasn’t necessarily genuine, when he spun me around in a circle, then dipped me nearly to the floor, the laugher that bubbled out of me was one hundred percent authentic. And maybe that was the touch that sealed the deal. Because before my laughter had fully faded, strong fingers tapped on my shoulder.
“Kasa,” Garran said while his grip on my waist loosened, letting me slide free of his arms.
“Dance.” The word was more demand than request. Kasa gave me an impressively withering side-eye as she edged me out. “Now.”
While triumph surged through me—and also terror, because I’m pretty sure Kasa growled—I stood on my tiptoes, gave Garran a quick kiss on his cheek, and whispered, “One dance, then you leave,” before getting the hells out of Kasa’s way.
Garran pulled Kasa into his arms, and with a ghost of a smile, because at least one thing had gone right tonight, I made my way backstage to see if Elanie needed any help with cleanup.
Popping my head behind the curtain, I found Elanie sitting next to Chan and— would you look at that —that Delphinian female he’d been making heart eyes over. This was usually the point where I’d rub my hands together and start scheming all the ways I could get them together, but my hands were frozen at my sides, useless. Because across from Chan, with his suit coat open, his tie loose, and the top button of his shirt undone, sat Freddie. I stepped into view, and the smile that had been lighting up his face died like fire in a rainstorm when he noticed me.
“Sunny,” Chan shouted, waving me over. “How are you?”
“Super,” I lied. “I think this might be the best Fire Ball we’ve had since I came aboard.”
“I saw Raphael out there. Nice of him to come, wasn’t it?” Chan waggled his eyebrows, and I fought the urge to palm my forehead .
“I’m Sunny,” I said instead, introducing myself to the Delphinian. “You were wonderful up there. And you have my undying gratitude for fixing my favorite pool.”
While Chan found something fascinating to look at on his hoverchair control panel, the Delphinian said, “I’m Makenna. Thank you. And it was nothing.”
“Not according to every other magician from your planet who’s tried,” I said, taking the empty chair next to her. Turning her way, crossing my legs, doing everything possible to avoid looking in Freddie’s general direction, I told her, “The show was phenomenal.”
She beamed. “We’ve been preparing for ages. Really came together tonight, though.” When she pulled her braids back off her shoulders, revealing her long, graceful neck, I didn’t miss the way Chan sat forward in his hoverchair. I also didn’t miss the way Makenna responded, her attention drifting toward him, her hands clasping in her lap, her lips tilting, hinting at a smile.
Well done, Chan, I commed. I don’t know how you’ve managed it, but she is absolutely feeling you.
No, he commed back, toying with his control panel again. She’s just being nice.
She’s just undressing you in her mind.
What? His head snapped up. She is? How do you know?
It’s as obvious as the stars. Keep doing whatever you’re doing. Because it’s working.
Clicking off the comm, I rose from my chair and said, “Well, I’d better get back out there.” Elanie seemed to have everything under control—and I seemed to have stumbled into a private party I felt somehow uninvited to. While I said my goodbyes—and despite my very best efforts not to let it happen—some invisible force grasped my head and turned it toward Freddie. Our gazes locked for an electric instant before his dropped like a stone to his shoes. The moment was over before it had even started, but the intensity of it crackled over my skin. And then the loss of it rolled over me like a wave, dousing everything in its path.
What’s wrong with you? Elanie commed. Why do you look like someone just died? Did someone just die?
I loved her, but she really needed to learn a lesson about when to mind her own business. I got my period, I said, trying not to laugh at the utter horror contorting her features. Heavy flow. Terrible cramps.
After comming, Hormones are horrifying, with a body-wide shudder, she left me alone while I snuck out from behind the curtain with as little fanfare as possible. I didn’t dare a single glance at Freddie even though I could feel him staring at me, like a hand on my lower back, fingers grazing across my neck. While a shiver tried to race down my spine, I strode with purpose across the ballroom and took the seat Raphe slid out beside him.
“Are you finally mine?” he asked, brushing his knuckles over my cheek.
“Yes,” I replied, leaning into him, ignoring the restless ache in my heart, the magnetic pull tugging me behind the stage, back to where Freddie sat between a gap in the curtains, running a hand through his hair, laughing at something someone must have said, happier now that I was gone. “I’m all yours.”
Although I collected hang-ups the way Morgath collected comic books, uncertainty had never been one of them. When faced with a dilemma, I followed my instincts, made my choice, put my head down, and never looked back. Tonight, however—after the Fire Ball unraveled into warple cake and ambrosia cocktail–infused mayhem, and we had to shut it down—there it was, slinking over my skin like mist off a mountain. Uncertainty. And I did not care for it one bit.
As Raphael led me from the ballroom, I glanced over my shoulder, spying the crew making use of the dregs from the bar, the music, and the now empty dance floor to have their own party. Chan tilted his hoverchair from side to side with Tig in hysterics riding on his lap. Rax and Morgath stomped around in whatever bizarre moves passed for dancing in the ranks of the Aquilinian military. And Freddie laughed, his necktie looped around his head, Elanie holding the ends in her hand as she led him around the dance floor like a little lost puppy. A puppy I hadn’t had the courage to say good night to.
“Sunny.” Raphael winced. “You’re squeezing my hand.”
“Oh, sorry,” I said. I hadn’t noticed I’d been gripping him so tightly. The same way Freddie hadn’t noticed me leaving.
Exiting the ballroom, uncertainty hanging heavily over my shoulders, I followed behind Raphael. Each step was slow, labored. Like trudging through the marshy depths of a Gorbulon-7 bog while it tried to suck you under. In the elevator up to the Afterglow suite, the sinking sensation intensified.
Raphael and I stood far enough away to fit at least two Blurvans between us. And as the decks ticked by, I couldn’t stop thinking about a different elevator. A different man. When I stood as close to him as physics would allow. So close our hips touched, our shoulders. When his thumb brushed so softly over mine that I felt the ghost of it even now. When my body had needed his, ached for it. When I thought I might have screamed if he didn’t? —
“The captains are looking well,” Raphe said, yanking me out of one elevator and into another. “I still can’t fathom what brought them to the Ignisar . Did you know they were both New Earth Space Administration astronauts before they jumped to the private sector?”
I gave him a stilted nod. “Mm-hmm.”
“Combined, those two have more space-walk time under their belts than any other New Earthers who’ve ever stepped foot into the big black. That they’ve settled for life as captain and co-captain of this ship is?—”
“A bit of a head scratcher,” I admitted.
Small talk. I was forcing Raphael—a brilliant, gorgeous, and entirely too-busy-to-make-small-talk man—to make small talk. What is wrong with me?
While panic rushed in, while my palms and my armpits started to sweat, the answer popped into my head. There was nothing wrong with me. I was fine. Totally fine. It had just been far too long since I’d gotten laid. That was all. Once I did, everything would make sense again. Everything would click back into place.
Edging close to Raphael, I skated my hands under the lapel of his suit coat. While his pecs tensed under my fingertips, I said, “It is good to see you, Raphe.” There. That was normal.
With a glint in his eye, he purred, “It will be good to do something other than only see you.” But then he closed the remaining distance between us, lowering his lips to mine, hovering only a breath away. And, okay , there was definitely something wrong with me, because I flinched, leaned back, contemplated faking a sneeze just to get out of kissing him. And I would have, one hundred percent, if the elevator doors hadn’t chosen that moment to slide open.
“After you,” Raphe said smoothly, waving me through .
Maybe he hadn’t noticed the way I’d frozen up. Maybe I could swerve my weird mental block into some sort of kinky role play. The shy, inexperienced ingénue…or whatever.
The walk to the Afterglow suite took a planet’s full rotation around its sun amount of time. Raphael followed a few steps behind me, but when I reached his door, he caught up, pressing the hard length of his body into mine.
Reaching his hand around me to place his thumb on the suite’s security panel, he touched his lips to the back of my neck and said, “I’ve missed you, Sunastara.”
When the door slid open, I practically did a dive roll away from him, racing to the bar like it was a raft bobbing in shark-infested waters.
“Sunny?” he asked, walking into his suite at a perfectly normal speed. “Is everything all right?”
“Oh, yeah.” I gave him a dismissive wrist flick before pulling the cork from a bottle of dark Portisan rum some benevolent god had stocked his bar with. “Just thirsty.”
“Okay.” His brows slid together while I brought the bottle to my lips and started chugging. “Do you want a glass?”
Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I said, “I’m good.”
He loosened his tie, undid his cuff links. “Give me a moment?”
Yes, absolutely, take all the moments . “Of course,” I said before downing another swig.
While he disappeared into his bathroom, I spun around, sank onto one of the couches facing the flexGlass wall, buried my head in my hands, and groaned, “Fuck.”
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know why— am I getting sick? PMSing? Exhausted beyond all rational thought?— but for some unknowable reason, I couldn’t be with him. I just couldn’t.
“Raphe?” I rose to my feet, head cocked, brow furrowed, when he returned from the bathroom. I’d been expecting him to come out swinging, gorgeous in a robe, maybe only his boxers. Definitely not in exercise shorts, tennis shoes, and a sporty hooded sweatshirt. “What are you wearing?” Maybe he wanted to role play too? Sexy athletic trainer meets sedentary party girl?
Pointing his chin toward the couch, he said, “Have a seat, Sunny.”
He knew. Stars save me , he knew. I didn’t know what he knew, but he knew enough. Dropping onto his couch again, I shut my eyes and slammed my hands over my face.
“No.” Sitting beside me, he pulled my hands down, one at a time. “Don’t do that.”
I kept my eyes shut, hiding. From him or from myself, I wasn’t sure. “I’m so sorry, Raphe.”
His hand slid over my cheek. “Open your eyes. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”
I cracked one eye open, then the other, but I had no idea where to begin.
After I stared at him for a moment, failing to find my words, he asked, “How long have we been doing this, you and I?”
“Since I started working here.” Since tragedy shook my life to its core, and I ran away to this ship to hide from it all . “Almost five years.”
“Five years.” He sighed, his lips pressing into a resigned smile. “Not a bad run. But I knew, eventually, it would come to an end.”
“Nothing is ending. I’m just?—”
Brushing my bangs back from my forehead, he said, “ But maybe it should. End, that is. Maybe it’s time to let go of whatever has been holding you back.”
“What are you talking about?” I sat up, my heart lurching painfully into my throat. “Nothing’s holding me back. I’m just tired. It was a long night. That’s all.”
He shook his head, rueful. “I always hoped I might be the one you’d choose, but that man—what was his name? Freddie?”
“Freddie?” I asked, looking at him like he’d made up the word.
“Yes,” he said with a small, patient laugh.
“What about Freddie? There’s nothing… We aren’t… We’re not together. At all.”
“Are you sure?” he asked, a sleek brow raised. “Because he looked at you so many times tonight, I stopped keeping track.”
I blinked, something light and bubbly fluttering in my stomach. “He did?”
“And you,” he said slowly, like he was begging me to disagree, “couldn’t take your eyes off him either.”
Slumping back against the cushions, I relented, too exhausted to deny it. Plus, he was a lawyer. He’d see through me anyway. “I have been a miserable date.”
He clicked his tongue. “Not my finest hour, I’ll admit. I wanted to have you at least one more time before you left me.”
Turning toward him, I took his hoodie in both hands and pulled, still trying to convince myself that none of this was happening. I was still Sunny, and he was still Raphe, and we still made sense together when nothing else did. “It’s not too late,” I said, even though we both knew it was.
Air rushed from his nose. “Sleeping with a woman while she’s thinking of someone else isn’t really my thing. ”
“Fuck,” I groaned again. “Why is this happening to me?”
Taking my hands in his, he squeezed gently and said, “It happens to us all, eventually. If we’re lucky.”
“No.” I shook my head in fierce denial. “It’s not that. It’s only an infatuation. It’ll pass.”
“In the five years I’ve known you,” he said, cutting through my bullshit like a surgeon with a laser scalpel, “I have never, not once, seen you this affected by another being. I won’t pretend to know the circumstances of your relationship with Freddie?—”
Mind-blowing one-night stand that has left me in an utterly unraveled heap ever since .
“—but something like this doesn’t come along every day, Sunny. It’s fleeting and precious, and it should never, ever be ignored. Whether you want to be with him or not, for whatever reason, you should talk to him. Really talk to him. Because he feels something for you, I can tell. And if you feel something for him, you owe it to yourself, and to him, to tell him. At the very least, even if nothing comes of it, he’ll know that he isn’t losing his mind.”
He was right. I’d been so unfair to Freddie, and to Raphe. But not without reason. “What if I can’t? What if I’m too”—I summoned every ounce of courage I had in my entire body to utter the word—“scared?”
He cupped my face between his hands, brushed his thumbs over my cheeks, and gazed into my eyes. “You do what we all do when it’s required of us. Be brave.”