47. Rahzlyn #4
Amusement temporarily eased the pain in his eyes.
“I was on the Isles when I found out he drank himself to death. The point is, my mother made me into the fractured, twisted man I am. I haven’t been able to trust anyone but myself.
My purpose for surviving her cruelty is what fueled me to always succeed.
I’m the weapon now, but I don’t like using the same force on others that was once inflicted upon myself.
” He clenched his jaw. “Except Kole. And Baron Ionis. Even Maryn. I could shred anyone apart who disrespects you with no remorse.”
“Raithe.” My fingers slid up his shoulders and into his hair, gripping the back of his neck. “You don’t—”
“What I’m trying to say is that I haven’t let anyone in because there’s nothing inside me to see, Rahzlyn.”
“Respectfully,” I whispered, “I disagree.”
“Sometimes I think you disagree with me for the sake of disagreeing.”
I curled my fingers into his hair. “Whatever you think, you didn’t deserve that. I’m so sorry for what happened to you.”
Now I understood why he relied on himself and kept others at a distance.
Why Hector had once meant so much to him when he hadn’t even meant to care for him in the first place.
His wariness of the apostai—and therefore, me—made profound sense.
I couldn’t fault him for not trusting me.
I only hoped that this moment was enough to change that.
“Is your mother the reason you seek Maryn’s wrath? Does she remind you…” I cringed, hating myself for asking the question that had plagued me since arriving. “Do you believe you deserve to be punished?”
“I don’t think I could ever make you understand.” With a deep inhale, Raithe shut his eyes tightly. “I don’t think I want you to.”
The shadows in his face told me there was more that haunted him. As much as I craved to know every bit and piece of him, I couldn’t push him. Not when he had given me so much of himself already.
I traced the outline of his moon glyphs across his forehead, then the slope of his cheekbone, and then his crooked nose. I wanted to show him that he deserved tenderness regardless of what he learned growing up.
“I need you to trust me, Raithe. If I survive and become a queen, I’m done being used and lied to. I don’t ever want to be made a fool again like that. Especially by you. Do you understand me?” My gentleness morphed into determination as I gripped his face. “Do you?”
His eyes flared with desire, as if he liked being handled like this by me. “I understand. But there is something else.” His tone shifted to something warier. “Knowing it will put your life at risk, and for that, I’m sorry.”
I tensed, once again bracing for the impact of whatever he was about to unveil to me. I dropped my hand and waited with eager patience.
“Your grandfather is still alive.”
Certain I’d heard wrong, I took a step back.
“He didn’t die in the explosion,” Raithe continued.
“Felaf and I took him to a hospitium in Sargas, a few hours outside Antares. He’s being cared for by healers who know how to manage his type of condition.
So long as Felaf doesn’t reveal our deceit to Gregorios or Maryn, only we know of his existence. ”
My head swam from the truth of his words.
The relief was overwhelming. I sank to my side, Raithe’s hands holding my arms to keep me upright.
“You mean he… he’s not dead? He’s alive?
” I croaked. He nodded solemnly. “I don’t understand.
That’s against the Treaty…” Panic crept up my throat.
“You could be executed. That’s something an apostate would do, Raithe.
By keeping him alive and saying he’s dead, preventing his sacrifice—”
“I know.”
“So why?”
“For selfish reasons,” he admitted. “You spoke about how he still has moments of clarity. I thought keeping him alive until his end would help give us the answers needed about your past. The truth you deserve. He’s the only one who might know something about your parents and why your Zodiac signs were kept a secret. ”
“I meant,” I said slowly, “why did you keep it a secret from me?”
His throat worked. “Because deep down I didn’t want you to be burdened by the treasonous truth of what I chose to do.
Gregorios still doesn’t know. I wanted only myself to be implicated and suffer the consequences once he does, but that was impossible to do with Felaf there.
She may resent me forever, and may likely turn me in because of it, but that was a chance I was willing to take.
To protect you from my own self-serving actions. ”
I couldn’t fault his reasoning. I realized then how similarly we viewed ourselves with regards to our selfish tendencies. “How?”
“His care is being personally funded,” he said. “By my own Tin.”
The joy of what he’d done overshadowed that of his omitted lies. Pahn wasn’t dead. A piece of my family still lived thanks to him. While there was no guarantee Pahn would ever be himself again, a kernel of hope rekindled in my chest.
It was all I could do but stare, and stare, and stare at the man before me. I’d always believed him handsome, striking even. Now a clearer light shone on him, and he was utterly breathtaking. Alluring, yet forewarning—as though I’d never be the same if he let me all the way in past his shields.
I didn’t want to be the same. I wanted to be more. I wanted more.
I wanted him.
“I know,” he said. “I shouldn’t have lied—”
His words were cut off by my arms that flung around his neck and my lips that crushed against his.