Chapter 26
26
Avoiding Freddie would be difficult, but not impossible. We had a staff meeting first thing, and then I’d spend the rest of the day preparing for the arrival of the FFKs. I could easily keep myself busy staging the Kravaxians’ rooms and stocking their refrigerators and minibars with their requested snacks and beverages—gelatinized trestal eggs, dried gwarfs, crater eel jerky, and, oddly , fruit punch.
I knew I couldn’t stay away from him forever, but I couldn’t bear to speak to him or have anything explained to me or be forced to explain anything back. Not for the next few days.
You’re late, Elanie snapped into my VC. Again.
On my way, I replied, chipper, trying to sound like I wasn’t a walking, talking bruised heart. How is it in there?
It is aggressively uncomfortable, she replied. I don’t think Tig has slept in two days. Rax and Morgath keep growling. Chan can’t stop looking around like he expects the room to explode. And Freddie is an absolute disaster. Did something happen to him last night?
I…couldn’t say.
The comm went silent for a few seconds—millennia for a bionic—and then she said an understated, and far too understanding, I see.
When I walked into the staff room, my plan was to smile genially at everyone around the table, take a seat, zone out during the meeting, and be the first one out the door. But then I saw him. Only someone born without a heart could have smiled. And the sharp ache piercing my chest was proof enough of mine.
He sat hunched forward, his face pale, his eyes sunken and rimmed in red.
Sunny, he commed, sounding as tortured as he looked, as tortured as I felt. Can we talk? Please?
It wasn’t fair. His sunken eyes, his pleading gaze. I shouldn’t have to feel sorry for him. I’d asked for space. I needed time. I had things to do, important things. I was at work.
Of course, I replied evenly while taking my seat, the one closest to the door, keeping my eyes on my hands in my lap.
After the meeting? he asked.
Chan, bless him , saved me from having to answer. “Good morning, everyone,” he said brightly. “Today is FFK day. I trust you all know your responsibilities?”
“Keeping trained killers from destroying our ship,” Rax muttered.
“Check,” Morgath replied, flicking a checkmark into the air with his finger.
The twins were armed to the teeth with nonlethals: flash grenades, chuck-cuffs, short-range jammers, paresis darts, sonic cannons. And some sort of massive laser gun thing I’d never seen before sat on the table in front of them. I didn’t even want to know what that was .
“Good morning.” The deep, commanding voice behind me snapped me out of my misery-haze, pulling me and everyone else at the table up to our full attention.
“Captain, Co-Captain,” Chan said, raising his hoverchair a few inches. “How wonderful to see you both this morning.”
“Excuse our intrusion,” Declan said. “We won’t take more than a moment of your time.” He didn’t wait for a response. “As you know, LunaCorp is sending Kravaxians to holiday with us today, and to train with some of you.”
Rax’s grumble earned a scathing are you kidding me right now? glare from Chan.
“We want you to know how important this visitation is for this ship, as well,” Declan continued, his tone level but his meaning as clear as flexGlass, “as for our employer. I have no doubt we will all treat our friends from Kravax with the professionalism and hospitality we are known throughout the KU for.” He looked directly at Rax and Morgath, and to their credit, they nodded, showing the captains the respect we all felt for them.
“We know there may be some reservations about this visit,” Isla added. “And we all have our own preconceived notions about Kravaxians. But Declan and I can assure you, there is nothing to worry about. These are not barbaric deep-space raiders. These are bright, dedicated beings who only want to move their planet into the thirty-first century. Thank you for all your hard work getting ready for this visit. I heard we were even able to secure a kurot.” With a smile, she winked at me. Likely noticing my current state of level-ten disaster, her brows pulled together when she said, “Prime work.”
And with that, the captains left as quickly as they’d arrived. But not before Isla gave me another concerned glance on her way out the door. Even though the nerves in the room seemed to settle in their wake, I was crawling out of my skin to be anywhere else.
Please don’t look at me, I commed Elanie. But I need your help,
What can I do? she asked, and if I hadn’t already been desperate to bolt, the sympathy in Elanie’s voice would have done the trick.
I don’t want to talk about it. So please don’t ask. But I need you to find me directly after the meeting to tell me there’s an emergency situation at the main deck buffet that requires my immediate attention.
The buffet? Do you really think he’ll believe that?
It was a relief, the snark I knew and loved.
I don’t particularly care what he believes.
Listen, Sunny. I know this isn’t my specialty—or something I know anything about at all—but if you ever do want to talk about it, I’m here.
Rubbing my palm into my sternum again, wondering if I should see Dr. Semson because this amount of chest pain couldn’t be good, I commed, Thank you, Elanie. But I’ll be fine.
When Chan called an end to the meeting, I stood, turned, and tried my hardest not to race for the door.
“Wait,” Freddie said, hot on my heels. “Sunny, wait.”
Because I couldn’t just run away, I slowed, stopped, turned around. Staring at my shoes, I said, “Hello, Freddie.”
“I need to explain,” he said. “This morning. You caught me off guard. But I can?—”
I raised my eyes, and then I raised my hand to cut him off. Because if he thought he’d been caught off guard?—
“Sunny.” Elanie appeared at my side. “There’s an emergency situation at the main deck buffet that requires your immediate attention,” she said, repeating my request verbatim and without inflection, just like the half robot she was. I should have asked for Tig’s help instead.
Freddie’s shoulders sank. “An emergency,” he said, defeat in his voice, in his expression, knowing it was a lie, knowing I’d asked Elanie to save me from having to talk to him.
Daring to meet his eyes, I said, “I’m sorry, Freddie. I have to go.”
He reached for me, but when I took a step back, his hand fell to his side. “Can we talk later? Please, Sunny. Give me a chance.”
I nearly caved right there, nearly buckled under the weight of his sincerity. “Let’s get through the Kravaxians,” I said, because then I’d be through the anniversary too. Then I wouldn’t be so weak. “Then we can talk.”
He nodded, looking resigned but also relieved. “All right. I’m here. I’ll be here.”
Giving him a tight smile, I walked to the elevators. Stepping inside, I pressed a random button, because I didn’t even know where I was going. I only knew I couldn’t be here. Just before the doors closed, I watched Elanie say something to Freddie, placing her hand on his arm while he shook his head, his chin dropping to his chest.
Sunny, Tig commed. Have a minute?
Since leaving Freddie in the hallway, I’d been hiding out in the Kravaxian’s rooms, programming their walls to display surprisingly beautiful digpics of their planet. Rather than the barren wasteland I’d pictured, Kravax was lush and mountainous. It reminded me a little of Tranquis. Which reminded me of Jonathan. Which reminded me of everything.
Of course, Tig, I commed back, hearing the exhausted strain in my own voice. What can I do for you?
Well, I’ve found out some stuff. If I sounded exhausted, she sounded completely wrecked.
Darling, when was the last time you slept?
Skirting the question, she commed, Remember the senator’s Proposition 2126?
I do.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Like, why would the senator mention it if it was no big deal? Why bring it up at all? So I did some research.
Find anything helpful? I asked, programming another pic.
No. Nothing. By all accounts, it’s a fairly benign proposition requesting increased Imperion funding for deep-space exploration—practically identical to a bill that passed without issue ten years ago.
Hmm, I murmured. Hardly something that would inspire hacking into a LunaCorp database and threatening a woman and her family.
Exactly, Tig agreed. It doesn’t make any sense. But it does make me wonder even more why the senator mentioned it. I need more information. Do you think you could talk to her about it?
I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. I will. As soon as I can. Thank you, Tig. Did you find anything more about who the hackers might be?
No. The signal keeps bouncing. It’s maddening.
After selecting the last digpic, I sighed at the wall. Take a break, love. Get some sleep before your trainee arrives.
She groaned over the comm. I really hope they don’t expect me to talk too much. You know how awkward I am with new people. Can you imagine how awkward I’m gonna be with a Kravaxian?
If it’s any consolation, I think we’re all going to be a bit awkward. But it’s only for a week. It’ll be over in a blink.
The longest blink in the history of the cosmos, she grumbled before clicking off the comm.
Plopping down onto the bed, I rubbed my tired eyes. With Freddie, the Kravaxians, and the anniversary looming, it was…a lot. And for a moment, sitting there, I let myself feel it—the disappointment, the pain, the sorrow. At first, it was tolerable, a manageable ache. But then, like it always did, the pain swelled, expanded, and soon, I had to bite my cheek against the crushing weight of it. Against the certainty of how easily it could hold me down and never release me if I let it.
So I didn’t let it. Because I was good at keeping it out. Keeping everything out. Keeping myself safe. I’d made a mistake letting Freddie sneak in. It wasn’t his fault. Maybe it wasn’t even my fault. Either way, it wouldn’t happen again.
With my mind made up, I got to my feet, inhaled sharply, and blew the air out through my lips. Only one thing would keep me going, keep my head above water, keep the pain at bay. The same thing that had kept me afloat for the last five years. Straightening my shirt, pinching my cheeks, and smoothing my bangs across my forehead, I got back to work.