Chapter 16
16
When I commed Freddie that Phoebe was no longer available for dinner, he was surprisingly understanding. On second thought, it wasn’t surprising at all. Because of course he understood. Of course he wouldn’t have read my silent, telepathic cues to somehow save me from this situation by being demanding or upset or any number of things he would never be. It was hopeless, I realized while standing outside the Ramesh suite. I wasn’t getting out of this.
I puffed out my cheeks, raised my hand, and watched the door slide open before I’d had a chance to knock.
“Hi, Sunny,” Sai said, waving up at me. He wore faded jeans and an oversized yellow hoodie, his feet still bare. “Chan told me you’d be coming, so I’ve been watching the Vcams, waiting for you.”
“And here I am.” I bowed deeply. “At your service.”
His smile when I stood up straight was all teeth. “Come in. Have you had dinner?”
“Not yet. You?”
Bouncing into his kitchenette, he pulled a dish out of the fridge. “No, but my mom made me some palak paneer before she left. It’s so good. Want some?”
The dish he set on the counter smelled incredible. “I don’t think I’ve had that before.”
“Really? It’s my favorite. But”—his lips pulled to the side, his eyes hiding under his thick lashes—“ever since the incident with the tart, my moms won’t let me use the instaWave.”
“Ah, well,” I said. “That’s simple enough.”
After successfully warming the dish without any fire suppression required, I sat with Sai at the counter. The food was spicy, creamy, and absolutely delicious. It paired surprisingly well with the gigantic glass of lemonade he’d poured into a bright-blue tumbler and set in front of me.
“Stars, Sai. This is amazing.”
“Right? I knew you’d love it.”
“Tell me, what is this?” I raised my spoon, which held a small white square of something buttery and delectable.
Studying the object with a deeply furrowed brow, he said, “I think it’s cheese. But I’m not sure.”
I popped the probably-cheese into my mouth. “Well, it’s phenomenal. And this”—I raised my glass—“is the best lemonade in the entire KU.”
He beamed. “I made that. I made the lemonade.”
Pride radiated from him like starlight. His expression, his smile, his unbridled joy, I’d seen it before, so many times it was stamped onto my mind like a footprint. And yet, somehow, I’d forgotten it. How could I have forgotten that? How could I have forgotten one single thing about Jonathan? Stars save me , what else had I forgotten? What else was hiding from my mind and my heart, only waiting to resurface when the universe randomly chose to remind me?
I set down my spoon, my hands suddenly trembling, my throat spasming. I closed my eyes, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t catch my breath, couldn’t slow my racing heart.
“Are you okay?” Sai asked. “Is it the lemonade? Is it too sweet? My moms always say I make it too sweet. But I can’t help it. I just like it better that way. I’m sorry if you don’t like it. I can get you something else. NearMilk? VitoWater?”
This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have agreed to watch him. I knew it would be too much. My mouth went dry and my fingers tingled as white light crowded the edges of my vision. Next came the dizziness, the nausea, the buzzing sensation vibrating behind my forehead, into my chest, my legs.
“I’m fine, Sai,” I managed, sliding off my stool. “I just ate too quickly. Please excuse me. I’ll only be a minute.”
Not wanting to scare him, I did everything I could to walk calmly to the bathroom. Closing the door, I flipped down the toilet seat cover, sat, and bent forward, squeezing my head between my knees. “You’re all right. You’re all right. You’re all right,” I whispered, chanting it, trying to make it true. But I was not all right. I would never be all right. Maybe if I could breathe, if I could get to one of the ship’s sensory rooms and drown everything else out. Maybe if I could at least cry, just once, even a single tear?—
How’s the babysitting going?
His voice in my head sent me reeling. I rocked back, grasping the edges of the toilet, clinging to the sensation of the cool porcelain underneath my numb fingertips.
Freddie. Please. I need help.
What is it? What’s wrong? he asked, suddenly stern, serious as death. Is it the boy? I’m on my way.
Wait. Stop. It’s not Sai. It’s only me. I…I’m having a panic attack. It’s bad. I can’t breathe.
Ah. I see. He hummed over the comm. All right. Where are you now? His voice was quiet and slow, serene. It settled over my mind like a heavy blanket. Do you want me to come?
I’m hiding in the bathroom. And no, you don’t need to come. But…don’t leave me, okay? Don’t click off yet. Talk to me. Just talk to me, please.
I’m not going anywhere, Sunny. I’ll talk to you all night long if it’s what you need.
I won’t need all night. At least I hoped I wouldn’t. Just a few minutes, and it’ll settle.
Well then, let’s see. There was a brief silence. Here’s something. Have I ever told you about the sea lion population on Venus?
No. I don’t think so, I replied, coaxing small sips of air into my lungs. A moment passed, and then another. Too much silence. Freddie, are you still with me? I asked, my panic spiking.
Sorry. I’m here. I’m with you. I just had to take care of something. Where was I?
Sea lions.
Right. When LunaCorp terraformed Venus, the sea lion introduction program went a bit round the bend after their natural predators—namely sharks and whales—didn’t fare as well in the harsh early climate on the planet. As a result, the sea lions thrived.
That’s interesting, I managed, struggling to focus on his centering voice rather than my heart’s insistence on bruising my ribs.
When the first settlers arrived from Old Earth Europe, Freddie continued, they had no idea what to do with the literal millions of sea lions crowding the coastlines. Some they ate, others they made furs from, but they quickly realized that there was something strange about the Venusian sea lion.
Carefully pushing myself upright, the dizziness and tingling ebbing a fraction, I commed, What was different about them?
I am so glad you asked, he said brightly, and impossibly, my lips curled up at the corners. While the sea lions of Old Earth were not necessarily violent toward humans, they were far from friendly. The sea lions on Venus, however, were quite fond of the settlers. They’d come up onto the shore for pats on their noses, ride the ocean waves for applause and treats, and roll over in the sand for belly scratches. It wasn’t long before the settlers stopped killing them and started taking them home as pets instead.
Air puffed through my lips. Not quite a laugh, but getting there. Is any of this true?
Of course it’s true, he commed in feigned shock. You see, in the initial cloning and breeding program, something incredible happened.
Incredible? I asked doubtfully.
Yes. Do you want to know what it was?
Leaning to the side, pressing my cheek into the cool tile wall, coaching myself through a slow, deep breath, I commed, Tell me.
Well, somehow—and nobody has ever figured out when it happened, or who’s to blame, or where it started?—
Tell me, I insisted, my impossible smile giving way to inconceivable laughter.
Don’t interrupt me, and I will.
Okay, okay.
Somehow, he continued as the vise around my chest slid free, although, like I said, nobody knows how. But somehow, golden retriever DNA ended up mixing with the sea lion supply.
Laughing freely now, I shook my head. This is such a load of sea lion shit.
His soft chuckle caressed my mind. Aye, you’ve found me out. But did it work? Do you feel better?
As my panic faded—a whisper after the storm, just like in that poem he’d read me—I commed, I do. Thank you. Oh no! I bolted to my feet, slamming a hand against the wall for balance. Sai. I left him alone out there.
Well, no. Actually, you didn’t. I know you said not to come, but I figured he might be scared. So I came anyway. Forgive me. And what is this amazing food?
Groaning, I buried my face in my hands. It’s called palak paneer. I’m so embarrassed.
Don’t be. I told Sai that sometimes females just need some alone time in the bathroom. To which he rolled his eyes and replied, ‘I know. I have two moms.’ We’ll be out here whenever you’re ready to join us.
Thank you, Freddie.
Anytime, Sunny.